5 Ridiculous Ancient Beliefs (That Thrive on the Internet)
#2.
Dowsing
Why are you scraping by paycheck to paycheck when precious metals and oil are right under your feet, waiting to be found? If you thought finding that stuff required all sorts of, you know, experts and equipment and such, you've not heard of dowsing!
Dowsing, or witching, is the centuries-old process of finding water, oil, gems and precious metals using a bent stick or a pendulum. And magic!
Today, dowsers even have their own professional associations, both Americanand British versions. There's a mailing list for you to join, at a small cost. Trust us, that's the last time the costs will be "small" here.
Sure, there are online guides to dowsing available for free and e-books for the low low price of $20 - $70. But if you're serious, you can take courses with an experienced dowser for $99.
Not bad, considering that "find water via magic" professionals can charge $200 an hour.
Worth every penny.
Of course, just as with ghost hunting, the right tools are everything. Online catalogs sell state of the art water witching tools that boast, "...energy mineral ore is used to stimulate the crystals in the power tube... with a newly developed power load formula in a second power tube."
The top of the line is the Power Master Rod III which can be had for the bargain price of... wait for it...
$2,495.
Be careful before you call bullshit on this, these guys can probably use that thing to "witch" out where you live.
#1.
Witchcraft
Witchcraft isn't quite as cool as Voodoo, but the whole dancing naked with the devil thing almost makes up for the lack of zombies. Many witches will complain that we are taking them out of context and that magic is not evil, only the intent of the caster is evil. Fine. We believed Charlton Heston when he said something similar, we'll believe you too.
We went searching the Internet for an information-age solution to our spellcasting needs and, sure enough, found plenty of grimoires (spell books) available online:
Guess which caught our eye.
Shop for grimoires on Amazon and you find dozens of them in print (though the classics can be found freely available as PDFs, such as the Grimoire Verum, Heptameron and The Black Pullet). But we want to be up on only the most modern witchcraft techniques, such as those offered by Summoning Spirits: The Art of Magical Evocation.
We had almost clicked to order this one when this undoctored two-star review warned us off:
"I'm a student of an esoterical order, and I have quite some knoledge about Magick and Summoning technics. Although this is an interesting book, with a really nice definition of the Art, it takes this Art too lightly in my point of view... I wondered if the author is aware of the real nature and wiseness of this kind of Spirits, and how they can create ilusions in one's mind."
Hmm... that's a good point. We decided to try the less advanced Gothic Grimoire by the same author, but then we saw this one-star review:
Eight of 52 people found that review helpful, which is odd because when we read it out loud our hair burst into flames.
Perhaps this is a subject best left to the experts. And by that we mean an online spell-casting service. Yes, they do curses too. All for the low price of $27, or $54 if you want it triple cast. Or $189 if you want it cast by the coven. If you don't want to wait the usual two or three weeks, add an extra $54 for an urgent cast. All major credit cards accepted, a one year unconditional guarantee on all spells given--provided you maintain a positive frame of mind!
And it's all done via email! No awkward face-to-face interaction required!
What do you mean? Of course we trust her to actually do the spell! The testimonials say it all:
Hmm... but you are still fat, right?
And just look at how happy Michelle K is with the service:
What? Holy shit! She had three people killed! With magic!
We hereby take back everything we said.
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Discover some real-world applications of the above, in 6 Insane Sports Stories That Will Make You Believe In Curses. Or check out some baffling how-tos, in The 11 Most Unnecessary 'How To' Guides on the Web.
And stop by our Top Picks to see Jack punch his DOB Voodoo doll repeatedly in the genital area.
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So, you buy a dowsing rod and a kit to teach you how to use it, and then you actually find an enormous vein of gold in your backyard! Then, you find out that you don't own the mineral rights to your property. Damn.
Replyat least 3 of the 5 named here are legit outside the net - dowsing is the easiest to prove to yourself though, and you needn't buy a thing - any sticks, even two straightened wire coat hangers will work
ReplyThere is absolutely no proof that dowsing works. It's just another pseudo-science crackpot pile of shite.
Um, guys, I agree most of the Voodoo on the Internet is a waste of money, but I can assure you it actually works. I graduated c*m laude from CSUS, honest, and Voodoo REALLY works, honest.
ReplyMost people, from car saleswomen to bankers, are lying idiots, including most people who sell love spells of any kind. But sweet leaping Jesus, I guarantee you, Voodoo really works. You need to be comfortable with dead birds though.
If the spells cast by the 7witchescoven are going to actually make you better off you would think they could afford a higher quality website for one, What about maybe accepting donations after the spell is cast and shown to improve ones situation. IMO the only way someone is going to make money with witch craft is to start a website offering to cast spells for people who don't actually know better than to give their money away for things of this manner. Maybe not having a triple cast spell by the high priestess herself with a witches amulet is why Hugh Hefner doesn't rent the playboy mansion from me by the day yet.
ReplyVoodoo and Wicca are real religions. Albeit, Wicca is kind of an amalgamation of a lot of other pagan religions and is much newer than most people would like you to believe.
