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Ever since Zack Morris invented the cell phone many semesters ago, a growing number of imbeciles have been concocting new ways to irritate the ever-living shit out of us by using it improperly. You'd prefer to ignore these callers, but instead you are forced to deal with them on a regular basis.
Will they ever learn? Well, we sure as shit don't think so. #10.
The Cryptic Messenger
The Cryptic Messenger perpetually leaves the same mysterious message regardless of whom they are calling or the purpose of their call: "Hi, this is Melvin. Call me back." If you're lucky enough to have been selected to do them a favor, they'll occasionally offer this variation: "Hi, this is Melvin. I had a question I wanted to ask you... call me back." They leave the voicemail equivalent of a Monopoly Chance card, except it's always something shitty and self-serving.
Why They Do This: This repulsively self-centered person has very little respect for you. To them, you have nothing better to do than solve the great puzzle of why a magnificent person such as them called you. They believe that the only way people will return their calls is if they arouse their curiosity. In most cases, they know that people will have no interest in what they are calling about, so they dare not actually reveal it via voicemail, which paradoxically negates the purpose of their call.
Their goal is to disable your ability to judge the call itself on its merits, and instead put you in the awkward position of rejecting them where there is at least some chance you'll cave and do their bidding. The Cryptic Messenger not only has the audacity to leave vague messages with selfish purposes, but also has the nerve to interrogate you later if you don't get back to them. Amazingly though, they'll still leave the same enigmatic message for the remaining one percent of their calls where they're not asking you for something. Alternate Explanation: They are calling about something arguably illegal. What They'll Never Understand: If they cannot bother to tell you why they called, you cannot be bothered to think it was important. As people slowly catch on, the Cryptic Messenger's calls stop getting returned. This utterly baffles them. #9.
Voicemail Allergies Guy
Slightly more aggravating than the Cryptic Messenger guy is the Voicemail Allergies Guy, whose desire to stay "off the grid" is so strong that he can't risk leaving a record of his voice behind, even in situations that absolutely require it. They will eternally frustrate you because your ability to communicate with them rests solely on the impossible expectation that you answer all of their outgoing calls.
These guys are worse than Cryptic Messenger Guy because they have a one-two punch of pissing you off built into their system. The first hit comes when they complain about you not answering your phone and the second comes when they smugly brag about the unforgettable concert (or party, or stripper or wild animal showdown), you missed, which is your fault, because hey, they "tried" to call you. Won't you ever learn to drop everything and answer the phone every time they call? Why They Do This: Back in the day when answering machines were as universal as Chia Pets and leg warmers, some people were reluctant to leave private messages because they didn't want them overheard by the squatters in your basement. That might have been a clever strategy 30 years ago, but today it no longer applies since squatters don't have access to your voicemail. Today's Voicemail Allergies Guy is just a clueless asshole who scolds everyone for not answering the phone instead of pursuing the more logical route of leaving messages.
Alternate Explanation: They are calling about something very illegal. What They'll Never Understand: When deciding who to call back, people organize their priorities based on messages. If you say, "Hey, my house is on fire, call me back with plans tonight," your call will more than likely land high on the priorities list. If you don't say anything, the person you called will assume you had nothing important to say and move on to whatever other call they didn't answer. More people would get back to you if you ever conveyed any call-back-worthy information. Hell, people might even start taking your calls from time to time. #8.
The Overcaller
You can forget about ever having 45 minutes to yourself these days, because the Overcaller is going to rain a torrent of calls upon you for the better part of the afternoon. Overcallers have taken the concept of "redial" beyond several levels, and those several levels were: "annoy," "pester," "badger," "harass," "torment" and "torture." Sometimes they'll leave messages, and on other calls they won't, but either way it won't matter.
