6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life

#3. Piercings for Sexual Performance

If you scoff at the idea of mere hallucinogens and dick racks, then piercings may be for you. There are several piercings that have gained popularity as ways to enhance performance and pleasure, but the most common are the Prince Albert and Jacob's Ladder. Neither of these names quite capture the level of creepiness that those of us not into dong modification feel upon actually seeing them.

Both require weeks of healing time, risk of infection or rejection of the hardware, and of course the special pain that can only come from having someone turn your penis into a pin cushion with a 10-gauge piercing needle.

This is not a fish hook, that's the piercing needle. Still sure this is a good idea?

If you'd like to know what a needle like that feels like without going to a shop to have it done, simply break all but one of the tines off a fork then stab yourself with it.

The Prince Albert is said to be the most sexually appealing piercing by people who decide how hot metal-dicks are. It is performed by inserting a needle from the outside of your unit, into the urethra and out through a tube that's been inserted into your piss hole to make sure it all goes smoothly. What you're left with is a metal ring now embedded right next to a very sensitive nerve bundle and a good reason to never get into a fight with anyone while pantsless.

The Ladder is a bit more demanding and involves turning your dong into something resembling a cross between a flute and a spiral notebook.

That's an ear, but you get the idea

Hoops or barbells are inserted from just below the head and along the shaft to the base. The exact number is entirely based on how insane you are.

#2. Penile Implants

Alright, now the shit gets serious. We're talking about going under the knife here.

Implants are all about performance, not appearance (and in fact they kind of work against you for that, but more on that in a moment). Options for this surgical erector set include a malleable insert that will give you a permanent boner and, as an added bonus, you will be able to bend and pose your pocket python for impromptu photo shoots and party tricks.

"Basically we're just gonna stick this in your dick somewhere, there's not a whole lot of science to it."

If you don't fancy the idea of having things in a state of permanent readiness--and let's face it, that won't go over well when you're on the job as a lifeguard--then the other option is an inflatable version.

These devices are exactly as cool as Reebok Pump sneakers used to be, only this time it's your dick. Once healed, you can prime the pump with a few quick squeezes of a liquid filled bladder, which is sure to be hours of fun when you're bored at work.

Oh, about the appearances thing, there's one more downfall to this procedure. As it turns out, this surgery actually causes a "mild shortening." Sounds like one of those Catch-22 deals the Devil offers people.

Also, like any device made of metal and plastic, there is wear and tear. The more you use it, the shorter the lifespan of the implant. What does it look like when one of these devices breaks? Google it and find out. We're not going to.

#1. Phalloplasty

Already you know there's got to be some serious drawbacks to dick enlargement surgery, otherwise 40 percent of all medical procedures performed in America would be this.

We're not sure what the problem is. After all, if it's length you're looking for, all you need to do is give the surgeon permission to snip the two ligaments that hold your package to the pubic bone, and the newly saggy areas can be coaxed outside like a flaccid and horribly scarred turtle coming out of its shell.

Once your dong has healed, you begin phase two. Either the aforementioned traction devices or weights are attached to your new and improved areas to prevent the scar tissue from reeling your unit back into your torso and undoing all of the surgeon's hard work.

Also, your new and improved tower of power will tend to be floppier, and there's a much higher risk of "structural failures" like buckling and penile fractures (surely not as horrifying as it sounds, right?). Oh, and just to make it clear: This is all about appearances. The length shows while your soldier is at ease, but erect you're the same size as before. But it's totally worth the expensive surgery and six-month recovery time to show everybody in the shower who's top dog.

Now, if it's girth you want, that's a whole separate operation altogether and gives you two equally horrifying options.

Liposuction Fat Transfer is the most common, and involves sucking the fat out of your love handles, thighs or ass and injecting it into your unit. Healing time requires several weeks of keeping everything tightly wrapped to prevent your newly stuffed sausage from creating lumps of free floating ass fat that wander around instead of staying where the surgeon put them. If all goes as planned then you'll have a literal chubby. If all doesn't go as planned, then you have a scarred, malformed lumpkin cock.

Dermal Fat Grafts, on the other hand, involve strips of fatty flesh harvested from your thigh, or if you are not keen to add more scars to your own body and have nothing against mutilating the dead, you can find a surgeon that uses FDA approved grafts harvested from organ donors. The corpse flesh is then stitched in from stem to stern along the length of your new Frankensteinian shaft.

For all of you who've suddenly gotten a great idea for a horror movie--say, about a man who gets a cadaver flesh penis implant who suddenly winds up with a dong that's possessed by the spirit of the rapist the flesh was taken from--don't bother. We just have to finish the third act and this sucker will be ready for production.

For more of Susan's work you can check out her blog at Capricia's Corner.

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For more frightening acts in the world of sex, check out The 5 Most Horrific Ways People Have Tried to Discourage Sex and 5 Bizarre Sexual Conditions That Can Ruin Your Life.

And stop by our Top Picks to see DOB trying to convince Jack to pay for his Dermal Fat Grafts.

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