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True Blood, Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, Larry King - Vampires are everywhere these days. Actually, they've always been everywhere. It seems like every culture on Earth has some version of the vampire.
And, as sad as it is to see what has happened to the vampire recently, what with the sparkling and the screeching teenage fans, it turns out that other cultures have a huge head start in making vampires ridiculous. Just take a look at... #7.
The Loogaroo
Resembling a normal human woman by day, the Loogaroo only takes vampiric form at night. She does this by rubbing herself down with a special lotion, which is a totally hot set-up, and then slipping off her entire skin, which uh... quashes the sexiness just a bit.
She then performs a ritualistic dance that causes turkey wings to sprout out of her back, though this seems expressly designed to confuse, since what actually allows her to fly are the flames that shoot out of her armpits and ass. Holy shit! Have they not made a movie about this?
Leaving a neon trail of vampire farts, she rockets out through her roof and goes on the prowl for victims, which are usually infants and children. Apparently lacking even respectable fangs, the Loogaroo carries a comically oversized straw wherever she goes, and inserts it through the thatched walls of her victim's hut to drink blood from the sleeper's cheek. That's right: The Loogaroo subscribes to the Willy Wonka approach to horror. #6.
Alp (Germany)
One of the most well-known bogeymen of German folklore is the Alp. Meaning simply "elf" in German, the Alp opts not to bake mediocre cookies or build toys in an arctic sweatshop, but rather prefers to attack women in their sleep. These attacks cause horrible nightmares, and are often accompanied by a sensation called "alpdruck" or "elf pressure," which is what we know now as sleep paralysis. Sitting on its victim's chest, the tiny demon would feed by sucking blood from the breasts, probably because it was a Thinking Man's vampire. Hey, you've got to get blood from somewhere, might as well get to second base while you're at it.
Alps were notorious for their "amazing" shape-shifting powers, and were supposedly able to turn invisible or take on the form of any animal. That sounds fairly handy actually, except for the fact that they could only use these powers while wearing their beloved magic hat, which legends explicitly state remains visible regardless of their form.
The presence of a hat-wearing animal is the most surefire means of identifying an Alp in its magical disguise, which was first dutifully recorded by the vampire slayer, Captain Obvious, in his field guide to the supernatural: Shit It Took Me Way Too Long To Figure Out: Vol. 1. #5.
The Loups Garou
When the French came to Louisiana, they brought with them their version of the vampire-slash-werewolf, the Loup Garou. Not literally, mind you. There was no booming monster import business in the New World; they just passed along the folklore. The French apparently don't get super specialized with their mythical monsters, because the Loup Garou, in addition to being a bloodsucking werewolf creature, also had some properties of a warlock. They kind of just threw it all in there. You could find them soaring the night sky on the backs of gigantic bats, or dropping down into chimneys to feed on sleeping victims like a Death Metal Santa Claus.
All told, they sound pretty terrifying... save for one crippling flaw: An extreme, uncontrollable fear of frogs. That's right, the surest defense against an attack by this monster was to present to it any small, croaking amphibian and the magical wolf-pire would flee in horror like a little girl.
Admittedly, that's not much worse than the ridiculous aversion to garlic that other vampires possess (hint: Your monster kind of sucks when it can be defeated by flavor), but the key here is location: A fear of frogs might be relatively tough to exploit in say, the desert or the polar ice caps. But even with giant bat-flight at their disposal, the Loup Garou inexplicably continues to haunt the Louisiana bayou which, if poorly informed stereotypes are right, is home to literally nothing but frogs, bead necklaces and enthusiastic young sluts on Spring Break. |
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I'm surprised that there was no mention of the Killer Tomatos in there. Seems to me the vampire pumpkins and watermelons could get one b***hin party together with tons of plant-boning, man-killing, blood-hungering madness. Besides that, the Malaysian horror genre seems be rather terrifying and makes me wonder why more people don't write screenplays about it---or have they and Hollywood doesn't like it?
