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True Blood, Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, Larry King - Vampires are everywhere these days. Actually, they've always been everywhere. It seems like every culture on Earth has some version of the vampire.

And, as sad as it is to see what has happened to the vampire recently, what with the sparkling and the screeching teenage fans, it turns out that other cultures have a huge head start in making vampires ridiculous.

Just take a look at...

The Loogaroo

Resembling a normal human woman by day, the Loogaroo only takes vampiric form at night. She does this by rubbing herself down with a special lotion, which is a totally hot set-up, and then slipping off her entire skin, which uh... quashes the sexiness just a bit.

It ain't like this.

She then performs a ritualistic dance that causes turkey wings to sprout out of her back, though this seems expressly designed to confuse, since what actually allows her to fly are the flames that shoot out of her armpits and ass.

Holy shit! Have they not made a movie about this?

This one's on us, Hollywood.

Leaving a neon trail of vampire farts, she rockets out through her roof and goes on the prowl for victims, which are usually infants and children. Apparently lacking even respectable fangs, the Loogaroo carries a comically oversized straw wherever she goes, and inserts it through the thatched walls of her victim's hut to drink blood from the sleeper's cheek. That's right: The Loogaroo subscribes to the Willy Wonka approach to horror.

Alp (Germany)

One of the most well-known bogeymen of German folklore is the Alp. Meaning simply "elf" in German, the Alp opts not to bake mediocre cookies or build toys in an arctic sweatshop, but rather prefers to attack women in their sleep. These attacks cause horrible nightmares, and are often accompanied by a sensation called "alpdruck" or "elf pressure," which is what we know now as sleep paralysis.

Sitting on its victim's chest, the tiny demon would feed by sucking blood from the breasts, probably because it was a Thinking Man's vampire. Hey, you've got to get blood from somewhere, might as well get to second base while you're at it.

"Tee hee! I want to suck blood from your tits!"

Alps were notorious for their "amazing" shape-shifting powers, and were supposedly able to turn invisible or take on the form of any animal. That sounds fairly handy actually, except for the fact that they could only use these powers while wearing their beloved magic hat, which legends explicitly state remains visible regardless of their form.

"She suspects nussing!"

The presence of a hat-wearing animal is the most surefire means of identifying an Alp in its magical disguise, which was first dutifully recorded by the vampire slayer, Captain Obvious, in his field guide to the supernatural: Shit It Took Me Way Too Long To Figure Out: Vol. 1.

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The Loups Garou

When the French came to Louisiana, they brought with them their version of the vampire-slash-werewolf, the Loup Garou. Not literally, mind you. There was no booming monster import business in the New World; they just passed along the folklore.

The French apparently don't get super specialized with their mythical monsters, because the Loup Garou, in addition to being a bloodsucking werewolf creature, also had some properties of a warlock. They kind of just threw it all in there. You could find them soaring the night sky on the backs of gigantic bats, or dropping down into chimneys to feed on sleeping victims like a Death Metal Santa Claus.

Like this, except with... no. No, exactly like this.

All told, they sound pretty terrifying... save for one crippling flaw: An extreme, uncontrollable fear of frogs. That's right, the surest defense against an attack by this monster was to present to it any small, croaking amphibian and the magical wolf-pire would flee in horror like a little girl.

"Now you vill succumb to myyaAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Admittedly, that's not much worse than the ridiculous aversion to garlic that other vampires possess (hint: Your monster kind of sucks when it can be defeated by flavor), but the key here is location: A fear of frogs might be relatively tough to exploit in say, the desert or the polar ice caps. But even with giant bat-flight at their disposal, the Loup Garou inexplicably continues to haunt the Louisiana bayou which, if poorly informed stereotypes are right, is home to literally nothing but frogs, bead necklaces and enthusiastic young sluts on Spring Break.

The Krasue

A repulsive and disturbing sight, the Krasue is the head of a beautiful woman and her disembodied entrails, and it moves by slithering along on its exposed intestines. Hell, that's a pretty good start, guys! Scary stuff. Now all you have to do is give it a frightening urge--murder, cannibalism, kidnapping; hell, even mere sexual assault by an intestine-footed gut-woman would be terrifying--and you're all set. You've a got a kickass monster.

