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#4.
The Krasue
A repulsive and disturbing sight, the Krasue is the head of a beautiful woman and her disembodied entrails, and it moves by slithering along on its exposed intestines. Hell, that's a pretty good start, guys! Scary stuff. Now all you have to do is give it a frightening urge--murder, cannibalism, kidnapping; hell, even mere sexual assault by an intestine-footed gut-woman would be terrifying--and you're all set. You've a got a kickass monster.
Just as long as the thing wants to harm you in some way, and not just do something retarded like play charades or eat your poop, and you can't go wrong! Oh wait... It totally wants to eat your poop.
The Krasue feeds by inserting a long, prehensile tongue into the anus, and while blood is on the menu these days, some older legends just gave the monster an appetite for fresh, steamy fudge straight from the source. Maybe that was scary back in the day, but half of Japan's GDP is spent producing porn with that exact same premise. That's not vampirism, Krasue, that's just an embarrassing fetish. #3.
Polong & Pelesit
Malaysian folklore is pretty hardcore, all told. They have stuff like the Penanggalan: A flying head and entrails with great powers and a diet of unborn babies. The Aswang transformed into a demonic bird and sucked out people's intestines, while the Toyol was a tiny undead fetus with superhuman strength. The list goes on and on. Malaysian folklore is basically one big, wet dream penned by Clive Barker.
And then, there's the Polong. Employed by an evil wizard to strike his enemies with various curses, a Polong resembled a beautiful nude woman less than an inch in height, who lived inside a bottle, sang like a bird and needed only to suck a bit of blood from her master's fingertip each day. That's almost adorable, isn't it? The only thing the Polong could do, if threatened, was summon the Pelesit: Another vampire that took the form of, we shit you not, a magical (and we'll also assume musical) cricket.
Slightly less adorable than the Polong, the Pelesit's job was to take its jagged tail and saw open a hole in the offending master's body while he slept. Together, the Polong and Pelesit would enter the dastardly villain and drive him mad for the rest of his days; causing him to rant and rave endlessly about cats, presumably because Malaysian folklore is written via Mad-lib. #2.
Blutsauger
Another German monster-fail, the Blutsauger had most of the typical traits we associate with vampires: It used to be human, it preys on the living by night, it loathes the sun, it's covered completely in fur and it doesn't have a skeleton. Wait... Seriously?
Blutsaugers were apparently extra-hairy, extra-floppy versions of Dracula, and we're not exactly sure how being built like a dead jellyfish helped them prey on the living. Aside from possessing all the terrifying hunting prowess of a wet ShamWow, there was another very good reason why the Blutsauger was said to be rare: While some vampires could create more of their kind with a simple bite, the Bathmat Bloodsucker could only convert new victims by convincing them to voluntarily eat dirt from its own grave.
That's not an effective means of propagation, but is easily the most surreal door-to-door sales pitch of all time: "Two scoops a morning, and you TOO can have all the power and charisma of a towel filled with anemic weasels! How much can I put you down for?" #1.
Vampire Pumpkins and Watermelons
A product of gypsy folklore (or perhaps just hilarious drunken Gypsy lies told to folklore historians) the belief in vampiric fruit was first recorded in the 1930s by ethnologist, Tatomir Vukanoviae. Tatomir explained that pumpkins and watermelons were the only fruit believed to have vampiric potential, and that they could transform into such monsters if kept for too long after harvesting and exposed to the full moon.
Vampire fruit was easy to identify, as it was said to roll around on its own accord, leak human blood and produce a sound described as "Brrl brrl brrl," which sounds less like the blood-curdling roar of a terrible monster, than it does like squirrels cuddling. The vampire fruit, of course, still craved the blood of us mortals, but having gained no teeth or anything else of use in their transformation (despite that convincing Photoshop up there) the cumbersome foods were pretty much limited to rolling angrily into people and wobbling menacingly.
You could break their curse by boiling them, scrubbing them with an old broom and finally lighting the broom on fire. Another, equally effective way to neutralize the danger, is to do absolutely nothing. Jonathan Wojcik has a lot more to say about bugs, parasites and even weirder creatures on his own website, Bogleech.com. Have an idea for an article? Think you're funny? Just go here and sign up. No experience necessary. For more retarded monsters, check out The 5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History. Or discover what you're really scared of when cowering from zombie clowns, in The Real World Fears Behind 8 Popular Movie Monsters. And swing by Cracked's Top Picks to see Gladstone do an impression of a Blutsauger with his eyebrows. Congratulations to My_Lady_Peace(again) and teo4all for guessing today's article premise. If you'd like to get a shout out in an article, follow us on Twitter to find out how. And don't forget to follow us on Facebook to get your daily Cracked fed straight to your brain. |
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I'm surprised that there was no mention of the Killer Tomatos in there. Seems to me the vampire pumpkins and watermelons could get one b***hin party together with tons of plant-boning, man-killing, blood-hungering madness. Besides that, the Malaysian horror genre seems be rather terrifying and makes me wonder why more people don't write screenplays about it---or have they and Hollywood doesn't like it?
