5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous by Gritty Reboots
#2.
Geriatric Spiders and Poison Semen (Spider-Man: Reign)
The Character:
Spider-Man is the witty, likable goofball that nerds everywhere can relate to. He's clumsy and has been dealt a few rough hands in his life, but he still fights the good fight with a smile on his perpetually young face.
The Plan:
"Let's fast forward to when Spider-Man is 60-years-old, so we can watch him fight crime as an old man after he's already retired from being a superhero. We'll set it in a bleak, ruined, twisted version of New York. It'll sort of be like Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, except it will also be exactly like that."
The Problem:
Here's what happens in a typical Spider-Man comic: Goofy-yet-lovable Peter Parker dresses in bright red tights, fights similarly ridiculous-looking villains and suffers from a genetic condition that forces him to make retarded quips and jokes every five seconds.
Now, here's what happens in Reign: Peter Parker wakes up, vomits, cries, hallucinates and gets fired from his job as a florist. No more humor, no more trademark witty mid-battle banter. Why? Because he's old and miserable. Why is he miserable? Because he killed Mary Jane with his radioactive semen.
Now, there's nothing wrong with dark and gritty superhero stories, we love The Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen. But when you take the humor and heart away from Spider-Man and stick him in a terrifyingly grim future that finds him heartbroken, you take away everything that attracted Spider-Man readers in the first place. And, sure, guilt has been a hallmark in the Spider-Man comics forever, but when you have a comic where Parker accidentally fucks Mary Jane to death, you've officially crossed the line. At some point, you're straight up torturing Peter Parker. No one wants to watch a bitter, depressed old Spider-Man humorlessly fight bad guys in a perpetual state of mourning. If Spider-Man fans wanted to read The Punisher, then they would read The Punisher.
Still not convinced that Reign is the worst and weirdest thing to happen to Spider-Man? A little girl gets needlessly and viciously murdered by the police and, at one point, Spider-Man is carried to a cemetery by the robotic arms of the now-deceased Dr. Octopus (while the corpse is still fucking attached).
How about now?
#1.
Robbie Baldwin goes from Zany Teen-Wonder to Psychotic Masochist (Civil War, Again)
The Character:
Speedball was a corny, forgettable young superhero who ran with the New Warriors and looked like an idiot. He was invented in the 80s (it was a weird time for all of us). Kids liked him.
The Plan:
"Does Speedball have any fans? Let's piss them way the hell off."
The Problem:
Speedball (Robbie Baldwin) was never the most captivating character--he was a science nerd who was in an extra-dimensional accident that gave him the semi-useful ability to run around real fast and bounce off of things--but he gained some fans with his youthful arrogance as he bounced from comic series to comic series. He was like a fluffier Spider-man, appealing to a young generation of comics readers. Then, the Civil War epic-Marvel-Comics-Holy-Shit-Event happened, and everything changed. While starring in a reality series about superheroes, the cocky Speedball rushed into battle against enemies he didn't quite understand, just so he could impress the fans at home. One thing led to another and, long story short, one of the villains blew up an entire school's worth of children. Speedball was the only one left alive and, as you'd expect, he felt a bit of guilt.
Instead of channeling his guilt into rigorous training, like Batman, or witty one-liners, like Spider-Man, Speedball decided to build a new suit and become Penance.
What's special about Baldwin's new suit is the fact that there are hundreds of tiny, sharp spikes built inside the costume, so they're constantly stabbing Baldwin whenever he moves, or breathes or exists or whatever. This works out OK, though. Apparently, a weird side of effect of "accidentally blowing up a shitload of kids" is that it shifts your superpowers; Penance can only use his powers when he's in horrible, horrible agony--so everybody wins, except Baldwin, who incidentally loses... constantly.
Yeah, look at that. That's the same guy from before. That's Speedball. He used to run around and shoot "energy bubbles" at bad guys. A wacky, cornball superhero who, let's face it, existed solely to sell comic books to little kids, was transformed overnight into a pointy, screaming lunatic who is constantly bleeding from hundreds of holes all over his body. Also, is this the best lesson to teach kids? When Spider-Man felt guilty, he decided to man up and knock off the selfishness with that whole "great power/great responsibility" thing. What's Penance's lesson? "Don't worry, kids. If you make a mistake, it's nothing that can't be easily remedied by a simple dose of ritualistic bleeding. Follow your dreams!"
