|
Here in the information age every one of us is a few keystrokes away from all the discoveries and wisdom that built modern civilization. Yes, long gone are the dark days of magic and mythology, when men worshiped the stars and paid witches and warlocks to cast spells on their enemies...
Oh, wait. Sorry, it turns out the witches and warlocks just moved their operation to the Internet. And raised their prices. All you have to do is pull up your browser and search for... #5.
Voodoo
Are you suffering from ill fortune? Is life getting you down? Want revenge on your boss? The power of Voodoo is here to help! What's that? You think poking Voodoo dolls to get back at your enemies is a ridiculous ancient tradition practiced only by low-budget horror movie villains with fake accents? You're behind on the times, friend. This is 2009, and a quick look at suggested Google searches shows the Voodoo business is a boomin':
There are Voodoo news groups, Google groups, online shops, how-to guides, you name it. Holy crap! How do we get started? Well a quick check of the Wikipedia page lets us know that we would need a gris-gris, or voodoo doll, for most spells. Pausing only to take a quick shot of our own brand of cure-all, Jack Daniels and sterno on ice, we sprang into action. Googling Voodoo dolls soon got us all the information we needed.
You can buy pre-consecrated Voodoo dolls online, complete with an instruction manual on how to use them, for $20 to $100. What could be more convenient for today's frenetic lifestyle? Meanwhile, Voodoo spell kits are also popular sale items. Costing $38 a pop, they are one-shot spells that have to be disposed of within 24 hours of casting, though this clashes a bit with the one year unconditional guarantee offered by the site. What, you still think this whole thing is a money-making scam for stupid people? Then, you haven't read the testimonials!
Hmm... we hate to be pedantic here, but the "retrieve a lover" spell didn't actually work, right? You got a new one instead. Eh, probably just as good.
See? For only $200 worth of spells, her lover came back to her! Or, the ex realized he was going to have to go through the whole "find a woman to have sex with" thing again and cut his losses. Nearly every page started with a stern warning not to take this lightly. Howtodothings.com gave us this particularly useful bit: "Voodoo dolls are not something to take lightly. Whether you believe in the faith behind the tradition of making Voodoo dolls or not, you may want to take precautions before making these dolls." No, it never explains what the precautions are. Hell, all we're doing is casting magic spells here, surely a little common sense will guide us through! #4.
Ghost Hunting
Don't believe in ghosts? Well have you thought maybe it's because you're just not very good at hunting them? Fortunately the 21st century has given us advanced ghost-hunting tactics that our primitive, superstitious ancestors would never have dreamed of! Type "Ghost h" into Google and it'll take over from there:
The logical place to start, we found, was with The International Ghost Hunters Society. Started and run by David and Sharon Oester, they offer a three-part certification course on ghost hunting. Yes, certification. Look, if you walk into the Human Resources office of a major ghost hunting firm, you better have a certification in hand or you're getting laughed out of there.
Fortunately, for only $250, that certification can be yours! If that is not sufficient, an extra $50 will get you the course materials to become a certified dimensional shifter. Which... actually sounds more useful (you'd be God, right?)
But don't even think about going into the field without the right tools, unless you want to end up with severe ghost... burns or whatever happens when you mishandle ghosts (if you're prepared you won't have to find out, will you?). Head on over to the Ghost Hunter Store and pick up some pieces from their mind-boggling selection of equipment. There's a Ghost Meter for only $29.99:
Holy water for just $3.50:
And Geiger Counters for detecting, uh, ghost radiation:
Once you've hunted down your ghost, don't forget to take some incredibly blurry pictures for the Internet! #3.
Astrology
Astrology has been around pretty much as long as humanity has. It is the study on how stars influence the daily lives of one species on a tiny planet 10,000 light years away. When we saw there were 39.6 million results for astrology...
...we were encouraged. After all, that's fewer than the 40.2 million you get for "astronomy." Then we noticed that "astrological signs" had 57 million. Hell, you can get 4.5 million on "sexual astrology" alone:
So how can you unlock the amazing power of astrology? Well you can get a series of qualifications from the International Academy of Astrology at $100 and up per course. That's cheaper than a community college! But of course this is 2009, and if you can't use the power of your PC to help you find love in the stars, why the hell do you even have it? Luckily, you can buy "professional" astrology software for just $400. Damn, that seems kind of pricey when we can get Astrology for the Nintendo DS for just $19.99.
Hell, for that matter The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need is just $13.57 on Amazon. But be warned. From the customer reviews comes this scathing two-star critque: "...the section on synastry, or chart comparison, which is bad to the point of being harmful." That's right. Do astrology wrong, and the stars will give you bad advice. |
5 Self-Destructive Ways People Accidentally Cured Themselves
6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
6 Natural Disasters That Were Caused by Human Stupidity
17 More Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
Okay first of all, Wicca ISN'T EVIL. WE DON'T DANCE NAKED, AND IT IS REAL!!!!
