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Here at Cracked we hold our heroes to a higher standard than most. Especially our fictional heroes because, well, they have the freaking advantage of being fictional. Yet, so, so many of them still manage to screw it up. For instance, look at some of the most brilliant scientists in movie history and you find a bunch of guys who should never have been allowed near a Bunsen burner. Like: #6.
Tony Stark from Iron Man
Why He's A Genius: Tony Stark built a killer battle suit, which was badass and all. But then Jeff Bridges found the prototype and built a bigger, far more awesome suit. As a general rule, when you get out-scienced by the guy who played The Dude in The Big Lebowski, you'd better have something else up your sleeve.
Stark's ticket to movie science credibility was actually located in his chest: A tiny, stable, almost limitless energy source. So powerful it can do the job of massive generators and jet engines simultaneously, and can go years without refueling. So simple it could be slapped together out of spare parts by two guys in a cave. It's the miniature arc reactor, a device that by all rights should've revolutionized the world. Give the man a Nobel Prize!
Why He Should Not Have Been Allowed To Do Science: The more you look at Tony Stark, the more you realize he developed the mini arc reactor only to play God, or at least a shitfaced version of Shaquille O'Neal's Steel.
Case in point: After first discovering this world changing energy source, he makes exactly one more arc reactor, and uses it to power his pizza-colored murder suit. He doesn't make any demonstration models for his company. Hell, he doesn't even draw up any blueprints. In fact, he's so damn Howard Hughes about the whole operation, that he instructs Pepper Potts to destroy the original model, rather than turn it over to his company's engineers to mass produce and solve all of the world's resource problems forever. Wait a second. Who throws away the only backup power source for the machine that's keeping him from having a heart attack?
Comic books have a name for brilliant scientists with nearly debilitating Messiah complexes. They're called supervillains. #5.
Dr. Henry Wu from Jurassic Park
In Jurassic Park, the dinosaurs weren't resurrected by the rich old guy (he was just the CEO), Samuel L. Jackson or even the mailman from Seinfeld. No, Dr. Wu, the guy responsible for all those scene-stealing sauropods, only got a measly 10 minutes of screen time. Ouch. Why He's A Genius: Dr. Wu fulfilled every child's dream of seeing a real live Triceratops. He also fulfilled every Internet denizen's dream of watching two lesbian T-Rexes bumping uglies in an orgiastic fury.
Why He Should Not Have Been Allowed To Do Science: Wait, lesbian T-Rexes? Yeah, remember, Dr. Wu bred all the dinosaurs as females to prevent any prehistoric hanky-panky. He also spliced the dinosaur DNA with frog DNA. Sounds fine, except that after discovering hatched dinosaur eggs in the wild, it took Allen Grant five seconds to figure out that certain species of frog can spontaneously change sex in the absence of a mate. And Dr. Grant was just a paleontologist--his job was to dig up dino bones. The man was a frog gene novice. How in the hell did this eensy-weensy detail elude Dr. Wu, who spent his career reverse engineering all those 65-million-year-old killing machines?
But the frog DNA flub is just the slack-jawed tip Dr. Wu's mentally retarded iceberg. No, his most unforgivable fuck-up was to breed Velociraptors.
Raising intelligent, sickle-toed murder-lizards for a children's theme park would give even the most bastardly supervillain pause. Remember, no one had ever heard of Velociraptors before the release of Jurassic Park, so unlike the carnivorous T-Rex, there was no money in breeding them. So why the hell did Dr. Wu need Velociraptors? The only logical explanation is that he needed extra contestants for a little pastime we at the Cracked offices like to call "Lasersaurus Battle Derby."
#4.
Dr. Otto Octavius from Spiderman 2
Note that we're not criticizing Dr. Octavius for becoming the supervillain Doc Ock later. That was his own choice and we respect that. No, we're talking about before, when he was a scientist yet somehow quite a bit more dangerous to the world than when he took up supervillaining. Why He's A Genius: Dr. Octavius devised a renewable fusion energy source from the radioactive isotope Tritium. Despite the immense power generated by this reaction, the only safety gear required was a set of off-gray pajamas...
...and four metal tentacles partially controlled by the Doc's brain, and partially having minds of their own. Why He Should Not Have Been Allowed To Do Science: Quick question: What do the New Mexican desert and the Soviet steppe have in common? If you answered, "They're reasonably safe places to test nuclear devices," then bingo. If you inexplicably added "but a quaint prewar loft in the middle of Manhattan would also do nicely," then you're either Doctor Octopus or the world's evilest interior designer.
Let's put it this way: As of the last U.S. census, New York City had perhaps 26,000 people per square mile. A nuke's effective radius is about six miles. By our rough comedy article math, approximately 2.9 million people would be instantly obliterated if the good doctor paused to scratch his ass. Mind you, this figure doesn't even account for those millions in the outlying area sickened by radiation or horrifically mutated by fallout. On the plus side, New Jerseyans would barely notice, as they're used to living in a miasma of toxic crap.
