6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
Size is not the only thing that matters in the mating game. As society has advanced men have found countless additional reasons to be dissatisfied with their junk, and someone has always been there to sell them products that will supposedly fix it.
So how far will men go to enhance their package? To awful, horrifying lengths.
#6.
Black Stone A.K.A. Toad Poison for Your Dick
Also known as Love Stone, Stone or Sweet Louisiana Frog Shit, this aphrodisiac can actually be purchased on the street from the same upstanding citizens that deal in meth, crack and other quality merchandise that you smuggle in your ass. Made from toad poison, the same ooze that will get you high from licking amphibians can also give you a raging hard-on if applied to the desired area, which is to say your crank.
Of course, the same hallucinogenic properties are present, meaning that things might start off awesome but soon degrade into an all too real nightmare of you putting the hump on a flame-spewing John Madden and not being able to understand why it's turning you on so much.
Why does it feel so right?!
If you manage to avoid a bad trip, you might still end the night in the hospital, or worse off, the morgue. The active ingredient in Stone is bufotenin, and ingesting it in anything more than microscopic amounts can result in violent stomach cramps, heart problems and eventually your undignified shuffling from this mortal coil, forever saddled with acute toad boner as a cause of death.
#5.
Spanish Fly
If the toad poison doesn't work for you, then there's another horribly ill-conceived source of hope: Spanish Fly. Don't get freaked out, it's not really a fly, that'd be gross. It's just a beetle. A blister beetle. A beetle that causes blisters.
And here it is fucking... something
This legendary aphrodisiac is nothing more than ground up bug bits. What's more, the active ingredient of the stuff, cantharidin, only exists in quantities of about five percent per beetle; meaning many of their tiny exoskeletons have to be crushed to a powder to make just one shimmering, bitter tasting dose. The likelihood that each hit of Spanish Fly contains at least as much tangy insect as your average meal at Taco Bell is fairly high.
If you are willing to ingest this creepy crawling cocktail, be prepared for the results. Spanish Fly is not so much an aphrodisiac as it is a toxin that will give you a horrifyingly itchy inflammation of the genital area and a rousing case of priaprism (a hard-on that just won't quit). And who amongst us hasn't thought a night of passion would be made all the more exhilarating by the addition of horrible crotch itch and a raging poison boner?
This guy tried it. He loves it.
The bigger issue with Spanish Fly is that its effect isn't limited to your penis. That same horrifying nightmare affecting your ballsack is affecting your whole body. And if you overdose then every inch of you will be stiff once they cart your bug-addled ass to the morgue.
Alright, so the chemical solutions don't seem all that great. Unfortunately, they only get worse from here...
#4.
Stretching via Penile Traction
You don't need to hear much beyond "penile traction device" to know it's bad news. If it sounds like it's going to be a tiny version of a medieval torture device for your dong, well, then they picked an accurate name.
The gadget is designed to be worn 12 hours a day, because you probably have that much free time to devote to yanking your dick all out of shape. The idea is that you're forcing the cells to split and rebuild under the stress of stretching. Which is something akin to claiming that bungee jumping with weights strapped on your ass will make you grow taller.
Once your wang is wedged into the contraption, a combination of cogs and springs apply a steady pressure to hold it taut, like your own one-stringed crotch guitar. Originally used to help men with curvatures and scar tissue resulting from traumatic injury or surgery, these gizmos are now available all over the Internet.
Injuries from overzealous application of traction do happen, and include bruising and vascular damage. You also have to figure out a way to wear one 12 hours a day without horrifying your coworkers and avoiding damage and bruising while figuring out how to sit with six-inches of metal in your pants.
If that sounds inconvenient, you could just try the "dangle large weights off the tip of your dong for 15-30 minutes a day" method.
What could possibly go wrong with that?
I'm a girl and I was closing my legs and cringing throughout this article. I expecially hate the genital piercing fab. Its just pointless and unattractive. The surgeries...omg...that is definately horror movie shit.
ReplyIf some men spent as much time learning to not be s**t in bed as they do trying to make their dicks bigger, they might realize the only people who care about c**k size are 1. other men, 2. ignorant cunts, and 3. ex girlfriends. If you know what you're doing, I don't care if your dick is two inches.
ReplyIf some guy came at me with a pierced c**k there would be no fun times for him. That s**t is nasty. Pretty much all of this is out, but since the piercing thing is the most likely for me to run across it's the only one I'm actually worried about.