$30 nike jordan prada timberland supra,lacoste,gucci shoes $25 CHANEL, GUCCI, LV, COACH, FENDI, BURBERRY, D&G, JUICY, Ed Hardy handbag $30 coogi jeans,armani,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu jeans,Diesel,Christian Audigier,Rock,True Religion,Affliction,Ed Hardy,RMC jeans etc $35 Coogi,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu,Bape,BBC,Diesel,Christan Audigier,Rock, True Religion, Affliction, Ed Hardy, RMC hoodies $15 Michael Jackson, Armani t-shirts,Affliction,Coogi,Ed hardy,LRG,Crown older,Evisu,G-star,Polo,Christian Audigier t-shirts Top quality! Free shipping!Free returns!No any extra cost! Please visit ------------------------------------------------------------------http://www.netsowntown.com
Is it natural that people seek Beauty and Wealthy???? then we know why rich man wants beautiful woman and sexy woman wants successful man.. you know so many online services focus on it now.. such as -----AffluentSingle.com----- where many real & hot woman and successful & wealthy man waiting for hooking up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
where did that guy get the Mermaid Man costume (as seen in that lovely television show about our favorite inhabitant of Bikini Bottom)? http://spongebob.wikia.com/wiki/Mermaid_Man
Christmas is around the corner: And old customers can also enjoy the gifts sent by my company in a can also request to our company. Gifts lot,Buy more get the more。Only this site have this treatment Our goal is "Best quality, Best reputation , Best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. http://www.dudemalls.com New to Hong Kong : Winter Dress ---**** NHL Jersey Woman $ 40 ---**** NFL Jersey $ 35 ---**** NBA Jersey $ 34 ---**** MLB Jersey $ 35 ---**** Jordan Six Ring_m $36 ---**** Air Yeezy_m $ 45 ---**** T-Shirt_m $ 25 ---**** Jacket_m $ 36 ---**** Hoody_m $ 50 ---**** Manicure Set $ 20 HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32 Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt: Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35 Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland…… True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13 Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass:$15 Nike shoes: 32$, True Religion jeans:30$, Ed Hardy, t-shirts:12$, NFL Jersey:20$,Boots UGG:50$ Welcome to Shopping →→→ http://www.dudemalls.com I wish you a happy shopping
I was sure it was kind of greek (studied ancient one), but I'm very rusty. These guys are very funny, but sometimes should understand there is not only English around the globe! ### lonely bisexual guy FindBilover dotcom add me
wanna watch free adults movies or naked pics?? pls check out for free__ClassyMingle.c o m__ . Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more effective?? Check out for free: --ClassyMingle.c o m--where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner and hot movies NOW ! You will love it!
Good place for all big and tall singles, please check: Tallloving . com ,More fun waiting for you...
Welcome to Shopping →→→ http://www.dudemalls.com Best quality, Best reputation , Best services With our advanced manufacturing, production lines and well-organized sales networks, we can provide many products, such as apparel, shoes, caps, handbags, etc. Our goal is "the best quality, best reputation and best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32 Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt: Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35 Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……Shoe :$35 True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13 Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass : $15 Nike shoes: 32 $, True Religion jeans: 30 $, Ed Hardy, t-shirts: 12 $, NFL Jersey: 20 $, Boots UGG: 50 $
@ladypinktoe i know what you meant so i dont want to be pedantic but what you said was actually funnier than the article, describing voodoo as stabbing people with pointy sticks, and scornfully, and as a misguided and useless method of revenge I thinnk stabbing people with pointy sticks is recognised as one of the most efficient ways to get revenge thank you for making me laugh out loud! :D
The people who found that Amazon review helpful are lying. Everyone knows spells don't contain commas, and anyone who uses a typeface that includes commas isn't a real magicker.
dowsing actually works For water anyway I dont know about anything else. My father has personally dowsed and "discovered" 40+ wells for people who needed them for drinking water. He has even gone in after the professionals using who use sisemograph and such could not find a proper water source. Its pretty freaky to watch. But does in fact work
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessKiss.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
so nivenus, let me get this strait YOU think that stabbing people with pointy sticks is religious (voodoo), and that people can do magic to fix their lives like in the fictitious novel harry potter? And that these beliefs are not ancient, even though most of this stuff was made up in the sixteen and seventeen hundreds, which was a long f**king time ago. What is religious about stabbing dolls to get what you want, or using spells to force people to do what you want. It basically sounds like "i am more important then any other human being on the planet, which means that i can make people do what i want, because my interests are the only ones that matter." Voodoo and Wicca sound more like obsessions, rather then religions, and yes they were made up a FUCKING LONG TIME AGO, THEY ARE FUCKING ANCIENT. and what is not ridiculous about thinking that you have 'god-like powers' ?
So apparently two valid religions, Wicca and Voodou, count as ridiculous ancient beliefs (though neither are particularly ridiculous OR ancient)?
Hematemesis! thanks for translating it. I was sure it was kind of greek (studied ancient one), but I'm very rusty. These guys are very funny, but sometimes should understand there is not only English around the globe! Regards, Matt
Lucky im a Nihilist, however the humor in this article was bad, didnt laugh, sorry
Back when our hunter-gatherer ancestors were roaming the Afircan savanna, if you were an idiot, you usually got eaten by a lion or a hyena. Now you BREED MORE IDIOTS.
Christmas is around the corner: And old customers can also enjoy the gifts sent by my company in a can also request to our company. Gifts lot,Buy more get the more。Only this site have this treatmentOur goal is "Best quality, Best reputation , Best services". Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs. http://www.icfshop.com New to Hong Kong : Winter Dress ---**** NHL Jersey Woman $ 40 ---**** NFL Jersey $ 35 ---**** NBA Jersey $ 34 ---**** MLB Jersey $ 35 ---**** Jordan Six Ring_m $36 ---**** Air Yeezy_m $ 45 ---**** T-Shirt_m $ 25 ---**** Jacket_m $ 36 ---**** Hoody_m $ 50 ---**** Manicure Set $ 20 HOT SELL Product Brand is below: Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Ai Max/AF1/Dunk: $32,Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt: ,Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35,Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30 New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap :$13,Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass:$15,Nike shoes: 32$, True Religion jeans:30$, Ed Hardy, t-shirts:12$, NFLJersey:20$,Boots UGG:50$ Welcome to Shopping →→→ http://www.icfshop.com I wish you a happy shopping
Who said I laugh at Christians, noradosmith? I don't. I was raised by two of them.
7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know (For Some Reason)
The 15 Most Shameless Fake Photos Ever Passed Off as Real
6 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 3!)
The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
Fark
