7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
#3.
The Farmer's Almanac Weather Formula
What is it?
The Farmer's Almanac has interesting facts, stories, light humor, charming woodcuts and much, much more. Hell, we don't need to tell you. You probably own several copies already.
This is great and all, but other almanacs have that stuff, also. How can Farmer's keep its edge over classics like Poor Richard's? By being the best at what farmers care about: predicting the weather.
Just look at that farmer. He is fucking all about the weather.
This super-special formula was devised in 1792, by the Almanac's founder Robert B. Thomas. A "top secret mathematical and astronomical formula, which relies on sunspot activity, tidal action, planetary position and many other factors," to do what science believes impossible: predict long term patterns in weather. This in turn helps farmers, you know, farm.
Who Knows:
Farmer's Almanac editor Sandi Duncan and an anonymous meteorologist.
They call him The Mysteriologist!
How it is Kept Secret:
The formula is kept locked in a black box somewhere in the Almanac's headquarters in New Hampshire. In this video, Duncan shows how the box can withstand almost any attempt to open it.
As crazy as it seems, they keep it secret for good reason. The average seven to 14 day weather report, using up to the minute information and state of the art Doppler radar systems, is often no more accurate than what you, the Cracked reader, could predict.
This 200-year-old formula has an 80 percent accuracy rate even though predictions are made 2 YEARS IN ADVANCE. How do we know that? The Almanac told us. How do we know they're right? We just told you. They're accurate 80 percent of the time.
#2.
The Subject of "You're So Vain"
What is it:
As we pointed out previously, Carly Simon's "You're so Vain" is one hell of a revenge song.
The list of people it is rumored to be about is at least a dozen men long, including such luminaries as James Taylor, Mick Jagger, Kris Kristofferson and Warren Beatty. Whoever the guy is, he did Carly Simon bad, and worse for him it's now considered the 72nd best song of all time.
To put that in perspective, "Billie Jean" is #71.
All we know for sure is 1) Simon is never going to tell us who it's about and 2) we're real assholes if we think it's about us. Which it totally is. Bitch.
Who Knows:
Carly Simon and Dick Ebersol.
How it is Kept Secret:
Despite being asked in virtually every interview she has ever given, Simon has never admitted who the song is about. In 2003, an auction was held on Martha's Vineyard where one of the lots was the chance to know just who "You're so Vain" was referring to. Dick Ebersol, president of NBC won with a bid of $50,000. To be fair, he's loaded, it was for a good cause and he was also given a private performance by Simon.
The stipulation to Ebersol's winning bid was that he had to sign an agreement promising that he would never reveal the identity of the person to anyone, ensuring that no one who doesn't have $50,000 to spend on the answer to a trivia question will even know the truth.
He was, however, allowed to give the least useful clue of all time: The person's name had the letter E in it. Thanks, Dick.
#1.
How Do Sea Monkeys Work?
What is it?
If you ever saw the back pages of a comic book growing up, you know what Sea Monkeys are. For generations kids around the world have experienced the profound disappointment of ordering Sea Monkeys, dumping the dried powder into water and watching the tiny things squiggle around, doing nothing interesting.
They still sell what you, as a jaded adult, now know are nothing more than freeze dried brine shrimp.
Harlod von Braunhut developed the process in 1957. The solution the eggs are soaked allows the small, sperm-like animals to survive the shipping process, come to life within minutes and stay alive long enough to not entertain a child.
It may seem a bit ridiculous, but compared to some of his other inventions this was Nobel Prize winning science. Braunhut held 193 patents for such gems as X-Ray Spex (that didn't see through anything) and invisible goldfish (guaranteed to remain invisible, which is good, because we'd be pissed off if we found out we'd paid money for a temporarily invisible animal instead of, you know, NOTHING).
Oh fuck, please turn invisible again.
Braunhut continued to tinker with the formula for his entire life, trying to get sea monkeys that would grow larger and live longer. Even at the age of 75, Harold was still involved in the day to day running of his company.
Who Knows:
Until his death in 2003, only Harlod von Braunhut and his wife, Yolanda.
