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Everybody has a zombie contingency plan. A unique and ingenious stratagem they've spent hours contemplating that ensures they and their loved ones will stay alive in the event of a zombie apocalypse. The only problem? You've got the exact same essential plan as everybody else: go raid the gun store, get out of the cities as fast as possible, find a sturdy base to fortify and hole up in, use a melee weapon whenever possible to conserve ammo and--if the worst does come to pass and you find yourself facing down a crowd of the undead--take your time, aim carefully and make every shot a head shot. Jesus, you're not going to last five minutes. Here's why: #5.
Raiding the Gun Store
First things first: You need a firearm. The time for "common sense gun control" went out the window the second grandpa came back from the afterlife to make a sandwich out of your face. No matter what your political stance was before the uprising, you fucking love the Second Amendment now. You want the biggest, shiniest, loudest monstrosity possible. If there's a gun that shoots a thousand bullets a second; that's great. If there's one that shoots a thousand flaming bullets a second; even better! If there's a gun that shoots out other guns that all fire thousands of flaming bullets in mere seconds--like some sort of pyramid scheme comprised entirely of shredding death infernos--well, that would be just dandy. But even if you already have the god-king of firearms at your disposal, you're still not ready. You need to arm everybody in your group, you need spares just in case and you need ammo. In short, you need to get to the gun store. The only problem being: So does everybody else. The closest gun shop to your house is also the closest gun shop to a thousand other people's houses, and at least a few dozen of them are going to get there before you. Assuming that the place isn't clean out--probably because the shop is either locked down like a fortress, or because the owners are barricaded inside and would rather like to keep their livelihood and defensive measures, thanks--you still need to get your arsenal. See, owners of gun stores tend to like guns, and people that like guns not only generally want to keep them, but are also quite capable of using them.
Now you and a thousand other people are on the outside of a suburban fortress, hurling "pretty pleases" at a half-insane, heavily-armed, trained marksmen inside. Not only are you probably not coming away from the gun store with a shiny new weapon; you'd be lucky to get out of there without an impromptu sunroof installed in your skull. #4.
Get Out of Town
A major city is the absolute worst place to be in the event of a zombie uprising. The population density alone spells trouble, so the farther you can get away from civilization, the better. At the very first sign of trouble, you need to get right the hell out of there. In fact, everybody does. And what happens when everybody in a city needs to get somewhere at the same time? Like, say, during rush hour? That's right: deadlock. It's just that this time, there's a bit more emphasis on the "dead."
Blindly following your knee-jerk flee response has dropped you straight in the middle of Super-Rush-Hour, a hellish place where you sit futilely trapped in a confined space, surrounded by people who may or may not already be infected, but are certainly standing around looking delicious to the zombie hordes. You just wanted to get out as quickly as possible, but now look at you: Stuck in an unmoving meat-line with a thousand other morsels and the only thing your car is doing is keeping the freshness in until the ravenous human can-openers get there. #3.
Fortify Your Base
Shelter, along with food and water, is one of the three main essentials absolutely necessary to human life. Just because there's no more room in Hell for the dead, that doesn't mean you no longer need a roof keeping your head dry. So you'd better get busy either finding or building yourself no less than an impenetrable fortress, and stay there until this thing blows over, right? Not so much. Putting yourself in a siege situation only works if there's the possibility that the invading force will stop. But you're not dealing with people here. Holding out against an army of people works because people can be reasoned with, they might have to leave to get supplies, or perhaps they'll just weigh the pros and cons of the situation and leave. Not like zombies.
Zombies don't get bored or impatient, they need nothing to keep them alive (because they're, you know, not) and they're not really known for their logistic prowess: No cons will be weighed here. Food is a pro. You are food. You are there. So there are only pros here. They will wait for you forever. But you will run out of supplies eventually, and every day you stay put in your nigh-invulnerable bunker is another day zombies pile up outside. Zombies aren't a threat because they thin out gradually over time - they're a threat because they fucking multiply. Zombies beget zombies beget zombies, and they do their best begetting while scrabbling incessantly at your door for months on end because they can hear you crying inside. All "holing up" in a stationary location does is make the zombies want it more. It makes them savor you. #2.