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To see some characters that might actually benefit from a reboot like those above, check out The 8 Least-Threatening Comic Book Villains and The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time.
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I take it nobody remembers that the main DCU (ie not elseworlds) has killed 3 people in the past, not even killed, executed as they were restrained
ReplyAs much disdain as I have for the character of Tony Stark as a person, he wasn't the "bad guy" in the Civil War.
ReplyTony Stark has always been the Lando Calrissian of marvel (a smooth-talking, successful businessman who's logical way of acting can cause him to cross a moral line; mustache), but Tony Stark helped pass the SRA in order to prevent the government from using sentinels to hunt down superhumans and put them into concentration camps. So, Iron Man actually prevented a second holocaust (not very Hitler-like).
That's the best part of Marvel's Civil War story arc; it's security vs liberty, logic vs morals, good vs good, there were no "bad guys".
P.S. The Illuminati comics were great.
I'm not sure if you read Ironman comics or Civil War, but Ironman is a character you love to hate. He's not a bad guy, so you sympathise with him a bit, but he is meant to come off as a bit of a douche.
ReplyThe movie did try to show that, and the lack of that factor is what made Ironman such a shit-show.
In Civil War Ironman has real problems dealing with the consequences of his actions (killing Captain America right after destroying their friendship, losing the trust of the superhero community) and that is what makes it interesting. He has a really hard time dealing with these things, and almost turns back to the bottle. That makes him human, not just some one sided "lady killing badass."
Ironman being a nice guy and having everything going well for him is really boring, and without all of his character flaws he becomes quite one dimensional. Its his misgivings about what he's doing that makes you sympathise with him, and frankly I have a much harder time sympathizing with a person who's life is perfect and is perfect than a guy with real problems who can't deal with them.
My son and I were playing a video game where Penance's origin is covered. That was a really weird conversation...
ReplyI have to know
what game?
probably marvel ultimate alliance 2
Is it just me, or is it always the same people who say, "comics are WAY too one dimensional." that are the first to say, "How DARE:"
Reply"...Penance react to the accidental death of hundreds of innocents with anything other than what Spider-Man would do???"
"...Spider-Man become depressed when he gets to the point in his life that he has lost everything, and sacrificed everything he had for everyone... Where's the one liners???"
".. Tony Stark respond to a brewing crisis that could endanger all of the superheroes by enforcing a law passed through congress, and trying to get his friends, and young heroes to get the proper TRAINING that could have prevented the Stamford incident. And now all the registered heroes have medical (pretty useful if you always fight villains trying to kill you). And anytime a superhero fight destroys a house of one of the regular folks, now the home owners can be COMPENSATED. What a NAZI!!!"
And, it is always THESE people, that want to see Spider-Man stay static (happy go lucky), or Iron Man continue to make the same golden age inspired decisions, or Speedball get "over it" right away that praise something like "The Walking Dead" for the fact that it has people making the best decisions they can in the horrible situation they are in.. And they are right! That is what makes TWD so amazing. But, apply it to Superhero comics and it is ruining the genre?
Civil War existed to make you think about the situation, and decide who you agreed with. And while some of the writers of CW portrayed Iron Man as heartless, the vein that ran through it all was that he saw how bad things had gotten, and how much worse they could get. In trying to do the "right thing" in his opinion, he made horrible decisions. I thought making comic fans really think from the street level nobody in the Marvel Universe, and try to see how THEY would feel about it was a great move. But, I guess there were too many things designed to make you think in it and not enough fisticuffs and virtue.
Look, it is the highly cynical approach we talk about stories that scares off new readers and is killing the industry. It's ok to not like something, but don't make all of us sound like we are just here to nitpick everything to death and run down every story arc that doesn't jibe with what we THINK should happen. When did more than half (Citation needed) of comic fans out there become the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons?
I agree except for one point: Spider-man needs to keep his humor. That's his thing, that's what made him my favorite hero as a kid. No matter how much he got shat on he would man up, do what needed to be done and try his damndest to inject some levity into the situation.
There was a crossover that had Spider-man and Batman working together against Carnage and the Joker (I only realize how awesome that is now that I've typed it). At one point, Carnage tells Joker about how much he admires him, because he gets the joke: life is meaningless in the long run.