How They Keep it Secret:
No matter how many times he changed the formula to Sea Monkeys, or how huge the operation grew (to the tune of tens of millions of dollars a year) Braunhut never told anyone but his second wife about it.
Not even his most trusted associates at his company were told, no matter how many times they asked. Harold was very, very good at keeping secrets.
This might have something to do with the fact that he might have been a Nazi.
We don't mean that in a metaphorical sense. There is strong evidence that money from many of his inventions was funneled directly to the Aryan Nation. Braunhut, who was ethnically Jewish, wrote for their newsletter, was keynote speaker at their rallies and even lit a burning cross.
We're not saying the Sea Monkeys were a result of a failed experiment to breed aquatic Nazi super soldiers. But we're not saying they weren't, either.
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For more stuff people would like the answers to, check out 6 Insane Discoveries That Science Can't Explain. Or learn how to keep your lips sealed, in MI-6 to CIA: 5 Top Secret Agencies (Who Want to Hire You).
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I've always believe that You're So Vain was the biggest trick question on the planet: I bet you anything it's not about anyone in particular. Therefore the name of the person with an E in it that the song is about is "no particular pErson", "no onE specifically" or maybe even "Every guy that pissed me off ever" lol
ReplyIf only two people know who the the song is about, and he "probably thinks the song is about him, " and Cracked is a reliable source about who the two people who know are, then whoever he is is now deceased, or.... Oh my gawd! it's Ebersol himself!
ReplyI have to say, spending $50,000 to keep Simon from telling anyone else who the song is about, AND forcing her to give him a private performance, is pretty much in keeping in character with whoever the song is about.
And that takes care of my circular reasoning quota for the day.
He lit a burning cross? It was burning before it was lit? What did he do after that, toast some toast?
ReplyNo, he brewed some brew.
If only two people know the recipes for Coke and KFC, how do they make them? Are there 11 people on an assembly line, and each one has a different spice, and they are sworn to secrecy on pain of death not to reveal to each other what spice they have?
ReplyThere is no secret behind Sea Monkeys. They naturally live in pools by the sea that dry up through the year. It's part of their natural reproductive process that their eggs dry up, and are activated through being soaked in water. The dry eggs can survive for an impressively long time. What did you think the "secret" was, gamma rays?
ReplyLike killifish, then
William Poundstone had a lab test Original Recipe KFC back in the 1980's for his book Big Secrets. There was only one spice (black pepper) and no herbs found in the sample. The other flavorings were salt and MSG. The alleged syrup formula for Coke - which was apparently revealed in a court case in the early twentieth century - is in the same book.
ReplyThat was before the whole New Coke/Coke Classic fiasco, and I think may have been before the complete switch to high fructose corn syrup. So the recipe in Poundstone's book may not be the one that is currently used. Still, anyone can do what he did, and use a mass spectrometer to figure out what chemicals are in it, then figure out by not to difficult process of elimination what actual FDA-approved ingredients would combine to make those chemicals.
For what it's worth, there is no one Coke formula, anyway. Coke produced overseas has sugar, and so does Coke in Mexico, which you can buy lots of places in the US now, and US Coke manufacturers make corn syrup-free Coke (with cane sugar) in March, in order to have kosher for Passover Coke.
Not to mention, that Diet Coke and Coke Zero are different depending on whether you buy them canned and bottled, or as fountain drinks. The fountain drinks don's have aspertame, and therefore have way more saccharine. I think they were both reformulated to include sucralose recently, as well.
In other words, there is no immutable formula for Coke, and the idea that there is, let alone a secret one, is hype. All food companies have patented recipes, and Coke is no different, so keeping it a carefully guarded secret is not necessary to prevent competition, and useless in preventing close-but-still-legal duplication.
We should fire everyone who is in charge of our nations top secret 'whatevers' and replace them with these people-especially those running the Coke/KFC operations.
ReplyI'm not joking.
If the formula for Original Recipe and Extra Crispy were as important as how to make a nuclear warhead, and where the uranium and plutonium are stored, I think someone could break those guys. No one will kidnap their wives, or cut off their little fingers to know the 11 herbs and spices.