Conserve Ammo: Use Melee Weapons When Possible
The zombie apocalypse is a rough and tumble place, and most of us manage to rack up ER-worthy papercuts even at our current passive office jobs. In short: You're going to have open wounds, and exploding heads tends to be a bloody affair. So if all body fluids infect, blood included, then bites are the least of your worries. Consider this: For the sake of argument, let's pretend you don't spend your free time reading about zombies on the Internet and are, instead, a human being at peak physical condition. Now, go outside and find the nearest, smallest wild animal. Good? OK, now dive-tackle that son of a bitch and try to take a bite out of it. How did you fare? Did you manage to get even a lick out of that squirrel
If yes, then holy shit! You really did that? That was just a hypothetical scenario. You're crazy as hell. Don't waste your time here, man. The zombie apocalypse is the least of your worries. The Devil is probably possessing your scrotum right now; you've got bigger fish to fry. But if you didn't manage to get a taste of that woodland critter, well, that illustrates the point nicely: Grabbing an unwilling victim with your bare hands and taking a bite isn't easy. Things want to live, and they tend to move around a lot when you attempt to eat them, just like you will when grasped by a zombie. Just avoiding bites is not the problem. However, showering an attacker with your head-juice when it is bashing in your skull with a cricket bat is quite a different matter. That's a fucking cakewalk. Bashing in a head at close range means you're going to get blood everywhere; if you had so much as a scrape, now you're a zombie. It's much better to use up a bit of your ammo supply, rather than risk taking a crimson shower in skull leavings from the infectious undead. #1.
Always Aim for the Head
Everybody knows that the only surefire way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain, and we've already established that you want to be as far away as possible when you do that, so at some point in time you're going to be shooting zombies in the head. That's actually one of the only good things about a zombie apocalypse; headshots are awesome! But think about that for a second: Headshots are impressive in movies and video games because they're the hardest of all possible shots. Taking your time and waiting for the right moment is all well and good if you're picking off roamers for a disturbing afternoon's entertainment on a leisurely Sunday picnic, but if shit goes down and you're faced with a crowd of zombies (they do tend to crowd, you see, quite rude like that) your last concern should be surefire kills, it should be getting the fuck out of there, finding a safe corner to sob in, and then finding a change of pants (in that order).
Yes, headshots are the only way to kill the undead, but not the only way to stop them. A broken leg isn't just a figure of speech; it's a fucking leg that is broken. As in, it doesn't work anymore. Regardless of the level of pain you are capable of registering, a shattered femur or severed spine renders anything essentially immobile. So quickly spraying waist-level fire into an approaching onslaught is a far better idea than lining up headshots for bonus points. Plus, you've got to think: If there's even the slightest tinge of humanity left in these shambling monsters, a nutshot is still going to at least wind the male ones. There's a limit to what death can take away; ball-sensitivity might still be in play. Have an idea for an article? Think you're funny? Just go here and sign up. No experience necessary. And check out Swaim's break down of who you'll meet during the zombie apocalypse, in Familiar Faces: A Who's Who of the Zombie Apocalypse. Or read up on some movies that would've been better with zombies in them, in How Iconic Movie Characters Would Deal with a Zombie Attack. Or check out our classic: 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen And stop by our Top Picks to see some friggin' zombies. Don't forget to follow us on Twitter to get previews of upcoming articles and trick your friends into thinking you're psychic. |
O, I forgot to mention- ZDay is 2012. just thought id warn you, goodluck f**kfaces
Ok ive spent endless hours talking zombies and figuring out our finely tuned zombie contingency plan with my buddies. We have chosen to go with Max Brooks Zombies because its the only one that makes sense. Zombies cant climb or run. Animals and insects are immune and wont eat necrotic flesh anyway not even the vultures. Zombies cant swim but can walk underwater. Boats have to dock sometime so are not a good idea. Zombies cant starve and will decompose 5-10 years depending on climate. Zombies retain human strenght but muscles do deteriorate over time with use. How do we have this much time and to sit around for hours everyday and talk about random dumbs**t?? Because we are combat soldiers in the army and got nothing else to do, your tax dollars at work- thanks for the pay guys. since im a soldier im going to have to inform you that a military base is not a good place to go for protection or weapons. Any douchebag with an I.D. can get on post, and the only thing that surrounds the base is a chain link fence, not too hard to be pushed over by a group of zombies. plus most of our weapons are stored in arms rooms which are concrete and metal. even if you could break throught the wall of the arms room you would have to wait hours for my armorer to sign out your weapon for you haha. We are going with an island defense option, and dont even try to come pirate us because we at least know how to shoot fight and live outside- so f**k you johnny depp ha
I'm thinking a good idea would be to go to a wholesale store of some sort and just camp out with a few people up high on a shelf (assuming you could find a good place like in the movie Employee of the Month) and take turns sleeping, eating the velveeta that is stored on that shelf, and knocking down zombies that may be climbing up to you.
