7 Hilariously Failed Attempts at Politically Correct Toys
#3.
Pink Ribbon Barbie
In 2006, Mattel (again) had the nutty idea that they should honor breast cancer fighters/survivors with a special Pink Ribbon Barbie and donate a percentage of the profits to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, which is so noble that 17 bald eagles exploded when you read that sentence.
So What's the Problem?
Imagine creating a doll whose sole purpose was to honor people born with flipper arms, but instead of crafting actual flipper arms for your doll you give her the most beautiful arms mankind had ever seen and a withering, condescending smile to beam back at the mutated horror-children she is meant to honor. This Barbie is kind of like that.
Mattel's approximation of someone with cancer.
Women battling breast cancer frequently lose their hair from chemotherapy and, in extreme cases, end up having one or both breasts removed as a last ditch effort to save themselves from the disease.
So "honoring" survivors with a fully coiffed pink princess and two gigantic, perfect boobs, who's on her way to the Healthy Lady Ball didn't quite sit well with a few people.
What makes this more confusing is the fact that the creator of Barbie, Ruth Handler, was a breast cancer survivor herself. So why was Mattel--who had the nerve to mass produce a doll with a fetus inside of it--too squeamish to make a toy actually depicting the symptoms suffered by the very woman who created it?
Oh right, because nobody would've fucking bought it.
#2.
Preemie Cabbage Patch Dolls
Following the phenomenal success of the Cabbage Patch Kids, Coleco chose to expand the doll line in a new direction, wisely targeting the whimsical joys of life-threatening premature births.
The Cabbage Patch Preemie dolls featured smaller bodies than their full-term counterparts, tiny diapers and baldish heads that smelled like they'd been rolled around in baby powder for seven hours.
So What's the Problem?
You know what's not all that cuddly? A one and a half-pound infant fighting for its fragile life in a coffin-shaped incubator with more tubes and machines attached to it than Weapon X. Don't forget the bandages that keep the light out of its underdeveloped eyes, or the little heating beds it has to lay in because it can't maintain its body heat. Toss in some weeping parents and a couple of nurses probing and prodding its frail little body and you've got the must-have toy of the season.
Coleco didn't even remotely try to emulate actual premature babies, which was probably for the best because other dollmakers have and this is what they ended up with:
Transforming delicate babies into big, fat-headed Cabbage Patch dolls is hardly endearing to preemie parents, but Coleco stepped up to the plate with this brilliant commercial, telling us once and for all that all it takes to keep a premature baby alive is a shitload of cookies:
#1.
Oreo Barbie
Sigh. Yeah, we had a sneaking suspicion that we weren't done with Barbie.
In 1997, Mattel joined forces with Nabisco in a cross-promotional effort that delighted fat little girls nationwide. And to prove once again that Mattel has the racial sensitivity of a package of Handi Snacks, they picked the one cookie in the universe that could ever be construed as offensive, ever.
Not a Photoshop.
Marketed as a toy that girls could feed their Oreos to after school (what?), Mattel manufactured both white and black dolls each sporting clothes that had "Oreo" written all over them as if they had just been attacked by a crazed team of Nabisco executives armed with magic markers. Early plans to pair the white doll with Ritz and stencil the word "Cracker" all over her clothes were nixed before production.
Cracker Barbie.
So What's the Problem?
"Oreo" happens to be a derogatory term used within the African-American community to describe a black person who, on the inside, really wants to be white. Get it? Because an Oreo is a chocolate cookie with white filling. It's the kind of thing it would take the whitest toy design team in the world to miss.
That's why it wasn't until the dolls were on shelves and baffling people across the country that Mattel realized their mistake (thanks to a collective "Are you shitting me?" from members of all races).
The Oreo Barbies were yanked from stores and discontinued, immediately turning them into sought after collectibles and leaving us with the riddle of what ethnic group Mattel will offend with their next promotion.
Kristi Harrison plays dress up with racist Barbies at Here-In-Idaho.com. Adam Tod Brown plays with his racist GI Joes at FunnyCrave.com.
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For more toys you shouldn't buy your children, check out 9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of Menial Labor. Or find out about some toys that will straight eat your child, in The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys.