What's even stranger is that of all of the guests and press present for his experiment, no one suggested moving it to Los Alamos instead of conducting an unstable, free-floating nuclear reaction in what was basically a Pottery Barn showroom. Even Peter Parker--the guy whose alter-ego is supposed to protect the city--didn't say a damn thing. He could've ended the movie right there and saved us an hour of staring at Alfred Molina's man-boobs. But the most damning thing is that when his "evil" robotic arms take over (turning him into Doc Ock) and subsequently recreate the Tritium reaction at the film's climax, even they had enough sense to move the freaking experiment to an abandoned wharf away from from a heavily populated area.
When your criminally insane prosthetics displayed a greater concern for human life than you, you are a shitty scientist. |
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Dinosaurs with lasers = Dino Riders (possibly DinoRyders). One of my fondest memories as a child was receiving the brontosaurus battle station for Christmas.
someone please tell me where the pic of the dinosaurs with friggin weapons of mass destruction is from? it struck a memory immediately, but i cant place it.... and the article kicked ass by the way.
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Theres plenty more where that cmae from bucko! he forgot gordon freedmen. he sucked at being a smart guy so much he picked up a crowbar and started knocikng people around to see if his theroy of asskicking is correct that if you hit someone with a crowbar. It will kill them.
Whats that got to do with being a crap scientist?
I can't believe you guys left out the part of the "Re-Animator" where the talking head gave that naked girl some amazing cunnilingus.
Gayinator, the Shadow Over Innsmouth has had a number of adaptations although I do not believe any of them went by that name. Cthulhu and Dagon were both adaptations (albiet from what I have gathered poor ones, so I have not bothered to see them) of the Shadow Over Innsmouth.
The real reason Doc Ock is a bad scientist isn't that the reactor is radioactive--it's fusion, so it produces is helium-but that the reactor itself was so unstable. This is why his press conference fails in the movie. It's his character flaw to be all about the science and to underestimate the risks to others. But that's not the worst of it. He also is too stupid to realize that tritium is not a metal, and it not in any way rare. It's just heavy water. That's why fusion reactors are so highly desired--we have an almost limited supply of fuel.
You suck you suckbag Ghostbusters rocked lick my balls.
"Dr. Wu totally looks like Ando from Heroes." -cornflakes This comment disappoints me to no enPr
theGayinator..... you're spot on about H.P.
Great article, and I'd like to say one unrelated thing. Re-Animator was a HORRIBLE adaptation of Lovecraft's excellent old short story. Yes, Re-Animator comes from the guy that created Cthulu. And yes, the movie got most of the important points, but there were two problems. One, it's f**king hard to adapt a short story to a movie. Novels are generally too long, but most of Lovecraft's short stories are too short. Also, it did not carry the mood. Lovecraft's work was BASED around the psychological aspect and the mood. Hell, half the time he doesn't even fully describe the horrors; he leaves it to the imagination of the reader to conjure details that would be more individually horrifying to that person. That does not translate well to movies. The Shadow Over Innsmouth has never had a movie adaptation (to my knowledge) for good reason.
Okay, so the Jurassic Park guys didn't know what dinos they were going to get right off the bat, in the first round. Fair enough, that's cool. However, in the movie (and we *are* calling out the Hollywooded-up Dr. Wu, anyhow) they clearly knew by then which embryos gave them which dinos (we know this because the embryo vials that Dennis nicks are nicely labeled), and they CONTINUED breeding the raptors. That's what elevates the movie Dr. Wu to the Wall of Shame, he KNEW he was breeding more of the vicious, unpredictable, problem-solving, highly-intelligent killing machines. Samuel L.'s blood is on your hands, Wu.
well in Jurassic park Dr. Wu generally just put an embryo in an egg and watched what happened. he had no idea what lizard monster thing would pop out
If you've never seen ghostbusters take the guys advice and buy it NOW! I mean it, now, what the hell are you still doing reading this why aren't you out buying it. You son of a b***h you have more important things to do? Like what, NOT seeing ghostbusters? You know they have a special place in hell for you you bastard, its called being forced to look at your mothers ass and realizing that your life is meaningless if you haven't seen ghostbusters. Hey shut up you son of a b***h I am not a f*g, I bet you are gay to, you're not, you have a girlfriend? Yeah I bet her name is Steve and she is the man of the relationship.
re: Iron Man To be fair, his own company was trying to kill him at the time.
"Mind you, this figure doesn't even account for those millions in the outlying area sickened by radiation or horrifically mutated by fallout" WRONG unlike fission, fusion reactions do not produce radiation, all you get when you fuse an atom of deuterium to an atom of tritium, is an atom of helium, and a s**tload of energy
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
I've never seen Ghostbusters. :(
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