Zombie haiku contest, post your entries at http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-23718-Tulsa-Zombie-Examiner~y2009m10d1-Zombie-haiku-contest. Thanks all, any input is welcome
Hey, mankabus, perhaps you should finish reading the original sentence instead of posting and reposting just the first half of it, because the second half kinda invalidates your whole point.
Zombies dont eat brains. They just eat, and kill, and eat, and kill. They are not going specifically for the brains, they might eat them. But they just want to eat. They arent hungry, its just a reflex. Dead meat, lets eat it.
What i don't get is that when a zombie gets you, it eats your brain. Yet to kill a zombie you shoot it in the head, apparently to destroy the brain. At what point have the zombies gone "You know what, lets just bite a bunch of these p***ks and not eat their brains so we have a bigger hoard trying to get brains."
Well, as far as 2 goes, it all depends on what type of zombies you're dealing with. For instance, the Max Brooks zombies (aka The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z) are safe because all of their bodily fluids have congealed into thick black goop that takes much more than attacks from melee weapons to spray or splatter.
Zombies aren't a threat because they thin out gradually over time ....So actually, how much time is that?
I got a question. If for example Kimbo Slice became a zombie, would he have the same strength he has now as a human, as a zombie? I mean, his muscles would be "dead" so by this rational, his muscles are dead too. You guys see where I'm going with this?
Zombies aren't a threat because they thin out gradually over time ....So actually, how much time is that?
Holding up is actually a good tactic, because zombies DO die of starvation. Who lasts longer, someone constantly clawing at a door with no food supplements or hydration NOR energy derivation for about a week, or a guy chilling out in his hideout getting sleep, water, and rations? Exactly. I would only have to preserve my ammo for any hostile survivors or a particularly grim zombie related situation.
I think that you'd be safest at sea. Zombies can't swim s**t, lots of food around. True, water may pose a problem but you can always harvest rain-water or condensate seawater. The main problem would be getting into open sea, though. And you'd have to eventually look for an island or some place to stay in. Also, zombies are dead, but eventually they'll rot. It may take years, but the apocalypse would eventually end.
@ Crinkled: Read the "Zombie Survival Guide" by Max Brooks. You can even find it in Barnes & Noble, like I di-- And I see in the time it took me to type out that response and remember to log in, jjduncz beat me to it. Dammit. But hey, they're gonna make a movie about World War Z, and I'm totally psyched for that. And you should be too. (Also, the audio book of World War Z is great. Has lots of big names in there, and they all do a great job in the voice acting. Great stuff for a long road trip!) Also, to Brockway, the squirrel screaming rape nearly made me fall out of my chair with laughter. Good find in that picture.
The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead & World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War = the bible. Study those and you're set.
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buy rifle before hand check go to town armory national guard whateve or find a dman suv or truck simple as that to get out adfter that us goverment carries out contantment protoclas ie tacticl nuclaer launch
oh and I'm pretty sure the military will be too busy trying to contain the problem amongst their own ranks first. even if they manage to control themselves first I'll bet there won't be many left to travel far too help too many people.
well this is my first how to survive a zombie attack thing I have ever read. But I can't say I haven't thought about it. Like the nights I lay down to sleep after watching these kinds of movies. interesting that in "most" movies all life forms other then humans have already died. now one question I have is, if the virus type does happen and the infected creatures are not afraid of light as in the movie legend. If a mosquito, becomes a carrier how much planning do you think you'll need to prevent from being bitten by a mosquito or fly or some other insect that becomes very aggressive like the infected human creatures do. which in turn bites you and maybe you do and maybe you don't become infected. but if a horde of flys or locusts or ants, decide to take you, do you think you'll make it?
Why is no one mentioning the military? Has everyone forgotten the massive firepower the military possesses? I would find a military base if anything, because hordes of zombies will have no chance against masses of well-trained soldiers, bombers, and tanks. The military would correct the situation pretty quickly. They'd probably form death squads that would go around hunting zombies until the threat is over. It's not reasonable to think that the zombies would work together and fight back en masse anyway. These death squads would obliterate the zombies in a short time. I'd be much more worried about being an accidental casualty from the military than I would being bitten by a zombie.
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