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6 Magical Movie Items They Wasted on Bullshit

#3.
Universal Remote Control (Click)

The Item:

A magical controller given to Adam Sandler in Click by the Angel of Death himself, Christopher Walken (playing Christopher Walken), the Universal Remote grants you power over the very fabric of the universe. The user is free to manipulate matter and time via typical remote options, like fast forwarding, muting or presumably anything a typical remote can do. Including putting bouncing titties in slow motion:

The Usage:

Sandler uses the remote to fast-forward his life when he gets bored. He forwards his life a couple of months until he gets a promotion, missing out on literally thousands of hours he could have spent boning Kate Beckinsale in a cowboy hat. Though he does pause David Hasselhoff and then farts in his mouth, so it sort of balances out.

What It Should Have Been Used For:

You know what? Screw the remote. We want to use it as an excuse to strike up a chat with Angel Walken. Once again the main character has a link to the afterlife and he uses it for what? To get his life back on track? You self-centered ass. You couldn't spare one minute to talk to Death himself and get answers to questions that have plagued humanity for centuries?

As for the remote itself, hell the language switching feature enough seems to act as a universal translator. That alone would be pretty damned useful.

And whatever combination of pause, and move people around he used for farting in mouths could have made him billions on the stock market with the least bit of imagination. Again, something that could have come in handy seeing as the entire plot of this film was Sandler trying to succeed in his job as an architect. Adam, you can manipulate the universe like it's one big tangle of puppetry. When you are a billionaire, people let you build just about anything you want.


Like a Dildo Tower.

#2.
Magic Mirror (Snow White)

The Item:

Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves equivalent to Google, the Queen's magic mirror was a powerful artifact which housed a spirit who could answer any question, locate any person and, if we understood its nature properly, narrate any erotic novel it was asked about. Holy hell, it really was Google.

The Usage:

Throughout the movie the only question the Queen offers the all-knowing mirror is whether she is pretty, reducing the powerful demon to the medieval equivalent of Hot or Not?

What It Should Have Been Used For:

We're not historical scholars, but back in the Dung Ages didn't you usually have dozens of small time royals crowning themselves kings, reigning over small portions of land and utterly slaughtering the ever loving fuck out of each other whenever a dustbowl caused them to resort to cannibalism?

With a mirror that can see across lands--and especially into other people's houses and toilets--any kingdom which possesses the artifact can more or less take over the world. You ask it where the nearest gold mines are and you mine the shit out of them. You equip your army, double check each decision with the mirror and you march on your enemies. With the spirit calculating weather patterns, strategies and alliances, you quickly find yourself as the unquestionable ruler of an entire continent in no time, free to slaughter any girl who dares to be born with symmetrical features.

Shit, we'd be speaking that kingdom's language today.

And who knows where the boundaries of the mirror end. Does it possess technological knowledge? What if we asked it about the recipe for the cure for cancer, time travel or an immortality pill? Thanks to the Queen's egocentrism we will never know.

#1.
The Computer (Weird Science)

The Item:

A PC used by characters Wyatt and Gary in Weird Science, backed up with the magic of "the government's mainframe" which the boys totally hacked into with a machine that had less processing power than a modern electric dildo.

They use it to bring to life an all powerful genie by scanning pictures of hot girls and putting bras on their heads.

The Usage:

Out from their computer emerges Lisa, the smoking hot genie with the powers of God, who is used as a plot device to get the boys in a series of typical 80s-movie shenanigans. Ultimately, this results in them dealing with their bullies, getting the girls and developing some self-confidence. All of which could have been easily accomplished if she simply got them a gun.


And the movie kept going after that...?

What It Should Have Been Used For:

It is true that Lisa was not a very compliant all-powerful genie; but that's solely because Gary and Wyatt "fed her the data" of David Lee Roth--a move which, like David's choice of clothing, probably seemed like a good idea at the time.

So forget Lisa. Go hack the shit out of the Pentagon's floppy disc... drive... library processor or something again, and create an all new, sexy genie. Only this time, be sure to pump into her the personality of some docile 50s sitcom housewife. After that, the sky's the limit. You've got a damned all-powerful goddess at your side.

With your walking, giant "Fuck You!" to the Laws of Physics, the power of creation is in the palm of your hand. You can chose to make the world a place free of sickness, poverty and crime, or take over the galaxy and rule it with an iron fist from your Dong Tower on Uranus.... anything besides trying to impress a cheap high school floozy.

It doesn't take more than a mix tape of Julio Iglesias and a bottle of cheap wine to do that.


You can read more from Cezary at DrownYourself.com.

For more terrible movie decisions, check out 6 'Brilliant' Movie Scientists (Who Suck At Their Job) and 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball.

And stop by Cracked's Top Picks to see Brockway misuse the bottle of pills he just found.

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