5 Ridiculous Ancient Beliefs (That Thrive on the Internet)
Here in the information age every one of us is a few keystrokes away from all the discoveries and wisdom that built modern civilization. Yes, long gone are the dark days of magic and mythology, when men worshiped the stars and paid witches and warlocks to cast spells on their enemies...
Oh, are they?
Oh, wait. Sorry, it turns out the witches and warlocks just moved their operation to the Internet. And raised their prices.
All you have to do is pull up your browser and search for...
#5.
Voodoo
Are you suffering from ill fortune? Is life getting you down? Want revenge on your boss? The power of Voodoo is here to help!
What's that? You think poking Voodoo dolls to get back at your enemies is a ridiculous ancient tradition practiced only by low-budget horror movie villains with fake accents? You're behind on the times, friend. This is 2009, and a quick look at suggested Google searches shows the Voodoo business is a boomin':
There are Voodoo news groups, Google groups, online shops, how-to guides, you name it. Holy crap! How do we get started?
Well a quick check of the Wikipedia page lets us know that we would need a gris-gris, or voodoo doll, for most spells. Pausing only to take a quick shot of our own brand of cure-all, Jack Daniels and sterno on ice, we sprang into action. Googling Voodoo dolls soon got us all the information we needed.
Corporate gifts?
You can buy pre-consecrated Voodoo dolls online, complete with an instruction manual on how to use them, for $20 to $100. What could be more convenient for today's frenetic lifestyle?
Meanwhile, Voodoo spell kits are also popular sale items. Costing $38 a pop, they are one-shot spells that have to be disposed of within 24 hours of casting, though this clashes a bit with the one year unconditional guarantee offered by the site.
What, you still think this whole thing is a money-making scam for stupid people? Then, you haven't read the testimonials!
Hmm... we hate to be pedantic here, but the "retrieve a lover" spell didn't actually work, right? You got a new one instead. Eh, probably just as good.
See? For only $200 worth of spells, her lover came back to her! Or, the ex realized he was going to have to go through the whole "find a woman to have sex with" thing again and cut his losses.
Nearly every page started with a stern warning not to take this lightly. Howtodothings.com gave us this particularly useful bit:
"Voodoo dolls are not something to take lightly. Whether you believe in the faith behind the tradition of making Voodoo dolls or not, you may want to take precautions before making these dolls."
No, it never explains what the precautions are. Hell, all we're doing is casting magic spells here, surely a little common sense will guide us through!
#4.
Ghost Hunting
Don't believe in ghosts? Well have you thought maybe it's because you're just not very good at hunting them? Fortunately the 21st century has given us advanced ghost-hunting tactics that our primitive, superstitious ancestors would never have dreamed of!
Type "Ghost h" into Google and it'll take over from there:
The logical place to start, we found, was with The International Ghost Hunters Society. Started and run by David and Sharon Oester, they offer a three-part certification course on ghost hunting.
Yes, certification. Look, if you walk into the Human Resources office of a major ghost hunting firm, you better have a certification in hand or you're getting laughed out of there.
Fortunately, for only $250, that certification can be yours! If that is not sufficient, an extra $50 will get you the course materials to become a certified dimensional shifter. Which... actually sounds more useful (you'd be God, right?)
But don't even think about going into the field without the right tools, unless you want to end up with severe ghost... burns or whatever happens when you mishandle ghosts (if you're prepared you won't have to find out, will you?).
Head on over to the Ghost Hunter Store and pick up some pieces from their mind-boggling selection of equipment. There's a Ghost Meter for only $29.99:
Holy water for just $3.50:
And Geiger Counters for detecting, uh, ghost radiation:
Once you've hunted down your ghost, don't forget to take some incredibly blurry pictures for the Internet!
#3.
Astrology
Astrology has been around pretty much as long as humanity has. It is the study on how stars influence the daily lives of one species on a tiny planet 10,000 light years away.
When we saw there were 39.6 million results for astrology...
...we were encouraged. After all, that's fewer than the 40.2 million you get for "astronomy." Then we noticed that "astrological signs" had 57 million.
Hell, you can get 4.5 million on "sexual astrology" alone:
So how can you unlock the amazing power of astrology? Well you can get a series of qualifications from the International Academy of Astrology at $100 and up per course. That's cheaper than a community college!
But of course this is 2009, and if you can't use the power of your PC to help you find love in the stars, why the hell do you even have it? Luckily, you can buy "professional" astrology software for just $400.
Damn, that seems kind of pricey when we can get Astrology for the Nintendo DS for just $19.99.
Hell, for that matter The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need is just $13.57 on Amazon. But be warned. From the customer reviews comes this scathing two-star critque:
"...the section on synastry, or chart comparison, which is bad to the point of being harmful."
That's right. Do astrology wrong, and the stars will give you bad advice.
So, you buy a dowsing rod and a kit to teach you how to use it, and then you actually find an enormous vein of gold in your backyard! Then, you find out that you don't own the mineral rights to your property. Damn.
Replyat least 3 of the 5 named here are legit outside the net - dowsing is the easiest to prove to yourself though, and you needn't buy a thing - any sticks, even two straightened wire coat hangers will work
ReplyThere is absolutely no proof that dowsing works. It's just another pseudo-science crackpot pile of shite.
Um, guys, I agree most of the Voodoo on the Internet is a waste of money, but I can assure you it actually works. I graduated c*m laude from CSUS, honest, and Voodoo REALLY works, honest.
ReplyMost people, from car saleswomen to bankers, are lying idiots, including most people who sell love spells of any kind. But sweet leaping Jesus, I guarantee you, Voodoo really works. You need to be comfortable with dead birds though.