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Wait, I'm confused... The Lil Monkey baby doll came in more than once race. Would it have been less racist to just not include an African-American doll at all? I don't mean to be racist, I'm just honestly asking...
ReplyIt's implying that Obama is a monkey. Which officially makes it hilariously fucked up
I own 2 different wheel chair Barbies, and a McDonalds employee Barbie with her "kid sister."
ReplyYou missed "Barbie helps you find her clitoris so clueless men can help her come," and "Ken explains how to stimulate his prostate gland so he can have almost as much fun as Barbie."
ReplyI admit I don't see the problem with Pink Ribbon Barbie. It sounds to me like it's just an awareness promotion, sticking the pink ribbon logo on their product like a million other products do. (Whether "raising awareness" actually does any good or not at this stage is another question.) I don't see why it would be necessary to actually have a doll suffering from cancer, not even getting into the fact that not all breast cancer sufferers lose their hair or breasts.
ReplyLong story short, I think the world benefits more from making a pretty, inaccurate doll that raises a lot of money in donations for research, than making an unpretty, accurate doll that nobody wants to buy (either because they aren't cancer sufferers and can't identify with it, or because they are and don't want the reminder.)
So a bald Barbie, or a Barbie without huge tits, isn't pretty? You're just full of class and sensitivity.
If people only bought Barbie because they could identify with it, I don't think there's be so many non-blonde, non-big-tittied little girls running around. Adults buy all sorts of things that they collect (like Barbies), regardless of what they look like. Take the Oreo Barbie. Apparently it's a sought after collectible, despite the whole racist thing going on. If people want to buy Racist Barbie, I'm sure they'd buy a Barbie without a rack.
" (THE SHAPE OF THE f*****g EYES)"
ReplyIsn't this the same site that pointed out that white people see all Asians as having slanted eyes but that they don't see themselves that way? Which would make depicting them as slanty racist in its own right?
You have to wonder about the eyebrows, though.
"...leaving us with the riddle of what ethnic group Mattel will offend with their next promotion." How about Barbie's new Hindu friend Dot? :-D
ReplyI was born premature (1 month, 3 weeks). I have only a small idea of what my parents went through, but I still think it's terrible that Coleco would ever try to sell premie baby dolls, and I can't imagine my parents would have ever bought that doll for me when I was a kid.
ReplyI'm an Asian female, and I think the Chinese New Year Barbie doll is a representation of a beautiful Asian woman (such as how Barbie, in general, is supposed to represent the ideal woman). I think this is a case of being overly sensitive. Thanks, Cracked, for thinking Asian women can't have a ridiculous standard of beauty to live up to!
ReplyIt's bad enough for girls to have a ridiculous standard of beauty to live up to.
It's even worse when that ridiculous standard of beauty is to look like another ethnic group, as if their own wasn't good enough.
I had a different version of pregnant midge. Her belly popped off, baby inside, and a small belly under the baby. I loved her. I used to pop off her head and trade it with the barbie I thought had a prettier head for playtime. Then pop the pretty head back on the the hotter body after the baby was born. thought it was the coolest doll ever.
ReplyAm I the only person who also had no clue what was wrong with the Oreo Barbie until they told me?
Reply.
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Don't look at me like that! I'm ignorant, alright? And white. Very very white...
Personally, I thought it was an offensive term for a biracial person.
I actually see no problem with #3. The authors did seem to understand that Mattel designed a toy that would sell... Because the point was NOT to gross little girls out with a "realistic" cancer Barbie, but to f*****g raise funds for a charity ! Yeah, what a dick move, right ?
ReplySo... cancer victims gross kids out just because they're bald and/or titless? Besides, I highly doubt a collectible Barbie for charity is what parents bought their kids left and right. That's the type of Barbie that doesn't leave the box and it put on a shelf.
They can EASILY raise money by having a bald and/or tit-free Barbie if they promote the f**k out of it. It's just they'd spend to much on promotion, and, you know, f**k that if it means raising more funds for charity and not their own pockets.