Just as long as the thing wants to harm you in some way, and not just do something retarded like play charades or eat your poop, and you can't go wrong!

Oh wait...

It totally wants to eat your poop.

Pictured: Terror?

The Krasue feeds by inserting a long, prehensile tongue into the anus, and while blood is on the menu these days, some older legends just gave the monster an appetite for fresh, steamy fudge straight from the source.

Maybe that was scary back in the day, but half of Japan's GDP is spent producing porn with that exact same premise. That's not vampirism, Krasue, that's just an embarrassing fetish.

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Polong & Pelesit

Malaysian folklore is pretty hardcore, all told. They have stuff like the Penanggalan: A flying head and entrails with great powers and a diet of unborn babies. The Aswang transformed into a demonic bird and sucked out people's intestines, while the Toyol was a tiny undead fetus with superhuman strength. The list goes on and on. Malaysian folklore is basically one big, wet dream penned by Clive Barker.

And then, there's the Polong. Employed by an evil wizard to strike his enemies with various curses, a Polong resembled a beautiful nude woman less than an inch in height, who lived inside a bottle, sang like a bird and needed only to suck a bit of blood from her master's fingertip each day. That's almost adorable, isn't it?

The only thing the Polong could do, if threatened, was summon the Pelesit: Another vampire that took the form of, we shit you not, a magical (and we'll also assume musical) cricket.

Jesus, did Disney steal all of its sidekicks from Malaysian horror?

Slightly less adorable than the Polong, the Pelesit's job was to take its jagged tail and saw open a hole in the offending master's body while he slept. Together, the Polong and Pelesit would enter the dastardly villain and drive him mad for the rest of his days; causing him to rant and rave endlessly about cats, presumably because Malaysian folklore is written via Mad-lib.


Another German monster-fail, the Blutsauger had most of the typical traits we associate with vampires: It used to be human, it preys on the living by night, it loathes the sun, it's covered completely in fur and it doesn't have a skeleton. Wait...


Blutsaugers were apparently extra-hairy, extra-floppy versions of Dracula, and we're not exactly sure how being built like a dead jellyfish helped them prey on the living. Aside from possessing all the terrifying hunting prowess of a wet ShamWow, there was another very good reason why the Blutsauger was said to be rare: While some vampires could create more of their kind with a simple bite, the Bathmat Bloodsucker could only convert new victims by convincing them to voluntarily eat dirt from its own grave.

C'mon, man! It tastes like strawberries!

That's not an effective means of propagation, but is easily the most surreal door-to-door sales pitch of all time: "Two scoops a morning, and you TOO can have all the power and charisma of a towel filled with anemic weasels! How much can I put you down for?"

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Vampire Pumpkins and Watermelons

Yes, you read that right.

A product of gypsy folklore (or perhaps just hilarious drunken Gypsy lies told to folklore historians) the belief in vampiric fruit was first recorded in the 1930s by ethnologist, Tatomir Vukanoviae. Tatomir explained that pumpkins and watermelons were the only fruit believed to have vampiric potential, and that they could transform into such monsters if kept for too long after harvesting and exposed to the full moon.

For your safety, one man dared to risk it all.

Vampire fruit was easy to identify, as it was said to roll around on its own accord, leak human blood and produce a sound described as "Brrl brrl brrl," which sounds less like the blood-curdling roar of a terrible monster, than it does like squirrels cuddling.

The vampire fruit, of course, still craved the blood of us mortals, but having gained no teeth or anything else of use in their transformation (despite that convincing Photoshop up there) the cumbersome foods were pretty much limited to rolling angrily into people and wobbling menacingly.

Also known as Kevin Smith-Fu.

You could break their curse by boiling them, scrubbing them with an old broom and finally lighting the broom on fire. Another, equally effective way to neutralize the danger, is to do absolutely nothing.

Jonathan Wojcik has a lot more to say about bugs, parasites and even weirder creatures on his own website, Bogleech.com.

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For more retarded monsters, check out The 5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History. Or discover what you're really scared of when cowering from zombie clowns, in The Real World Fears Behind 8 Popular Movie Monsters.

And swing by Cracked's Top Picks to see Gladstone do an impression of a Blutsauger with his eyebrows.

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