5 Ridiculous Ancient Beliefs (That Thrive on the Internet)

#2. Dowsing

Why are you scraping by paycheck to paycheck when precious metals and oil are right under your feet, waiting to be found? If you thought finding that stuff required all sorts of, you know, experts and equipment and such, you've not heard of dowsing!

Dowsing, or witching, is the centuries-old process of finding water, oil, gems and precious metals using a bent stick or a pendulum. And magic!

Today, dowsers even have their own professional associations, both Americanand British versions. There's a mailing list for you to join, at a small cost. Trust us, that's the last time the costs will be "small" here.

Sure, there are online guides to dowsing available for free and e-books for the low low price of $20 - $70. But if you're serious, you can take courses with an experienced dowser for $99.

Not bad, considering that "find water via magic" professionals can charge $200 an hour.


Worth every penny.

Of course, just as with ghost hunting, the right tools are everything. Online catalogs sell state of the art water witching tools that boast, "...energy mineral ore is used to stimulate the crystals in the power tube... with a newly developed power load formula in a second power tube."

The top of the line is the Power Master Rod III which can be had for the bargain price of... wait for it...

$2,495.

Be careful before you call bullshit on this, these guys can probably use that thing to "witch" out where you live.

#1. Witchcraft

Witchcraft isn't quite as cool as Voodoo, but the whole dancing naked with the devil thing almost makes up for the lack of zombies. Many witches will complain that we are taking them out of context and that magic is not evil, only the intent of the caster is evil. Fine. We believed Charlton Heston when he said something similar, we'll believe you too.

We went searching the Internet for an information-age solution to our spellcasting needs and, sure enough, found plenty of grimoires (spell books) available online:


Guess which caught our eye.

Shop for grimoires on Amazon and you find dozens of them in print (though the classics can be found freely available as PDFs, such as the Grimoire Verum, Heptameron and The Black Pullet). But we want to be up on only the most modern witchcraft techniques, such as those offered by Summoning Spirits: The Art of Magical Evocation.

We had almost clicked to order this one when this undoctored two-star review warned us off:

"I'm a student of an esoterical order, and I have quite some knoledge about Magick and Summoning technics. Although this is an interesting book, with a really nice definition of the Art, it takes this Art too lightly in my point of view... I wondered if the author is aware of the real nature and wiseness of this kind of Spirits, and how they can create ilusions in one's mind."

Hmm... that's a good point. We decided to try the less advanced Gothic Grimoire by the same author, but then we saw this one-star review:

Eight of 52 people found that review helpful, which is odd because when we read it out loud our hair burst into flames.

Perhaps this is a subject best left to the experts. And by that we mean an online spell-casting service. Yes, they do curses too. All for the low price of $27, or $54 if you want it triple cast. Or $189 if you want it cast by the coven. If you don't want to wait the usual two or three weeks, add an extra $54 for an urgent cast. All major credit cards accepted, a one year unconditional guarantee on all spells given--provided you maintain a positive frame of mind!

And it's all done via email! No awkward face-to-face interaction required!

What do you mean? Of course we trust her to actually do the spell! The testimonials say it all:

Hmm... but you are still fat, right?

And just look at how happy Michelle K is with the service:

What? Holy shit! She had three people killed! With magic!

We hereby take back everything we said.

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Discover some real-world applications of the above, in 6 Insane Sports Stories That Will Make You Believe In Curses. Or check out some baffling how-tos, in The 11 Most Unnecessary 'How To' Guides on the Web.

And stop by our Top Picks to see Jack punch his DOB Voodoo doll repeatedly in the genital area.

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