#4. The Krasue
A repulsive and disturbing sight, the Krasue is the head of a beautiful woman and her disembodied entrails, and it moves by slithering along on its exposed intestines. Hell, that's a pretty good start, guys! Scary stuff. Now all you have to do is give it a frightening urge--murder, cannibalism, kidnapping; hell, even mere sexual assault by an intestine-footed gut-woman would be terrifying--and you're all set. You've a got a kickass monster.
Just as long as the thing wants to harm you in some way, and not just do something retarded like play charades or eat your poop, and you can't go wrong!
It totally wants to eat your poop.
The Krasue feeds by inserting a long, prehensile tongue into the anus, and while blood is on the menu these days, some older legends just gave the monster an appetite for fresh, steamy fudge straight from the source.
Maybe that was scary back in the day, but half of Japan's GDP is spent producing porn with that exact same premise. That's not vampirism, Krasue, that's just an embarrassing fetish.
#3. Polong & Pelesit
Malaysian folklore is pretty hardcore, all told. They have stuff like the Penanggalan: A flying head and entrails with great powers and a diet of unborn babies. The Aswang transformed into a demonic bird and sucked out people's intestines, while the Toyol was a tiny undead fetus with superhuman strength. The list goes on and on. Malaysian folklore is basically one big, wet dream penned by Clive Barker.
And then, there's the Polong. Employed by an evil wizard to strike his enemies with various curses, a Polong resembled a beautiful nude woman less than an inch in height, who lived inside a bottle, sang like a bird and needed only to suck a bit of blood from her master's fingertip each day. That's almost adorable, isn't it?
The only thing the Polong could do, if threatened, was summon the Pelesit: Another vampire that took the form of, we shit you not, a magical (and we'll also assume musical) cricket.
Jesus, did Disney steal all of its sidekicks from Malaysian horror?
Slightly less adorable than the Polong, the Pelesit's job was to take its jagged tail and saw open a hole in the offending master's body while he slept. Together, the Polong and Pelesit would enter the dastardly villain and drive him mad for the rest of his days; causing him to rant and rave endlessly about cats, presumably because Malaysian folklore is written via Mad-lib.
Another German monster-fail, the Blutsauger had most of the typical traits we associate with vampires: It used to be human, it preys on the living by night, it loathes the sun, it's covered completely in fur and it doesn't have a skeleton. Wait...
Blutsaugers were apparently extra-hairy, extra-floppy versions of Dracula, and we're not exactly sure how being built like a dead jellyfish helped them prey on the living. Aside from possessing all the terrifying hunting prowess of a wet ShamWow, there was another very good reason why the Blutsauger was said to be rare: While some vampires could create more of their kind with a simple bite, the Bathmat Bloodsucker could only convert new victims by convincing them to voluntarily eat dirt from its own grave.
C'mon, man! It tastes like strawberries!
That's not an effective means of propagation, but is easily the most surreal door-to-door sales pitch of all time: "Two scoops a morning, and you TOO can have all the power and charisma of a towel filled with anemic weasels! How much can I put you down for?"
#1. Vampire Pumpkins and Watermelons
A product of gypsy folklore (or perhaps just hilarious drunken Gypsy lies told to folklore historians) the belief in vampiric fruit was first recorded in the 1930s by ethnologist, Tatomir Vukanoviae. Tatomir explained that pumpkins and watermelons were the only fruit believed to have vampiric potential, and that they could transform into such monsters if kept for too long after harvesting and exposed to the full moon.
For your safety, one man dared to risk it all.
Vampire fruit was easy to identify, as it was said to roll around on its own accord, leak human blood and produce a sound described as "Brrl brrl brrl," which sounds less like the blood-curdling roar of a terrible monster, than it does like squirrels cuddling.
The vampire fruit, of course, still craved the blood of us mortals, but having gained no teeth or anything else of use in their transformation (despite that convincing Photoshop up there) the cumbersome foods were pretty much limited to rolling angrily into people and wobbling menacingly.
Also known as Kevin Smith-Fu.
You could break their curse by boiling them, scrubbing them with an old broom and finally lighting the broom on fire. Another, equally effective way to neutralize the danger, is to do absolutely nothing.
Jonathan Wojcik has a lot more to say about bugs, parasites and even weirder creatures on his own website, Bogleech.com.
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For more retarded monsters, check out The 5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History. Or discover what you're really scared of when cowering from zombie clowns, in The Real World Fears Behind 8 Popular Movie Monsters.
And swing by Cracked's Top Picks to see Gladstone do an impression of a Blutsauger with his eyebrows.
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