Why is the Aswang not getting its own number in here. Sure, it's pretty terrifying initially, but consider: Not only does it sound like a slang term for anal sex, but, and this is a direct quote from Wiki: Throwing semen at aswang is also said to irritate them. Along with semen, phallic objects are supposed to make the aswang terrified. I'm sorry, but any vampire that can be beaten down by beating off is pretty s**te in my book.
the chihuahua in the alp section nearly killed me, as i was momentarily playing with my chihuahua.
The "aswang" is from Filipino mythology, not Malaysian. We also have a lot of pretty cool monsters/ghoulies as well. This list is quite interesting, though.
This vampire fails at scary, wins at hot though! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kI1RDBMT9s
Post this in your browzer, Mowzer: http://www.brainbooger.com/2/post/2009/09/twilight-part-6.html
Twilight Part 6 THE MOVIE!! For the ladies.
1st Comment! Woop! Mentioning the Caribbean Vampire was the only reason I joined Cracked! It used to scare me s**tless when I was younger. I used to live in the Caribbean (and have a Caribbean mother) and used to hear of the Loogaroo. It's based off West African vampire folk lore which features a Vampiric figure similar to the mosquito. Apparently you can ward off a loogaroo by leaving a bucket full of sand on your porch every night. Apparently the loogaroo once it sees sand (except on the beach) will have to count every single one. Then when day comes it will burst into flames. So it's like abortion essentially. Well from a Republican point of view at least.
1st Comment! Woop! Mentioning the Caribbean Vampire was the only reason I joined Cracked! It used to scare me s**tless when I was younger. I used to live in the Caribbean (and have a Caribbean mother) and used to hear of the Loogaroo. It's based off West African vampire folk lore which features a Vampiric figure similar to the mosquito. Apparently you can ward off a loogaroo by leaving a bucket full of sand on your porch every night. Apparently the loogaroo once it sees sand (except on the beach) will have to count every single one. Then when day comes it will burst into flames. So it's like abortion essentially. Well from a Republican point of view at least.
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"Tee hee! I want to suck blood from your tits!" Its as if Cracked reads my diary. Not that i have one cause u know i'm a man.
From what ive read about the ALP sucking blood from the tits. Which coming from a woman's point of view is both scary and creepy and it must hurt of course. Anyway I saw a scene in interview of the vampire (Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt), the scene where Louie was complaining about being a vampire and they were in new orleans with two women they picked up. Lestat suddenly bit her nipples, I could only tell because they were making out and after blood was gushing out of her chest. Anyway I'm just sharing, I'm a big fan of mythology and fantasy because its always interesting to read and watch.
Nope...I'm still in the 'Twilight vampires are the s**ttest creations ever vomited forth onto the page' camp. Not even an ass-rocket-propelled, turkey-winged, skinless vampire could be any more ridiculous than a sparkly vampire. Hell, even leeches are more menacing. The article was great, though :D
Good article, but I can't believe for number 5 you didn't mention that the French invented a creature that is afraid of frogs. Gotta work that in somehow. Sounds like something to scare away the English. Maybe a picture of Gérard Depardieu with the caption "No, not this frog"
Yeah, the name is just french for werewolf, but Louisiana folklore spoke of it sucking blood to turn other people into its own kind, so it adopted vampire-like traits when it came to America. I pointed this out originally but that part wasn't kept in the finished article. It's good to know that the frog-fear is kinda more widespread though. I'm very fond of the idea.
Though this is funny it's also inaccurate. In example, The Loup Garou (There's no s. You misspelt it) is directly translated to werewolf in French. It's not a vampire at all. And werewolves fearing frogs is an old and obscure idea. It's also used in German folklore and even hinted at in the film The Company of wolves. Another weird werewolf myth is that their urine is purple.
In the Talk for the Wikipedia article for no. 1, there was the following link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fox_tossing. Is Wikipedia turning into Uncyclopedia?
or just hire Gallagher
...Yep, Wikipedia's sources check out on vampire fruits. Tatomir existed and the text wiki quotes from him was published in the 70's, based on his personal research done in the 30's. It's the only known account of the legend, but he was also the only one studying the gypsy community from a serious anthropological standpoint first-hand.
Looks like Edward isn't the only vampire fruit!!! HI-YO
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