When you finally attempt to check your five new messages to discover what could possibly be so urgent, the Overcaller will interrupt you by calling yet again on the other line. After switching over you will be subjected to a familiar DEFCON 1 apeshit greeting: "Oh my god, where have you been?!" Such behavior would be acceptable if there were ever an actual emergency. But the Overcaller habitually calls in frenzied bursts for the most frivolous matters. Worse still, after they've already left a message, the Overcaller will occasionally leave an additional message that says nothing but "Hey, I already called and left a message, but here's another one just to let you know that I still want to talk to you." Messages about messages about messages. God. Damn. Why They Do This: The Overcaller is almost forgivable because, at the end of the day, they're just very focused to the point of single-minded intensity. They know they want to talk to you about something (bullshit, we presume), and they can't really think about anything else until they do. They can't get to their next item on their mental "To Do" list until "Yammer like an idiot to my friend" is crossed off. That's why they call every 30 seconds. What else would they do?
Alternate Explanation: They are calling about something illegal in progress. What They'll Never Understand: Many times the "squeaky wheel" is just "damaged" and eventually "scrapped." #7.
The Rambler a.k.a. the Human Radio Station
You have got to give the Rambler some credit; at least they attempted to leave you a detailed message. But whatever tiny bit of credit you gave them must be swiftly revoked when you realize that they fundamentally disagree with you about the definition of the word "detailed." The Rambler will leave needlessly lengthy voicemails that include long-winded yet largely incoherent summaries of their call, tons of information they know you already have, instructions for how to call them back, other phone numbers where you might be able to reach them, where they'll be later, their schedule for the next couple of days and they will conclude all of it by restating their name and number at the end.
God forbid their first message gets cut off for being too lengthy because then, as a very special bonus, they'll treat you to a slightly shorter reprise of the same message that repeats all of the exact same information. The Rambler's soliloquies evoke the instinctive reaction of taking the phone away from your ear, staring at it for a second, throwing your other hand up and then shaking your head in shocked disbelief. Why They Do This: While there is an excellent chance the Rambler loves to hear the sound of their own voice, it is equally likely that they just cannot get to the fucking point. Their lives consist of muttering endlessly to anyone who will listen, punctuated only by pointless conversations with themselves in the mirror. Miraculously, despite all the practice they've had talking, they cannot tell a simple story with any proficiency much less leave a concise voicemail.
Alternate Explanation: They are calling to cover up something illegal. What They'll Never Understand: People deliberately do not return their calls as punishment for leaving obnoxious voicemail screeds. #6.
Detective Dumbfuck
Detective Dumbfuck investigates cases where they suspect, sometimes reasonably, that you have been avoiding their calls. Their thorough investigation into the matter consists of calling you, and then calling you again two minutes later from a different phone number. It will never occur to them, however, that you always know it's them by virtue of them calling two minutes prior, and probably a few other times before that. When Detective Dumbfuck's case goes cold, they'll desperately enlist someone else they know to call you, hoping to "catch" you screening them if you answer. You'll still know it's them, though, and you'll groan at their conspicuous futility before ignoring them again.
Why They Do This: Detective Dumbfuck is legendarily insecure and fears that no one likes them (because no one does). Their plan of attack for proving this is one of the most poorly-thought-out plans imaginable, because what if it works? Person: "Hello?" Detective: "HAH! You took this call from an unknown number - that PROVES you were avoiding my calls!" Person: "...Yep. That's what happened!" Detective: "Ahah, I CAUGHT you! You hate me!" Person: "..." Detective: "Oh... oh Jesus."
Alternate Explanation: They are calling to investigate something illegal. What They'll Never Understand: Nobody wants to take their calls. Ever. |
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I HATE voicemail... i wish it didn't exist, and i refuse to check mine unless someone calls from a number i don't recognize or a government or other organization that leaves messages. I even have a message to my voicemail that says don't bother to leave a message because i don't check it and so, to me, if they leave a message, they are idiots, because i've already warned them not to and EVERYONE who calls me knows i don't listen to my messages. I also do not leave messages unless it's a have-to situation, but i won't repeatedly call someone if they won't answer, so some of us might fit in parts of things, but some of us don't fit into the whole thing because frankly, i have better things to do with my time than to talk to some damn machine and if they want to call me back, my number's showing up in their missed calls and they can find out when they have time, if they don't, then i will catch them some other time, because very few things in life are a damn emergency.
