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7 Vampires Around the World Worse Than The Ones In Twilight

True Blood, Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, Larry King - Vampires are everywhere these days. Actually, they've always been everywhere. It seems like every culture on Earth has some version of the vampire.

And, as sad as it is to see what has happened to the vampire recently, what with the sparkling and the screeching teenage fans, it turns out that other cultures have a huge head start in making vampires ridiculous.

Just take a look at...

#7.
The Loogaroo

Resembling a normal human woman by day, the Loogaroo only takes vampiric form at night. She does this by rubbing herself down with a special lotion, which is a totally hot set-up, and then slipping off her entire skin, which uh... quashes the sexiness just a bit.


It ain't like this.

She then performs a ritualistic dance that causes turkey wings to sprout out of her back, though this seems expressly designed to confuse, since what actually allows her to fly are the flames that shoot out of her armpits and ass.

Holy shit! Have they not made a movie about this?


This one's on us, Hollywood.

Leaving a neon trail of vampire farts, she rockets out through her roof and goes on the prowl for victims, which are usually infants and children. Apparently lacking even respectable fangs, the Loogaroo carries a comically oversized straw wherever she goes, and inserts it through the thatched walls of her victim's hut to drink blood from the sleeper's cheek. That's right: The Loogaroo subscribes to the Willy Wonka approach to horror.

#6.
Alp (Germany)

One of the most well-known bogeymen of German folklore is the Alp. Meaning simply "elf" in German, the Alp opts not to bake mediocre cookies or build toys in an arctic sweatshop, but rather prefers to attack women in their sleep. These attacks cause horrible nightmares, and are often accompanied by a sensation called "alpdruck" or "elf pressure," which is what we know now as sleep paralysis.

Sitting on its victim's chest, the tiny demon would feed by sucking blood from the breasts, probably because it was a Thinking Man's vampire. Hey, you've got to get blood from somewhere, might as well get to second base while you're at it.


"Tee hee! I want to suck blood from your tits!"

Alps were notorious for their "amazing" shape-shifting powers, and were supposedly able to turn invisible or take on the form of any animal. That sounds fairly handy actually, except for the fact that they could only use these powers while wearing their beloved magic hat, which legends explicitly state remains visible regardless of their form.


"She suspects nussing!"

The presence of a hat-wearing animal is the most surefire means of identifying an Alp in its magical disguise, which was first dutifully recorded by the vampire slayer, Captain Obvious, in his field guide to the supernatural: Shit It Took Me Way Too Long To Figure Out: Vol. 1.

#5.
The Loups Garou

When the French came to Louisiana, they brought with them their version of the vampire-slash-werewolf, the Loup Garou. Not literally, mind you. There was no booming monster import business in the New World; they just passed along the folklore.

The French apparently don't get super specialized with their mythical monsters, because the Loup Garou, in addition to being a bloodsucking werewolf creature, also had some properties of a warlock. They kind of just threw it all in there. You could find them soaring the night sky on the backs of gigantic bats, or dropping down into chimneys to feed on sleeping victims like a Death Metal Santa Claus.


Like this, except with... no. No, exactly like this.

All told, they sound pretty terrifying... save for one crippling flaw: An extreme, uncontrollable fear of frogs. That's right, the surest defense against an attack by this monster was to present to it any small, croaking amphibian and the magical wolf-pire would flee in horror like a little girl.


"Now you vill succumb to myyaAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Admittedly, that's not much worse than the ridiculous aversion to garlic that other vampires possess (hint: Your monster kind of sucks when it can be defeated by flavor), but the key here is location: A fear of frogs might be relatively tough to exploit in say, the desert or the polar ice caps. But even with giant bat-flight at their disposal, the Loup Garou inexplicably continues to haunt the Louisiana bayou which, if poorly informed stereotypes are right, is home to literally nothing but frogs, bead necklaces and enthusiastic young sluts on Spring Break.

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