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Cracked Round-Up: Recession Edition?

By CRACKED Staff Sep 12, 2009 27,794 views
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Wait, have we already done a Recession Edition, yet? We fired the guy that kept track of that stuff a couple of weeks ago. Just pretend we said something witty.


We rang in Sunday with an article by Brockway about confusing moments in karate. Bucholz staggered in drunk on Tuesday and handed in a story about Mario hallucinations. Then, shockingly, Brockway came in again on Wednesday and discussed healthcare. On Thursday, Seanbaby entered the mix and talked about sex books that somehow weren't pornography. Dan O'Brien finished things off on Friday by violating the memory of a great comic.

GUT-WRENCHING
6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
Maybe those crazy old hippies growing tomatoes by the side of the road were right. Ah, fuck it. Fake cheese tastes too good.


Notable Comment: "I worked at a movie theater for about a year and a half...we had "Golden-flavored Popcorn Topping". I used to know all the ingredients, but they included soybean oil, and SILICONE. No, I do not jest. The primary ingredient in fake boobs is also in your "butter". This stuff stained my work shirts so bad that not even bleach treatments could get the sickly yellow color out. "

That's all well and good, Cyrus_the_Vyrus, but what we really want to know is how your tits are doing.

BAD PARENTS
8 Insane Ways Parents Are Politically Brainwashing Children
You know what, there just isn't enough intolerance and hatred in the world today. Let's find some way to pass that shit on down to our children!


Notable Comment: "THERE ARE NO LIBERALS, NO CONSERVATIVES. ONLY.................. THUNDERDOME!"

Wow, BIGMIKE, you've completely encapsulated our entire political ethos.



SUPERMAN
5 Superpowers You Didn't Know Your Body Was Hiding From You
Fuck our tendons, we want super-strength!


Notable Comment: "I use echolocation at night when I go to have a pee and don't want to shock my eyes by turning on the light... the sound of the pee hitting the toilet water lets me know it's in the right place... the absence of that sound tells me to redirect pretty quick. "

We're going out on a limb here and guessing that thejimshelley's house smells terrible.

SCARY SPIDER
Nature's 6 Most Diabolical Predators
This is why we need to round-up every living creature that isn't actively adorable and shoot them all in the face with napalm. Yes, that seems like a reasoned and measured response to being mildly creeped out.


Notable Comment:"Thank you Cracked, for making me scared of spiders all over again. Therapy was really going well too. "

Don't worry, ninjaclown, Cracked.com will give you all the therapy* your broken mind needs. *Therapy is a synonym for 'wrenching bowel pain' right?

SEX IS BAD
The 5 Most Horrific Ways People Have Tried to Discourage Sex
Today, we're much more evolved. We don't need to rely on penis-tying, castration, or chastity belts...we've got World of Warcraft.


Notable Comment:col_p says; "Castration; the only 100% cure for baldness (stops it from happening, rather than making hair grow back). "

We're not sure if this is true or not, but we sure hope it is.



GLADSTONE
Fox News' Boob Filled Report on the Stimulus Package
Take that Fox News.


YOU YOU YOU!
22 Awesome Ways to Reboot Classic TV Shows
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Video Games Were Realistic.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

9.10.09:

Warning- hanging w/ frat boys may cause rectal bleeding.
by mephitic

Editor's pick:

You know, it isn't right when the one dressed as a duck is the manliest guy in the group.
by CavalierX

9.09.09:

That's actually just one Flash trying out several different pick-up approaches at once.
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

This isn't what I meant by flash mob.
by Ryder11

9.08.09:

By the power of Gayskull
by seannyb

Editor's pick:

Fisher Price's My First Sex Offender
by -ED-209

8.07.09:

He's still a lot better than Nickleback.
by Brett-Butler

Editor's pick:

you should see him with the piano
by 8.06.09:

"Did you hear that lobster tell that b***h off?" "Yeah, what a badass."
by bubsfoster

Editor's pick:

Apparently there is something more interesting going on than the grown men dressed as squirrels.
by RulerOfAll

8.05.09:

It's pretty clear what PacMan thinks of Minesweeper.
by HUMLY

Editor's pick:

This must be what the Mayans were talking about
by porpoise-song

8.04.09:

They may look swedish but I'm sure they were made in China
by DunstinChecksOut

Editor's pick:

Dignity: Some assembly required*
by slushiaddict

My friend recommended me a very hot place ___DiamondSingle.com___, where you have the opportunity to make friends and chat with rich and cool guys ,hot and sexy girls,supermodels and so on.First i can't believe and then I signed up there and i've got many friends including celebrities there,Finally, I find my perfect match there.It's exciting. Hope you can find your perfect match.

09/15/2009 05:54:14 AM
diamondsingle

however, Steffans stated on Hot 97 she was never legally married to Kool G Rap.

09/12/2009 11:04:53 PM
lol_alf

BOOBS

09/12/2009 10:15:15 PM
redx190

Dude on the Big Wheels looks nothing like Skeletor (or his gay brother). Need a better craption. Speaking of... pretty good captions on this site- think it's new. http://makefunofmyfriends.com

09/12/2009 06:46:36 PM
byjenna

A duzzin.

09/12/2009 04:21:51 PM
happymf

DAMMIT!! The spambot stole my tenth spot.

09/12/2009 02:14:57 PM
Tartra

Good stuff!! ~!~~ Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more effective?? Check out: http://ClassyMingle.com . You will love it!

09/12/2009 11:49:38 AM
CrackedStaff

@Cratey Yes exactly. Cracked = Maturity. I for one am a big fan of Maturity...especially 36C... Wait. Maturity is boobzzz right>

09/12/2009 10:53:19 AM
Woombie

EIGTHHHHH! Excuse me as I go die now.

09/12/2009 10:51:50 AM
Woombie

I find it funny Lealizeit's comment WAS the only comment that didn't mention the number of the post. What is the reason to comment here anyway? Make fun of how cliche some of the CRAPtions are ("By the power of Gayskull", seriously)?

09/12/2009 09:51:30 AM
AyteeSics

Legalizeit's (SIXTH) right, you know, guys. Let's all grow (SIXTH) up a bit, because that's what Cracked is all about. Maturity.

09/12/2009 09:35:06 AM
Cratey

yay, fifth!

09/12/2009 09:27:23 AM
hazzardous

cracked should be the one site w/o retards saying first everytime they get to comment before other people

09/12/2009 08:53:13 AM
legalizeit

Wow you guys need a life. But seriously, third.

09/12/2009 08:08:01 AM
SPYDER0416

I hate you, pedgerow. Just kidding. Second

09/12/2009 07:28:37 AM
videodork

ZERO comments? None at all? This could be my big chance to shout "first!" and be hated by everyone. Because I am. First, that is.

09/12/2009 07:04:15 AM
Pedgerow
Cracked stuff on
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