6 Horrifying Ways to Improve Your Sex Life

Size is not the only thing that matters in the mating game. As society has advanced men have found countless additional reasons to be dissatisfied with their junk, and someone has always been there to sell them products that will supposedly fix it.

So how far will men go to enhance their package? To awful, horrifying lengths.

Also known as Love Stone, Stone or Sweet Louisiana Frog Shit, this aphrodisiac can actually be purchased on the street from the same upstanding citizens that deal in meth, crack and other quality merchandise that you smuggle in your ass. Made from toad poison, the same ooze that will get you high from licking amphibians can also give you a raging hard-on if applied to the desired area, which is to say your crank.

Of course, the same hallucinogenic properties are present, meaning that things might start off awesome but soon degrade into an all too real nightmare of you putting the hump on a flame-spewing John Madden and not being able to understand why it's turning you on so much.

Why does it feel so right?!

If you manage to avoid a bad trip, you might still end the night in the hospital, or worse off, the morgue. The active ingredient in Stone is bufotenin, and ingesting it in anything more than microscopic amounts can result in violent stomach cramps, heart problems and eventually your undignified shuffling from this mortal coil, forever saddled with acute toad boner as a cause of death.

If the toad poison doesn't work for you, then there's another horribly ill-conceived source of hope: Spanish Fly. Don't get freaked out, it's not really a fly, that'd be gross. It's just a beetle. A blister beetle. A beetle that causes blisters.

And here it is fucking... something

This legendary aphrodisiac is nothing more than ground up bug bits. What's more, the active ingredient of the stuff, cantharidin, only exists in quantities of about five percent per beetle; meaning many of their tiny exoskeletons have to be crushed to a powder to make just one shimmering, bitter tasting dose. The likelihood that each hit of Spanish Fly contains at least as much tangy insect as your average meal at Taco Bell is fairly high.

If you are willing to ingest this creepy crawling cocktail, be prepared for the results. Spanish Fly is not so much an aphrodisiac as it is a toxin that will give you a horrifyingly itchy inflammation of the genital area and a rousing case of priaprism (a hard-on that just won't quit). And who amongst us hasn't thought a night of passion would be made all the more exhilarating by the addition of horrible crotch itch and a raging poison boner?

This guy tried it. He loves it.

The bigger issue with Spanish Fly is that its effect isn't limited to your penis. That same horrifying nightmare affecting your ballsack is affecting your whole body. And if you overdose then every inch of you will be stiff once they cart your bug-addled ass to the morgue.

Alright, so the chemical solutions don't seem all that great. Unfortunately, they only get worse from here...

You don't need to hear much beyond "penile traction device" to know it's bad news. If it sounds like it's going to be a tiny version of a medieval torture device for your dong, well, then they picked an accurate name.

The gadget is designed to be worn 12 hours a day, because you probably have that much free time to devote to yanking your dick all out of shape. The idea is that you're forcing the cells to split and rebuild under the stress of stretching. Which is something akin to claiming that bungee jumping with weights strapped on your ass will make you grow taller.

Once your wang is wedged into the contraption, a combination of cogs and springs apply a steady pressure to hold it taut, like your own one-stringed crotch guitar. Originally used to help men with curvatures and scar tissue resulting from traumatic injury or surgery, these gizmos are now available all over the Internet.

Injuries from overzealous application of traction do happen, and include bruising and vascular damage. You also have to figure out a way to wear one 12 hours a day without horrifying your coworkers and avoiding damage and bruising while figuring out how to sit with six-inches of metal in your pants.

If that sounds inconvenient, you could just try the "dangle large weights off the tip of your dong for 15-30 minutes a day" method.

What could possibly go wrong with that?