The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China 5 Slapstick Failures by Modern Military Commanders 5 Things I Learned as an Anonymous TSA Blogger

Cracked Round-Up: Rainy Day Edition

It's been raining at the Cracked Offices for the past five days. As best we can figure, Brockway took an enormous dose of acid-laced veterinary tranquilizers and ended up crafting some sort of crude weather control device out of the remains of the Cracked server farm. Aside from a 20% increase in SED-related suicides, we're weathering the storm pretty well.


Brockway started this week off with a column that was part product review, part worst date ever. Bucholz followed up with the harrowing tale of how his house was mobbed by sex-crazed furry fetishists. Next, Seanbaby discussed crazy self-defense methods, while DOB discussed our nation's ammo crisis.

BRAINMEAT
5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness
Meta-programming is the shit!


Notable Comment: "would anybody recomend trying the ping pong ball trick? "

Yes, ericpot, we would. Try it right now, send us the video.

TERROR
13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares
Animals like these are the reason mankind invented pollution and orbital napalm barrages.


Notable Comment: "I thought it was a great article. The mole rats are unique because they are the only eusocial mammalian species known to exist. The human equivalent is the Borg from star trek. "

Captainwino has convinced us; the mole rat menace must be obliterated with haste. Get Patrick Stewart on the phone.



TRAGILARIOUS
5 Great Things You Didn't Know Came from Horrific Tragedies
Always look on the bright side of life!


Notable Comment: If you want to read several pages of poorly researched and spelled arguments about whose fault the Crusades were, read the comments for this article!



SEXY
6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
Is better sex really worth putting poison on your dick or cutting it up and shoving piercings through it? Yes. But only by a little.


Notable Comment:"Sadly, at this moment in time I am indeed drunk enough to Google Image search Phalloplasty. Hurrah for tonight's nightmares. "

Thanks DangerChocomog, our writers get paid by the nightmare.

VAMPYRE
7 Vampires Around the World Worse Than The Ones In Twilight
Back before we had TV and movies, our only method of entertainment was sitting around the camp fire and lying about monsters. That's where vampire myths, tales of sea monsters, and religion all come from.


Notable Comment:col_p says; "Wow you guys really upped the misogyny on this one. Some girls read this site too you know!"

Don't be silly, panyd, you know women can't read.



SWAIM!
The 7 Creepiest Simpsons Fan Tributes
Marge, you're breaking my heart!


YOU YOU YOU!
If Product Placement Was Everywhere
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If History's Greatest Minds Were Around Today Instead.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

9.24.09:

"Gay" "Penis" "Retard" There, all of the standards of the Craption Contest are included in my post, no way I don't win this thing today!
by Rory

Editor's pick:

"Is this the conference room for 'God's Mistakes'?"
by ChaseMitchell

9.23.09:

I sense a pyramid scheme...
by librarianmike

Editor's pick:

Some guy with a U-Haul said he'd help carry these but Egypt us.
by ChaseMitchell

9.22.09:

Sarah Jessica Parker on "Dancing with the Stars"
by spectre_vampire

Editor's pick:

Neigh means neigh.
by rorrimimage

9.21.09:

"You told the waiters it was my f**king birthday, didn't you?"
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

This one time, at band camp ...
by 9.20.09:

Ok so i put the apple on my head,and stand there?
by jeevesz

Editor's pick:

"All right guys, all right... I think we can be reasonably sure that she wasn't a witch..."
by Leaf

9.19.09:

Oh, this is the Kanye West award, isnt it?
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

Not all Indiana Jones adventures were well documented
by Miragon/A>

8.18.09:

And the prize for Best Costume definitely goes to the Invisible Girl in the middle.
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

"Do we Fight crime? 'Fight' is kind of a strong word. We do generally disapprove of crime, though."
by ChaseMitchell

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