There is just one more thing that I think this list needs! The one thing that pisses me off more than anything is when people have voicemail messages that are them saying Hello! Hello! Your breakin up man! and then you sit there for 5 f**king minutes trying to hear them and the beep sounds! Makes me want to stab them!
i am totally #9. the only voicemail i can even remember leaving was asking someone why they never answer the phone.
LOL. My ex was an Overcaller who later turned into a Detective Dumbf**k. Great article! I honestly think Detective Dumbf**k should have been #1, because that's really kind of stalker-ish when you think about it, but that's just my opinion. Very, very funny list. I loved it.
Oh my goodness, this article is so awesome. I know at least one person who matches each type of obnoxious caller. I even know one guy who is The Overcaller and Detective Dumbf**k in one person. Believe me, this is a lethal mixture!
People should keep in mind that this is a HUMOR site. Although this article was wildly funny and extreme, don't take this article so seriously, everyone! We've all been guilty of one of these offenses at one point or another. This article smartly and sarcastically conveys our frustrations with a sense of HUMOR.
Jesus, Baybrook, why do you even OWN a phone? You apparently hate both receiving AND returning phone calls.
Holy f**k I thought this article would never end. Whoever wrote this ( i didnt bother to check) should have manned up and just blatantly called this "stupid s**t women do w their phones"
The thing that got me was the Airplane! reference.
Missing one- The distracted caller. For example, the person that calls you while they're in the drive thru and then has the audacity to tell you to hold on while they place their order.
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So many, many of these are my grandma. She'll leave me 14 messages to PICK UP THE PHONE. On my celllphone, at 6am. Or when I'm at work. She can't see, so even though we got her a vision-impaired phone, she can't use the directory so she only uses speed dial. And she often calls me 30 times in a row because she's sitting on her phone but can't hear me screaming "GRANDMA. GET YOUR PHONE" from under her butt.
Missing one- The distracted caller. For example, the person that calls you while they're in the drive thru and then has the audacity to tell you to hold on while they place their order.
Ha, I'm 10 and 9 for sure and a little bit 1. Great article.
I hate people that send pointless 1 word texts. You have to waste lots of credit (if you don't get free texts) having a text conversation before finding out they don't want anything and just thought you needed to be called a b***h. This is often followed by sending a smily face to show they were kidding.
Well, at some point in my life I've been pretty much every one of these, normally I try to learn and move on. The moral of the story seems to be that if you want the call from the person, you'll be excited they're calling, if you don't, you'll (I'll) b***h and moan no matter how they leave the message... I'll tell you what gets to me far worse than any of these. The people who NEVER, EVER, answer their phones. You can leave messages, you can call back later, you can ignore them for months at a time, but in the end, they refuse to actually make any contact with you on your terms. Only when they want to talk to you about something they want you to do for them do they bother to call, they make a demand and are utterly horrified\start yelling if you don't respond IMMEDIATELY.
Well, at some point in my life I've been pretty much every one of these, normally I try to learn and move on. The moral of the story seems to be that if you want the call from the person, you'll be excited they're calling, if you don't, you'll (I'll) b***h and moan no matter how they leave the message... I'll tell you what gets to me far worse than any of these. The people who NEVER, EVER, answer their phones. You can leave messages, you can call back later, you can ignore them for months at a time, but in the end, they refuse to actually make any contact with you on your terms. Only when they want to talk to you about something they want you to do for them do they bother to call, they make a demand and are utterly horrified\start yelling if you don't respond IMMEDIATELY.
agree with @johnpunch97. I was homeschooled, too, and I thought the jab was a bit much. although I did laugh.
damn, this was the most boring, unfunny Cracked article I've read in a long time. They've all been pretty bad this week, but this one is just horrible. Fire whoever wrote this article.
"Voicemail Retards are lazy, stubborn, inconsiderate and were probably home-schooled." That seems really unnecessary. Where the heck did the jab at home-schooled students come from? (Yes, I was home-schooled, which is why it kind of stuck out.) It was kind of funny, though.
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