The 10 Most Obnoxious Cell Phone Callers

Ever since Zack Morris invented the cell phone many semesters ago, a growing number of imbeciles have been concocting new ways to irritate the ever-living shit out of us by using it improperly. You'd prefer to ignore these callers, but instead you are forced to deal with them on a regular basis.

Inventor of the cellular telephone.

Will they ever learn? Well, we sure as shit don't think so.

The Cryptic Messenger perpetually leaves the same mysterious message regardless of whom they are calling or the purpose of their call:

"Hi, this is Melvin. Call me back."

If you're lucky enough to have been selected to do them a favor, they'll occasionally offer this variation:

"Hi, this is Melvin. I had a question I wanted to ask you... call me back."

They leave the voicemail equivalent of a Monopoly Chance card, except it's always something shitty and self-serving.

Why They Do This:

This repulsively self-centered person has very little respect for you. To them, you have nothing better to do than solve the great puzzle of why a magnificent person such as them called you. They believe that the only way people will return their calls is if they arouse their curiosity. In most cases, they know that people will have no interest in what they are calling about, so they dare not actually reveal it via voicemail, which paradoxically negates the purpose of their call.

"Even if I explained it, you wouldn't understand."

Their goal is to disable your ability to judge the call itself on its merits, and instead put you in the awkward position of rejecting them where there is at least some chance you'll cave and do their bidding. The Cryptic Messenger not only has the audacity to leave vague messages with selfish purposes, but also has the nerve to interrogate you later if you don't get back to them. Amazingly though, they'll still leave the same enigmatic message for the remaining one percent of their calls where they're not asking you for something.

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling about something arguably illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

If they cannot bother to tell you why they called, you cannot be bothered to think it was important. As people slowly catch on, the Cryptic Messenger's calls stop getting returned. This utterly baffles them.

Slightly more aggravating than the Cryptic Messenger guy is the Voicemail Allergies Guy, whose desire to stay "off the grid" is so strong that he can't risk leaving a record of his voice behind, even in situations that absolutely require it. They will eternally frustrate you because your ability to communicate with them rests solely on the impossible expectation that you answer all of their outgoing calls.

Leave a goddamned message. You are not Jason Bourne.

These guys are worse than Cryptic Messenger Guy because they have a one-two punch of pissing you off built into their system. The first hit comes when they complain about you not answering your phone and the second comes when they smugly brag about the unforgettable concert (or party, or stripper or wild animal showdown), you missed, which is your fault, because hey, they "tried" to call you. Won't you ever learn to drop everything and answer the phone every time they call?

Why They Do This:

Back in the day when answering machines were as universal as Chia Pets and leg warmers, some people were reluctant to leave private messages because they didn't want them overheard by the squatters in your basement. That might have been a clever strategy 30 years ago, but today it no longer applies since squatters don't have access to your voicemail. Today's Voicemail Allergies Guy is just a clueless asshole who scolds everyone for not answering the phone instead of pursuing the more logical route of leaving messages.

"Just leave a message. It's the logical thing to do, captain."

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling about something very illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

When deciding who to call back, people organize their priorities based on messages. If you say, "Hey, my house is on fire, call me back with plans tonight," your call will more than likely land high on the priorities list. If you don't say anything, the person you called will assume you had nothing important to say and move on to whatever other call they didn't answer. More people would get back to you if you ever conveyed any call-back-worthy information. Hell, people might even start taking your calls from time to time.

You can forget about ever having 45 minutes to yourself these days, because the Overcaller is going to rain a torrent of calls upon you for the better part of the afternoon. Overcallers have taken the concept of "redial" beyond several levels, and those several levels were: "annoy," "pester," "badger," "harass," "torment" and "torture." Sometimes they'll leave messages, and on other calls they won't, but either way it won't matter.

Which is even more annoying than these dickbags.

When you finally attempt to check your five new messages to discover what could possibly be so urgent, the Overcaller will interrupt you by calling yet again on the other line. After switching over you will be subjected to a familiar DEFCON 1 apeshit greeting: "Oh my god, where have you been?!" Such behavior would be acceptable if there were ever an actual emergency. But the Overcaller habitually calls in frenzied bursts for the most frivolous matters. Worse still, after they've already left a message, the Overcaller will occasionally leave an additional message that says nothing but "Hey, I already called and left a message, but here's another one just to let you know that I still want to talk to you." Messages about messages about messages. God. Damn.

Why They Do This:

The Overcaller is almost forgivable because, at the end of the day, they're just very focused to the point of single-minded intensity. They know they want to talk to you about something (bullshit, we presume), and they can't really think about anything else until they do. They can't get to their next item on their mental "To Do" list until "Yammer like an idiot to my friend" is crossed off. That's why they call every 30 seconds. What else would they do?

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling about something illegal in progress.

What They'll Never Understand:

Many times the "squeaky wheel" is just "damaged" and eventually "scrapped."

You have got to give the Rambler some credit; at least they attempted to leave you a detailed message. But whatever tiny bit of credit you gave them must be swiftly revoked when you realize that they fundamentally disagree with you about the definition of the word "detailed."

The Rambler will leave needlessly lengthy voicemails that include long-winded yet largely incoherent summaries of their call, tons of information they know you already have, instructions for how to call them back, other phone numbers where you might be able to reach them, where they'll be later, their schedule for the next couple of days and they will conclude all of it by restating their name and number at the end.

God forbid their first message gets cut off for being too lengthy because then, as a very special bonus, they'll treat you to a slightly shorter reprise of the same message that repeats all of the exact same information. The Rambler's soliloquies evoke the instinctive reaction of taking the phone away from your ear, staring at it for a second, throwing your other hand up and then shaking your head in shocked disbelief.

Why They Do This:

While there is an excellent chance the Rambler loves to hear the sound of their own voice, it is equally likely that they just cannot get to the fucking point. Their lives consist of muttering endlessly to anyone who will listen, punctuated only by pointless conversations with themselves in the mirror. Miraculously, despite all the practice they've had talking, they cannot tell a simple story with any proficiency much less leave a concise voicemail.

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling to cover up something illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

People deliberately do not return their calls as punishment for leaving obnoxious voicemail screeds.

Detective Dumbfuck investigates cases where they suspect, sometimes reasonably, that you have been avoiding their calls. Their thorough investigation into the matter consists of calling you, and then calling you again two minutes later from a different phone number. It will never occur to them, however, that you always know it's them by virtue of them calling two minutes prior, and probably a few other times before that. When Detective Dumbfuck's case goes cold, they'll desperately enlist someone else they know to call you, hoping to "catch" you screening them if you answer. You'll still know it's them, though, and you'll groan at their conspicuous futility before ignoring them again.

Ignored harder than a rebooted 90s show.

Why They Do This:

Detective Dumbfuck is legendarily insecure and fears that no one likes them (because no one does). Their plan of attack for proving this is one of the most poorly-thought-out plans imaginable, because what if it works? Person: "Hello?" Detective: "HAH! You took this call from an unknown number - that PROVES you were avoiding my calls!" Person: "...Yep. That's what happened!" Detective: "Ahah, I CAUGHT you! You hate me!" Person: "..." Detective: "Oh... oh Jesus."

Alternate Explanation:

They are calling to investigate something illegal.

What They'll Never Understand:

Nobody wants to take their calls. Ever.