Excuse me, cancer victims are bald only for a short period of time, when they're going through chemo! And sure as hell they don't want to be remembered and seen by the whole world just as the person in that most vulnerable of all moments when you want to be alone and hidden, and not objectified into dolls and 'you are beautiful' films, etc. You want to move on to normal as soon as possible and forget!!! What's with the exhibitionistic insanity of the Western world, I will never understand...
There is apparently going to be a new cancer awareness doll after an internet campaign. This one will be bald but come with a variety of wigs and head scarves. The campaigners want them to be available so that small children wont be frightened or upset if a parent loses their hair to chemo and starts wearing wigs and headscarves.
ReplyDespite this, some people will probably find it offensive.
That's awesome and that's what they should have done with the barbie doll.
My friend had a Midge doll! I don't get why they discontinued her, the baby wasn't creepy :(
ReplyI actually heard it was because Midge didn't have a wedding ring on her finger, but I don't know if that's true or not lol
i honestly don't think Oreo barbie should've stopped being sold. The people who thought it was racist are more racist than the people who made it and do you know why? the makers thought it was a black girl who happened to love Oreos. everyone else thought they were using it as a derogatory term. so what, black girls cant love Oreos? if i go to the store tomorrow and buy some Oreos (because they're delicious is why), will that make me a racist?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesy'all is assholes
Honestly, that holds for the monkey reference, too.
1. A lot of kids bedrooms are done with animal themes, and it's not hard to find monkeys all over the place.
2. A lot of white parents call their kids little monkeys when they are under the age of 5 due to how fast these kids climb and run--which is hard on the parents to keep up with. Speaking as someone who comes from a Creationist background, I still call my white niece and nephew monkeys every time they climb over the furniture, since that's what I grew up hearing. Not that big a deal to me.
But it doesn't mean I'm blind to the way people react to the words.
And gay just means happy, right? And a faggot is just a bundle of sticks?
^ Yeah, that only works if the term "Monkey" was widely used for something other than the animal. In this day and age a Monkey is a Monkey. "Gay" no longer is the main word for "happy" and now refers to a sexuality. Same for "faggot". Nice try with the logic, but I'm definitely on par with Cynical and Isontica.
Would anyone have flown into a rage if a white Barbie was sporting how much she loved Triscuit CRACKERS? No. Because everyone f*****g loves crackers. They're edible plates. Just like everyone loves Oreos.
Don't see anything offensive about a pregnant Barbie. And it obviously wasn't marketed as "midge and foetus" it's a doll having a baby. Seems quite pointedly political to keep calling it a foetus to be honest. In fact none of these are particularly shocking. I was always called a lil monkey when I was little and I'm as white as they come.
ReplyYou're sick. Let's see how creative you get about this comment. Maybe it's politically incorrect lol
ReplySensitivity? Easily offended people who are ready to jump at any opportunity to get money from a company? Yep, it's America! (I'm American, in case people are going to be trollin') I'm just sick and tired of the overly sensitive nuts. #4, #5, and #7 were pretty legit, though. They really struck a chord that shouldn't have been struck. Yet, I'm wondering how, in heaven's name, does #6 exist. People taking offense at a company that (with a tinge of failure) gives attention to them?!?!
ReplyThe term oreo does not mean a black person who wants to be white. It means a black person who does not show the stereotypical characteristics of blackness but display traits ignorant black people mistake as being white
ReplyAre we really debating the nuances of a derogatory term?
He's trying to explain why it's better to be white than black.
I'm not trying to defend Mattel. Not with that track record. Just speculating. My sister collected Barbies in the 90's. They marketed a series just for such nutty collectors that featured Barbie in various historical and celebrity attire. They weren't pushed as Barbie actually being a representation of Gene Kelly or Queen Elisabeth I. It was "Barbie going to a costume party dressed as..." I wonder if that Chinese and Amazon Barbie were part of that series?
ReplyNo, I have the Chinese New Year Barbie. She's supposed to be Chinese. She may not look "very Asian" alone, but when you hold her up to the white Barbies she's very obviously not white.
My dad owns the Obama '08 T-shirt from number 5. Yes, we live in the South... -.-
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