ReplyI recently purchase a dousing rod, and I have found more psitanium arrowheads than I could possibly know what to do with. Thanks, amazon!
ReplyI thought this article was substandard for Cracked. Yet this is for 83rd time here. GODAMNIT GHOSTBUSTER COSPLAYING GIRLS!
ReplyI'm pretty sure that review by superman in the Witchcraft section is in Greek typed phonetically with the English alphabet....
Replyas evidenced by the tell-tale "cy" for cyprus next to the nick...
any thought capable of being written down will appear on the internet.
ReplyI don't think anything described here is wackier than Cracked writers believing Afghanistan is "sorta" responsible for 911.
they "sorta" are. They aren't, but their sheltering and bowing to terrorist regimes kind of made them a good staging ground for groups like Al Qaeda. They're definitely more responsible than Iraq, but they don't have oil, so they're a lower priority target.
As usual, belief systems end up in arguments. I think the Wiccans are winning the 'sulky and defensive' competition though. Jeez, for a bunch of pagans they sure are uptight. Go get all skyclad and dance in the forest, it'll do you some good.
ReplyBut can those dowsers find Goddess Cubes?
ReplyI don't think the article is talking about Wicca. Can Wiccans and non-Wiccans agree that paying someone you've never met to magically solve any given problem, by controlling third parties' lives is a bit misguided? Good. Now can religous and non-reigous people agree to shut the f**k up about whose belief should have made the list? Good.
ReplyParticularly since no self-respecting witch would ever condone taking away someone's free will, even assuming it were possible.
like Christianity or any other belief is just as stupid.
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesShow us your wisdom, oh Enlightened One!!!
Any other belief? So even atheism and Islam? In other words believing anything anyone has ever told you is stupid as well. You're an idiot.
@logology101
Atheism is, by default, a LACK of belief.
And yes, Islam is f*****g ridiculous and abhorrent!
I believe ham and cheese are delicious. I hardly think that is stupid
@Hjernespreng
Atheism is the belief that their are no gods, which is a belief, and Islam is not ridiculous or abhorrent, you are simply ignorant and trying to seem like you know what you're talking about by using big words. Grow up and know what you're talking about before you comment
@logology101
Atheism a belief to be compared to christianity? You mean like aunicornism? I don't believe in fairies either, or the easter bunny; that doesn't make it a belief, but a non-belief. You have a belief, I don't.
don't listen to logology101 she's trying to corrupt you with her non-discriminating views!!!!
One subset of atheism is the belief that there are no gods. But agnostic atheists simply do not believe in any gods, and make no assertions to the contrary.
Atheism is not the belief that there are no gods. It is the non belief in a god. There is a difference between believe something doesn't exist and not believing that something exists.
The first sentence in your Witchcraft section is full of win.
Replythis remark in the comment section is made of fail
I think Monty Python and the Holy Grail sums it up best:Burn the Witch!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHowever, how do we know she's a witch?
She turned me into a NEWT!
we must see whether or not she is lighter than a duck
Who are you that is so wise in the ways of science?
Why pick Voodoo over any other religious practice? ridiculous or not it (unlike Wicca/witchcraft) is rooted in ancient practices (arguably the oldest religious beliefs in the world when you trace its history all the way back) and has had an impact on history in a number of ways (look up Papa Doc Duvalier for some interesting examples).
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBecause Voodoo makes zombies, and cracked is 18% about the Zombie Apocalypse.
voodoo isn't a religion, its spiritualism, their's a difference
@Destro9799
Orly? Vodun ("voodoo") was formally recognized as Benin's official religion in 1996.
So Voodoo is a nrm founded in the 1800s by the fox sisters? No I think not. I'm guessing you mean animism (a term for religions that venerate spirits and believes all things living or non have a spirit) but since animism is a type of religion (just as monotheism, polytheism, pantheism and so on are) and since voodoo isn't actually a form of animism (it does not believe all things have a spirit) you're point is still wrong.
Nothing you talk about in the witchraft section has anything to do with witchcraft. Grimoires, for example, were fabricated for a judeo-christian audience. I'm all for making fun of kooky superstitions and moronic religious beliefs (it's one of my favorite pastimes), but you should at least try to be accurate.
ReplyGiven witchcraft only actually means the practice of magic (not the modern religion of wicca) thats a pretty broad generalization.
The hell is a Love Wanga?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMojo bag..
My penis, fool!
My penis, fool!
I know this is one of the more ridiculous things to get all nit picky about but do people not know you can just walk into a church and get holy water? You are actually encouraged to take it *not to hunt ghosts though, to bless yourselves with but whatever).
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies*gurgle gurgle gurgle* 'Priest runs over swinging Bible, "This is the last damned TIME.' 'Ghost hunters flee the church with vows to return'.
You can also ask the priest to bless a bottle of water and voila instant holy water.
What the f**k is LikelyIke trying to say?
According to a priest i spoke to about this, you can actually just bless a bottle of water yourself by doing the sign of the cross over it.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
ReplyNah you usually find but destroying candles with a chain whip.