#3. Jump Out of a Window
In 2007, a German teenager threw himself out of a fourth story window--contrary to what German windows have been designed for, which is appreciating the stark and efficient view of your surroundings. When good German citizens rushed to the scene, they noticed the 17-year-old was still sleeping. Not knocked unconscious, but peacefully asleep despite his broken arm and broken leg.
Experts believe most such incidents in that country involve people reeling back in terror from viewing German porn, but that was clearly not the case here as no one can sleep after watching German porn. No, the boy had been sleepwalking and just climbed out of the damned window, possibly while dreaming of escaping German porn.
It's really fucked up.
Comedian Mike Birbiglia had a similar experience where, dreaming that a guided missile was heading for him, threw himself out of a closed window in his hotel room. Not the kind of guy who gives up easily, he actually got up from the glass-covered parking lot and started running. While asleep.
At some point, Birbiglia realized what was happening and jogged to a hospital where he had to get 30 stitches to repair the damage from the window dive. Having a good sense of humor about his condition, Birbiglia started a one-man show called "Sleepwalk With Me."
He now has to take a powerful sedative and sleeps in a sleeping bag with mittens on his hands, which will probably be fine until he dreams he's being eaten by a huge slug.
#2. Record an Album
Dion McGregor wanted to be a songwriter, but his biggest contribution to music was writing a song that was once recorded by Barbra Streisand, which is like wanting to be a doctor but only having the ability to treat rectal warts. Or cause them.
Dion McGregor: The Dream Master.
Anyway, he also had the habit of talking in his sleep, and not in that way you sleepily mumble some incoherent thing when you "accidentally" touch a girl's boob at a party at 4am after everyone passed out. This guy would clearly and succinctly narrate his dreams in a conversational tone.
His roommate, being a complete dick, decided to record the darkest parts of McGregor's psyche for shits and giggles. Together they released the album because it was the 60s and people just did stuff like that.
The risque stuff was recently released by Torpor Vigil Records, and you can catch some of McGregor's more eloquent somniloquy prose on his MySpace page. But be forewarned, this audio is not for those at work or the easily influenced. McGregor detailed the finer points of shoving fruit up one's ass (or other orifices depending on your gender) and swinging from boobs like Tarzan.
All judgment aside, who amongst us hasn't had dreams about jamming a mango up someone's ass?
#1. Commit Many Horrible Crimes
We have previously chronicled the story of Kenneth Parks, a man who committed a brutal murder, then claimed he was asleep when he did it. This defense, already seeming pretty retarded on the surface, gets stupider when you realize the murder required him to walk to his car, start it and drive 14 miles to the victim's house. All while asleep.
You could say this man was driven. (Wait, no, don't fire me!)
But Parks is far from the only one to use both the "I did it all in my sleep!" defense, and prove it to be true. In fact, it's a tradition that goes back more than 150 years.
Think that shit would fly now?
There was a case back in the 1870s where a man at a hotel drew a gun, screamed "HOO-WEE!!!" over and over again, then shot a hotel employee dead. He was convicted, but got it overturned when he convinced a jury he had been asleep the whole time.
But the strangest case is also one of the first. In 1846, Albert Tirrell nearly beheaded a prostitute in Boston, set fire to the freaking brothel, then fled to New Orleans... all while asleep.
That's what he claimed, anyway. Again, at what point did he wake up? During the murder? The fire? The trip to the Big Easy? The argument that it had all been one, big, sleepy misunderstanding was strong enough that the court acquitted him.
Yeah, we're thinking courts were way more trusting back then.
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And check out some awesome things you can make your brain do while asleep, in 5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness. Or, for our criminal readership, check out some other defenses you might need in court, in The 7 Most Baffling Criminal Defenses (That Sort of Worked).
And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what Swaim does in his sleep.