The thing is, I always felt that Spider-Man always got that joke and took it in the other direction. Whereas Carnage (and other villains) took the "what I do to other people doesn't matter, because it's all meaningless" route, Spider-Man looked at it and said "what happens to me doesn't matter, as long as it's in the course of promoting what I believe to be a worthy meaning".
That's why I always held Spider-Man as my favorite super hero. It's just too damn easy to say "fuck it" and lay waste to everyone you feel is deserving or wrong. It's takes way more discipline and strength (as well as insight) to approach those who you fight with a sense of compassion. Compassion = to suffer with; Spidey's had to deal with the temptation to kill on numerous occasions.
It was always fairly obvious that Spider-man's cornball humor was his way of lightening his own load...to approach things with the same "doesn't matter" mindset that Carnage later came to embody on the other side of the spectrum.
About your first paragraph, I'd say yes, it is just you.
Except for the Superman one, a lot of these "reboots" aren't that bad.
Reply#1, #2 and #3 were actually great.
ReplyPenance actually looks pretty cool..
ReplyReminds me why I quit reading them in the late 90s
Replyamazing how not a one of these things were reboots.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWhat's This?!? An internet comedy writer using vaguely-defined entertainment industry jargon in a way that's not quite technically correct?!? This looks like a job for Pointless Semantics Man and his trusty sidekick, Hairsplitter!
Man, that sounds like just about the worst gritty reboot idea for Pedantic Commenter I've ever heard!
no hes right (kinda) a couple of these were actually what ifs or elseworlds so not reboots
At Earth's End was an Elseworld, NOT a reboot. And the whole pojnt of DC's Elseworlds was to take classic characters and put them into completely weird and different scenarios. DC Tagline: "In Elseworlds, heroes are taken from their usual settings and put into strange times and places — some that have existed, and others that can't, couldn't or shouldn't exist". Point missed.
ReplyAnd thy wonder why Comic Book Nerds get bent out of shape.
We know. We don't care. Shut up.
really? cos if u liked comics enough to know then you would care thus your comment just comes across as flippant
Say what you will, I thought Penance was a good character.
ReplyWell i always take reboots as what they are, reboots. If they're any good, great! if they're not, great i'll go back the comic i really like.
ReplyIt saddens me that all the defenders of the Civil War comics are trolls &/or stupid. Civil War was a good story, but the individual character's stories (Wolverine, Black Panther, X-Men, those kinds of things) were far better than the whole 7 issue book.
ReplyI actually did think the radioactive semen thing worked for Spider-man: Reign; it was the perfect poignant reveal that Peter didn't just get the women he loved killed, he killed her himself - with his love.
ReplyThat said, if they try and bring that into the non-Elseworlds comics, s**t will get real.
It seems more like he killed her with his sperm and/or dick
erm...they kinda did wasnt that the reason MJ got sick when she was pregnant...been a while since i read the clone saga so i could be wrong
I'd probably vote for Iron Man.
ReplyActually, The Dimensional Limbo of the N-Zone is supposed to be a corollary of the Legal Limbo of Guantanamo Bay - y'know, a place where Americans locked up people with 'No trial, no bail, no chance of ever leaving.'
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies...Still think he's a 'Hitler'?
... YES!
Yes. Bush was just another Hitler-wannabe using fear to control people. Doesn't make Tony Stark any less Hitler-y.
"Corollary?" I think you mean "allegory." And yeah, Gitmo, Belsen, same basic idea.
The Civil War storyline fucked up the Marvel Universe, as did the Ultimate versions of Spiderman and X-men. Spiderman Reign fucked up the Spiderman series, and by extension, the Marvel Universe even more. Marvel should start over like DC did with The New 52. Spawn should be rebooted, without the s****y Wican angle that ruined the awesomeness of the Spawn series.
ReplyI disagree that DC rebooted its entire universe with "The New 52." At best it was a partial reboot, with some series (Superman) completely rebooting, some having their continuity changed (Batgirl) and others (Green Lantern) not rebooting at all. I would rather that DC had completely wiped out everything and start everything over from scratch, it would have been far less confusing.
@SaluFan I would rather DC just make good comics, instead of rebooting every 5-7 years because they can't stop f*****g up.
Penance was well-written though. And he has 612(note sure if the number is right) spikes in the suit cause that is how many people died in the Stamford incident. Spider-man Reign was a damn good story also...
ReplyPenance was awesome though :/
Reply