Ever since Zack Morris invented the cell phone many semesters ago, a growing number of imbeciles have been concocting new ways to irritate the ever-living shit out of us by using it improperly. You'd prefer to ignore these callers, but instead you are forced to deal with them on a regular basis.
Inventor of the cellular telephone.
Will they ever learn? Well, we sure as shit don't think so.
10The Cryptic Messenger
The Cryptic Messenger perpetually leaves the same mysterious message regardless of whom they are calling or the purpose of their call:
"Hi, this is Melvin. Call me back."
If you're lucky enough to have been selected to do them a favor, they'll occasionally offer this variation:
"Hi, this is Melvin. I had a question I wanted to ask you... call me back."
They leave the voicemail equivalent of a Monopoly Chance card, except it's always something shitty and self-serving.
Why They Do This:
This repulsively self-centered person has very little respect for you. To them, you have nothing better to do than solve the great puzzle of why a magnificent person such as them called you. They believe that the only way people will return their calls is if they arouse their curiosity. In most cases, they know that people will have no interest in what they are calling about, so they dare not actually reveal it via voicemail, which paradoxically negates the purpose of their call.
"Even if I explained it, you wouldn't understand."
Their goal is to disable your ability to judge the call itself on its merits, and instead put you in the awkward position of rejecting them where there is at least some chance you'll cave and do their bidding. The Cryptic Messenger not only has the audacity to leave vague messages with selfish purposes, but also has the nerve to interrogate you later if you don't get back to them. Amazingly though, they'll still leave the same enigmatic message for the remaining one percent of their calls where they're not asking you for something.
They are calling about something arguably illegal.
What They'll Never Understand:
If they cannot bother to tell you why they called, you cannot be bothered to think it was important. As people slowly catch on, the Cryptic Messenger's calls stop getting returned. This utterly baffles them.