Why is the Aswang not getting its own number in here. Sure, it's pretty terrifying initially, but consider: Not only does it sound like a slang term for anal sex, but, and this is a direct quote from Wiki: Throwing semen at aswang is also said to irritate them. Along with semen, phallic objects are supposed to make the aswang terrified. I'm sorry, but any vampire that can be beaten down by beating off is pretty s**te in my book.
the chihuahua in the alp section nearly killed me, as i was momentarily playing with my chihuahua.
The "aswang" is from Filipino mythology, not Malaysian. We also have a lot of pretty cool monsters/ghoulies as well. This list is quite interesting, though.
This vampire fails at scary, wins at hot though! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kI1RDBMT9s
Post this in your browzer, Mowzer: http://www.brainbooger.com/2/post/2009/09/twilight-part-6.html
Twilight Part 6 THE MOVIE!! For the ladies.
1st Comment! Woop! Mentioning the Caribbean Vampire was the only reason I joined Cracked! It used to scare me s**tless when I was younger. I used to live in the Caribbean (and have a Caribbean mother) and used to hear of the Loogaroo. It's based off West African vampire folk lore which features a Vampiric figure similar to the mosquito. Apparently you can ward off a loogaroo by leaving a bucket full of sand on your porch every night. Apparently the loogaroo once it sees sand (except on the beach) will have to count every single one. Then when day comes it will burst into flames. So it's like abortion essentially. Well from a Republican point of view at least.
1st Comment! Woop! Mentioning the Caribbean Vampire was the only reason I joined Cracked! It used to scare me s**tless when I was younger. I used to live in the Caribbean (and have a Caribbean mother) and used to hear of the Loogaroo. It's based off West African vampire folk lore which features a Vampiric figure similar to the mosquito. Apparently you can ward off a loogaroo by leaving a bucket full of sand on your porch every night. Apparently the loogaroo once it sees sand (except on the beach) will have to count every single one. Then when day comes it will burst into flames. So it's like abortion essentially. Well from a Republican point of view at least.
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"Tee hee! I want to suck blood from your tits!" Its as if Cracked reads my diary. Not that i have one cause u know i'm a man.
From what ive read about the ALP sucking blood from the tits. Which coming from a woman's point of view is both scary and creepy and it must hurt of course. Anyway I saw a scene in interview of the vampire (Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt), the scene where Louie was complaining about being a vampire and they were in new orleans with two women they picked up. Lestat suddenly bit her nipples, I could only tell because they were making out and after blood was gushing out of her chest. Anyway I'm just sharing, I'm a big fan of mythology and fantasy because its always interesting to read and watch.
Nope...I'm still in the 'Twilight vampires are the s**ttest creations ever vomited forth onto the page' camp. Not even an ass-rocket-propelled, turkey-winged, skinless vampire could be any more ridiculous than a sparkly vampire. Hell, even leeches are more menacing. The article was great, though :D
Good article, but I can't believe for number 5 you didn't mention that the French invented a creature that is afraid of frogs. Gotta work that in somehow. Sounds like something to scare away the English. Maybe a picture of Gérard Depardieu with the caption "No, not this frog"
Yeah, the name is just french for werewolf, but Louisiana folklore spoke of it sucking blood to turn other people into its own kind, so it adopted vampire-like traits when it came to America. I pointed this out originally but that part wasn't kept in the finished article. It's good to know that the frog-fear is kinda more widespread though. I'm very fond of the idea.
Though this is funny it's also inaccurate. In example, The Loup Garou (There's no s. You misspelt it) is directly translated to werewolf in French. It's not a vampire at all. And werewolves fearing frogs is an old and obscure idea. It's also used in German folklore and even hinted at in the film The Company of wolves. Another weird werewolf myth is that their urine is purple.
In the Talk for the Wikipedia article for no. 1, there was the following link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_tossing. Is Wikipedia turning into Uncyclopedia?
or just hire Gallagher
...Yep, Wikipedia's sources check out on vampire fruits. Tatomir existed and the text wiki quotes from him was published in the 70's, based on his personal research done in the 30's. It's the only known account of the legend, but he was also the only one studying the gypsy community from a serious anthropological standpoint first-hand.
Looks like Edward isn't the only vampire fruit!!! HI-YO
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