ReplyPhalloplasty is nothing new to me. I'm FTM and researched that stuff a looooong time ago. The images are no big deal. I won't do it my self as I'm perfectly content not going into outrageous debt and keeping my skin on my legs and arms.
ReplyI almost fell off the couch laughing at "lumpkin cock"
ReplyHow boring and messed up does your sex life, let alone any other part of your life, have to be to make you want to do this crap to it?
ReplyThe penis implants and the surgery, the "permanent boner" thing-oh, for the love of all that is good and holy, just STOP, people. That s**t should not be allowed.
I am horribly squicked by Prince Alberts. That's just . . . No. Please no. The ladder is much more appealing to me, as it doesn't shove anything down the urethra.
ReplyOh puh-leeeeeze. Piercing isn't horrifying or mutilating, no more so than getting a tattoo or having any other body modifying procedure (including braces, hello) is horrifying or mutilating. 'Eeeew! It's diffrunt!' isn't humor; it's ignorance. And hell yes, I'm pierced. It looks FANTASTIC, too.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesNo you can't see it. Quit bugging me.
Aww, someone's craving attention, aren't they?
"Know what'd look good down there? 10-penny nail."
No, piercings aren't. But getting a 1/8 inch nail shoved through your dick sounds like a horror film I don't want to see.
First off, you're an attention starved tool. that being said.....
When tattoos or braces consist of creating a non-closing hole where previously there was none in your flesh, then, and only then, will your assertion of "Piercing isn't horrifying or mutilating" be correct. For good measure here, note that braces are not "body modification" (hello), they're corrective. So unless we want to count neck braces/halos, casts, orthopedic shoes, and, by a small stretch, eye glasses/contacts as body modifications, we'll just call that point "stupid" and move on.
As far as ignorance, no. I'm kinda turned off by visible shrapnel still lodged in healed wounds. Wanna know some other things that are too? Traveling by plane, entering a courthouse or any other secure environment, and last but not least, a lot of jobs.
If you want my respect from piercing, make it a 4 inch solid thick steel rod straight through your torso. Be a pioneer in sternum piercings...I'd compliment that daily. Barring that, (no pun intended), get some ink that clothing can cover, will never get caught on anything, and can't be forcibly ripped out (although, for the rip-er, it's wonderfully amusing). Plan for the long haul, not for the "OMGTHATLOOKSSOEDGYANDCOOL" haul. Your perforated elderly body will agree.
to the other replies.....I think that private piercing is lovely! It feels gooooood. not the act of piercing that hurts like a mutha, but being with someone pierced is a fun time and as a girl with a genital piercing, it makes things a lot more fun! Plus you don't set off alarms you idiot....
To Red.....Pleeeeeeeeese!
I know a guy who pierced his OWN penis at the foreskin. The first time he got hard after the piercing was put in, it ripped through the skin. It was NOT pretty.
ReplyI don't find ANY genital piercings attractive, because unless you're in bright light, they tend to look like little shiny bits of skin (y'know, cause they're REFLECTIVE, y'know, cause they're METAL and metal REFLECTS all that's around it, which in these cases, tends to be SKIN), and shiny lumps of skin just look like mini cysts to me...
Shuddering, now.
damn. i WAS thinking of that for a horror movie. scooped again!
ReplyHaving read halfway down through the comments, I have now resisted the urge to google search phalloplasty.
ReplySome penile piercings are really attractive, and they're generally safe if you go to someone qualified.
ReplyPlease tell us you are not male.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!!!! They dared me and I did it... holy mother of god that was so many weird looking penises I might just never have sex again.
ReplyThis article makes me understand why Tebow is celibate
ReplyBeing a s****y player might also have a lot to do with it.
I clicked the link for the Prince Albert. THAT was enough. I was just scared of the links after that.
ReplyI accepted the Cracked Challenge and wow. Just... wow.
ReplyI've heard that, depending on the area, penis piercings don't hurt any more than piercings elsewhere on the body. Depends on where you do it though. The underside of the penis isn't very sensitive, and that is the area both piercings mentioned in the article use...
Replythanks cracked. Now I gotta clear my browser history for the last hour because of your stupid dare.
ReplyWhat were you doing with the pictures for an hour ... :| ?
"Fluid movement is controlled by a pump, which is placed in the. The main advantage of the inflatable penile prosthesis..." Just where do they place the pump?
ReplyIn the stomach so you have to punch your man a few times to let him know you want sex.
Don't Google Image search phalloplasty or broken penile implant if you value your sanity. I fully expect to die tonight of a nightmare-induced heart attack.
ReplyAmen to that mate!