Pff brine shrimp reproduce naturally if they have enough space and the stress conditions for the eggs, what secret?
ReplyThe secret of the solution used to make the eggs viable for dry shipping, only that company has managed it. Any brine shrimp eggs shipped that hatch are purchased through them.
Carly Simon, Dick Ebersol, and Howard Stern!
ReplyThis reminds me of that show where that guy tries to recreate secret famous recipes.
ReplyI've got an E in my name. I've got a few in fact. Is it about me? I'm not very vain though. And I don't walk into parties like I'm walking onto a yacht.
ReplyI'm so vain I thought that song was about ME,
Oliver Cromwell was a religious tyrant. He banned Christmas for fuck's sake! His reign was more tyrannical then the Monarchy he replaced. Ask the Irish what they think about Cromwell. The Irish probably have nicer things to say about Hitler than they do about Cromwell. He was pretty much the closest England came to a despot.
Replyyeh he was a despicable weasel
The kfc around here is horrible. The dryest blandest s**t ive ever tasted and there are NO condom things to put on the chicken.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies... Condom?
Maybe he means Condiments?
Whew, thank you. I thought, if your fried chicken is drying out, wouldn't a Ziploc bag be more sensible?
Also one of the secrets to KFCs spices are not to eat it, I mean throw in $10 and you'll be full for a couple of hours but after that your bowels take control of your day after that unless you are an obese American n***o which I am none of the following.
ReplyIf you really wanted to find out about baseball mud, you now have the guys son in laws name.
ReplyFind where this guy lives, give up your job and follow him where ever he goes once he has left his house for 365 days and you'll find exactly where this mud is from.
I hope you like getting welfare, food stamps and getting what you own reposed due to now being a full time stalker.
I am one of the two people in the world that have seen my penis.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMy mother being the second, of course.
I wish I could be like you when I grow up.
You have kept it hidden very well, then, if not even a doctor has ever seen it. Congratulations! :)
I like how coke, the monkeys, mud, and KFC can be broken down with chemistry if you had enough determination and a lab.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's no secret what the main ingredient in the mud is---the dirt in that part of the New Jersey pine barrens is almost pure quartz. It's just a helluva lot cheaper to dig the stuff up than it is to try and synthesize it, which is how the guys who run that company are able to keep costs down.
Not really. You can determine some of the molecules present in a gas chromatograph, but you can't necessarily work out ingredients for that. For one thing, most foods have hundreds of trace chemicals in them.
Well, you can if you also have a list of the ingredients on the label, and what the FDA has approved for consumption that contains those chemicals. There are only so many things that the Coca-Cola company is allowed to call "natural flavors." You would disregard trace chemicals, most likely. Also, if your Coke from a can has aluminum in it, it probably isn't one of the secret ingredients. You could cross-check with the Coke from plastic bottles.
I bet that when Simon's 90 years old and on her death bed, she'll finally reveal who "You're So Vain"'s subject is, and it'll just be some guy from before she was famous.
ReplyYou're probably right. It'll be some shmuck no one has ever heard of. Someone who, if he had tried to claim to be the guy during her lifetime, people would have laughed at him.
There really shouldn't be any secret to sea monkeys. They are after all just brine shrimp, the very same as is sold as fish food in aquarium stores. They live in ephemeral (temporary) desert pools that only exist when it rains, and their life cycle involves living just long enough to breed before the pools dry up; their eggs are naturally capable of surviving prolonged dessication. So really a replication of such conditions is all you need, the rest (living longer, getting bigger) would, I imagine, just be selective breeding.
ReplyThe secret is a mix of which of more than 70+ species they are, the exact formula of the food -and- the exact elements and ration of said elements in the powder they go in with. Brine shrimp are surprisingly picky in some cases, and some grow much bigger than others. Getting the ideal conditions for desert ephemera to thrive is surprisingly hard.
"no one eats at KFC because they have the best chicken in the world. People eat it because it's a pain in the ass to make at home and the line was too long at Popeye's."
ReplyDaaaammmmmnnnnnnnn......