The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China 5 Slapstick Failures by Modern Military Commanders 5 Things I Learned as an Anonymous TSA Blogger

Cracked Round-Up: We Wore Pants For This One

That's right, for the first time in recent memory the Cracked Writing Staff actually made some effort to be properly clothed while working on this round-up. The police were poking around our offices to investigate some bogus coke-smuggling charges and we figured, hey, why not look nice?


Chris Bucholz kicked things off with a review of the new Dan Brown book. Our sources tell us the novel was "worse than being shat on by elephants." Seanbaby followed up with this stirring tribute to the late, great, Patrick Swayze. DOB rounded things out with a history textbook from the goddamn future.

PEACENIKS
5 Facts About Woodstock The Hippies Don't Want You to Know
That's right, everything groundbreaking and revolutionary and beautiful was at one point some greedy fat-cats ploy for cash.


Notable Comment: "I'm honestly surprised so few people die. I mean, combine hundreds of thousands of people, some pretty hard core drug use back when all this stuff was still pretty new, and no real safeguards or medical support? I figured the number was a lot higher but just not talked about. Woodstock was safer than I thought."

Random240, you can't OD on marijuana, PB&J sandwiches, and acid-laced orange juice.

AGONY
The 5 Most Maddeningly Unresolved TV Plotlines
Because sometimes writers just want to shrug their shoulders and go, "Fuck continuity!"


Notable Comment: "Also worth mentioning: The Star Trek TNG "puppet master" aliens that phoned home at the end of the episode but never appeared again."

Naw, Sanagi, those aliens just phoned home to tell their leaders not to fuck with Jean-Luc Picard.



APOCALYPSE
5 Popular Zombie Survival Tactics (That Will Get You Killed)
Let's face it; the instant the Internet goes down, most of us are going to be fucked.


Notable Comment: "Now that you've taken away our dreams, you have to replace them with new, sound escape plans. "

Idiom, most of us here at cracked are fans of the, "run around screaming whilst soiling ourselves repeatedly" method.

STAR FIGHTS
6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film
'Expanded Universe'? More like 'crapspanded universe'. Yeah, that's Lucas-quality writing right there.


Notable Comment:"Actually upon hearing the word wookiepedia, my lady parts were the only things to burst into flames. In a good way. "

Everything about FuckingInsomnia terrifies us.

PHONE HOME
The 10 Most Obnoxious Cell Phone Callers
This is why we prefer to use smoke signals and monosyllabic grunts to communicate in the office.


Notable Comment:col_p says; "what about the cell phone user who only uses their phone on speakerphone, regardless of where they are? "

WHAT'S THAT, DUDEMAN7? WE CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR SPEAKERPHONE.



BritANicK.com
Most Awkward Morning After Ever
Nice improv though.


YOU YOU YOU!
If Video Games Were Realistic
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Product Placement Was Everywhere.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

9.17.09:

They came to pray to God and kick ass. And they're all out of God.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Reservoir Gods
by librarianmike

9.16.09:

That is the second ugliest giant penis I have seen today.
by walterscarff

Editor's pick:

Tim Burton directs a Sex Ed video.
by Ronin22

9.15.09:

why so q***rious?
by mephitic

Editor's pick:

"Have you ever pole-danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
by -ChaseMitchell

8.14.09:

Dear God - they've weaponized Easter!
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

The Day the Earth Said "Whatever"
by 8.13.09:

I don't know what they're playing, but we're losing.
by seltuim

Editor's pick:

These boots are made for sodomy, and that's just what they'll do...
by racedogg22

8.12.09:

For about 10 dollars worth of ketchup, you can make car accidents far more unsettling.
by Shurimpu

Editor's pick:

He started the race late but he'll ketchup.
by Leaf

8.11.09:

Surfing, I said I wanted to go SURFING!!!
by Lerxst62

Editor's pick:

On their way to gang fight the carebears
by natebooze

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