If the spells cast by the 7witchescoven are going to actually make you better off you would think they could afford a higher quality website for one, What about maybe accepting donations after the spell is cast and shown to improve ones situation. IMO the only way someone is going to make money with witch craft is to start a website offering to cast spells for people who don't actually know better than to give their money away for things of this manner. Maybe not having a triple cast spell by the high priestess herself with a witches amulet is why Hugh Hefner doesn't rent the playboy mansion from me by the day yet.
ReplyVoodoo and Wicca are real religions. Albeit, Wicca is kind of an amalgamation of a lot of other pagan religions and is much newer than most people would like you to believe.
ReplyI recently purchase a dousing rod, and I have found more psitanium arrowheads than I could possibly know what to do with. Thanks, amazon!
ReplyI thought this article was substandard for Cracked. Yet this is for 83rd time here. GODAMNIT GHOSTBUSTER COSPLAYING GIRLS!
ReplyI'm pretty sure that review by superman in the Witchcraft section is in Greek typed phonetically with the English alphabet....
Replyas evidenced by the tell-tale "cy" for cyprus next to the nick...
any thought capable of being written down will appear on the internet.
ReplyI don't think anything described here is wackier than Cracked writers believing Afghanistan is "sorta" responsible for 911.
they "sorta" are. They aren't, but their sheltering and bowing to terrorist regimes kind of made them a good staging ground for groups like Al Qaeda. They're definitely more responsible than Iraq, but they don't have oil, so they're a lower priority target.
As usual, belief systems end up in arguments. I think the Wiccans are winning the 'sulky and defensive' competition though. Jeez, for a bunch of pagans they sure are uptight. Go get all skyclad and dance in the forest, it'll do you some good.
ReplyBut can those dowsers find Goddess Cubes?
ReplyI don't think the article is talking about Wicca. Can Wiccans and non-Wiccans agree that paying someone you've never met to magically solve any given problem, by controlling third parties' lives is a bit misguided? Good. Now can religous and non-reigous people agree to shut the f**k up about whose belief should have made the list? Good.
ReplyParticularly since no self-respecting witch would ever condone taking away someone's free will, even assuming it were possible.
like Christianity or any other belief is just as stupid.
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesShow us your wisdom, oh Enlightened One!!!
Any other belief? So even atheism and Islam? In other words believing anything anyone has ever told you is stupid as well. You're an idiot.
@logology101
Atheism is, by default, a LACK of belief.
And yes, Islam is f*****g ridiculous and abhorrent!
I believe ham and cheese are delicious. I hardly think that is stupid
@Hjernespreng
Atheism is the belief that their are no gods, which is a belief, and Islam is not ridiculous or abhorrent, you are simply ignorant and trying to seem like you know what you're talking about by using big words. Grow up and know what you're talking about before you comment
@logology101
Atheism a belief to be compared to christianity? You mean like aunicornism? I don't believe in fairies either, or the easter bunny; that doesn't make it a belief, but a non-belief. You have a belief, I don't.
don't listen to logology101 she's trying to corrupt you with her non-discriminating views!!!!
One subset of atheism is the belief that there are no gods. But agnostic atheists simply do not believe in any gods, and make no assertions to the contrary.
Atheism is not the belief that there are no gods. It is the non belief in a god. There is a difference between believe something doesn't exist and not believing that something exists.
The first sentence in your Witchcraft section is full of win.
Replythis remark in the comment section is made of fail
I think Monty Python and the Holy Grail sums it up best:Burn the Witch!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHowever, how do we know she's a witch?
She turned me into a NEWT!
we must see whether or not she is lighter than a duck
Who are you that is so wise in the ways of science?
Why pick Voodoo over any other religious practice? ridiculous or not it (unlike Wicca/witchcraft) is rooted in ancient practices (arguably the oldest religious beliefs in the world when you trace its history all the way back) and has had an impact on history in a number of ways (look up Papa Doc Duvalier for some interesting examples).
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBecause Voodoo makes zombies, and cracked is 18% about the Zombie Apocalypse.
voodoo isn't a religion, its spiritualism, their's a difference
@Destro9799
Orly? Vodun ("voodoo") was formally recognized as Benin's official religion in 1996.
So Voodoo is a nrm founded in the 1800s by the fox sisters? No I think not. I'm guessing you mean animism (a term for religions that venerate spirits and believes all things living or non have a spirit) but since animism is a type of religion (just as monotheism, polytheism, pantheism and so on are) and since voodoo isn't actually a form of animism (it does not believe all things have a spirit) you're point is still wrong.
Nothing you talk about in the witchraft section has anything to do with witchcraft. Grimoires, for example, were fabricated for a judeo-christian audience. I'm all for making fun of kooky superstitions and moronic religious beliefs (it's one of my favorite pastimes), but you should at least try to be accurate.
ReplyGiven witchcraft only actually means the practice of magic (not the modern religion of wicca) thats a pretty broad generalization.
The hell is a Love Wanga?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMojo bag..
My penis, fool!
My penis, fool!
I know this is one of the more ridiculous things to get all nit picky about but do people not know you can just walk into a church and get holy water? You are actually encouraged to take it *not to hunt ghosts though, to bless yourselves with but whatever).
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies*gurgle gurgle gurgle* 'Priest runs over swinging Bible, "This is the last damned TIME.' 'Ghost hunters flee the church with vows to return'.
You can also ask the priest to bless a bottle of water and voila instant holy water.
What the f**k is LikelyIke trying to say?
According to a priest i spoke to about this, you can actually just bless a bottle of water yourself by doing the sign of the cross over it.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
ReplyNah you usually find but destroying candles with a chain whip.
One day, a crabby christian saw this.