The 5 Most Ridiculously Awful Computers Ever Made
#2.
PocketMail (2000)
Imagine being able to check or send e-mail anytime, anywhere. If you just imagined you were back in the year 2000 with your PDA, shut up. We're talking about the miracle of PocketMail, which was like a PDA except all it did was send and receive e-mail. Hell, what's wrong with that? For 2000, that's still freaking state of the art!
Wait, did we mention that you had to hold it up to a land line telephone to work?
Keep in mind, cell phones had the ability to send texts as early as the mid 90s and, you know, there was always actual computers in your home, at the library, wherever. Plus if you were stuck out somewhere without a cell phone or a computer handy, you still needed to get to a payphone to use your PocketMail, at which point you could always just use the phone and call whoever you want to talk to, since you have to have the thing right there anyway.
It also pulled off the miraculous design feat of being too big to fit in your pocket, yet too small to be comfortable to type on like a laptop.
While a few people out there still sing the praises of PocketMail--the same people who used to do soil sampling out in the remote sections of the Mojave and wanted the convenience of being able to forward hilarious LOLcats at the same time--the rest of us realized that every single other portable device in the world offered the same feature plus numerous additions, none of which required you to hold it up to a phone. It was a solution to a problem that only like six people in the world had.
The company that manufactured the thing in Australia even crapped out on it and decided the next obvious business venture was uranium mining. Sure, we totally trust these guys with shipping tons of uranium around the world. No way that operation is going to result in a mountain exploding.
#1.
The Apple III (1980)
Now just settle down, Apple lovers. We're all friends here. That's right, just lay the gun on the table. See, not so long ago Apple wasn't the kickass manufacturer of iPods and paper-thin laptops it is now. It was more of a shithole joke of a company that couldn't sell a whore to Charlie Sheen even if she came with QuickTime already installed. Lucky for them they persevered, despite a history of machines like the Apple III.
The Apple III, while aesthetically as retarded as any computer from the 80s, had the problem of trying to cram a whole lot of computer into a relatively small space. Which is totally in the spirit of cutting-edge Apple, only this is 1980 we're talking about here. As we mentioned, this was a time when any computer powerful enough to display a photograph required a crew of 30 men to stand in a circle and blow on it.
Nowadays, computers have internal cooling fans and heat sinks all over them to take care of this. Back in the 80s the Apple crew figured that shit was for pussies, so the aluminum case was meant to act as a heat sink; devoid of a fan or even vents. If you've ever tried to escape the summer heat by climbing into an unventilated aluminum box you'll understand why this was a shittastic idea.
The result was that chips would actually pop free from their sockets as the metal heated and expanded. Machine owners experiencing problems were given the most awesome set of troubleshooting instructions in the history of computing: Lift the dead machine a few inches of the ground and drop it. Turn it on and see if it works.
The hope was that the impact would seat the chips again. That's right. When Apple Computer, Inc., designer of some of the most elegant machines in the history of anything, got calls from thousands of customers that their new computer had died, their first question was, "Have you tried dropping it?"
There were other rumors about the Apple III, including that it could fucking melt floppy disks in the drive (though it seems like it would have fried wiring inside by the time it got up to that temperature, can you dismiss anything at this point?). We guess it's sort of inspirational that Apple recovered from that fiasco and now makes products that probably 80 percent of the people reading this have on their person.
Speaking of which, all you kids who were born too late to have bought any of the shit in this article? You got off easy.
Ian is currently using his Commodore 64 to post ASCII porn over at ScenicAnemia.com.
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For more technological bombs, check out The 6 Most Retarded Gaming Consoles Ever Released. Or find out how we know directors and writers never went to Computer 101, in 5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do.
Or swing by our Top Picks to see Wong trying to convince the office that his "PocketMail is totally awesome, you guys."
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I had a C64, and it never had any problems at all. Until it broke down completely after four years, and I got an Amiga 500. Which held another three years. Then I got a PC, and it was a stone age piece of crap after one year, even after i had updated it with a CD-ROM drive, a sound card, and 8 MB of RAM.
ReplyWhat I´m trying to say, you see, is that everything sucks today, and I was into this waaaaaay before you guys.
Oh.
What's with the massive amounts of Apple dicksucking at the end?
ReplyLike it or not, Apple designs good computers. I say this as an avid PC user who will never deviate from them. But Apple does design some good-looking, efficient machines.
When comparing the quality of products (like computers), your only two options are not 'the best' and 'sucktacular'.
Steve Jobs HIMSELF dictated that the Apple III would not have a cooling fan because, "Cooling fans are for THE MAN man! You can't OWN a cooling fan man! Peace love stop the whales man!" (or words to that effect...)
ReplyWell, the UK version of the Timex/Sinclair machine (ZX Spectrum) is pretty awesome.
ReplyHa! I remember playing around on an apple three when I was a kid. I don't know why anyone still had it, since I was born in 1984, but IIR, it was probably floating around in school until we got better Apples. (I remember playing Lemonade Stand on the GS and using it at school to try and build a website....then I got my own PC. Sorry Apple!)
ReplyWhat the hell would you need a computer for if there weren't any internets?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesImpressing your coke-addled, pink-tie-wearing, martini-slurping, sales-rep buddies, if I recall correctly
To use in an office, to play games, and to create art with things like KidPix.
OK, half the computers back then were useless (except Commodore machines!), but most were just used in offices so that people could ge work done faster but just ended up playing Tetris or Klondike for 8 hours.
Uh dude, games existed before there were Internets. And that's why you'd own a computer.
Console? Yeah, graphics were nice, but you try playing those "text based adventures" for the "intellectual people with better imaginations" (in Strong Bad's words) on one.
Dropping it is how I fix all my technological problems, from my laptop to my phone to my refrigerator.
Reply"Speaking of which, all you kids who were born too late to have bought any of the s**t in this article? You got off easy."
ReplyGoing by this article I am sincerely glad I was born too late - or my family never bought, in the case of the Pocket Mail - for this sh!t.
Re Timex1000 - Real name ZX81 from Sinclair. The fact that you are reading Cracked is partly due to the '81. Why?
ReplyBecause these days kids don't get taught programming - this is a ongoing complaint in the software industry, they get taught spreadsheets and WP instead. However in the early 80's a load of teen and pre-teen boys first experience of computers was with ZX81 (remember this is when 'Simon' was being sold as 'COMPUTER CONTROLLED'.
These teen boys grew up to be big in the computer industry, because of this early love of computers. Much of the modern world relies on the fact there are all these geeks who got into computers in this way (plus commodore 64, Vic 20 etc)
I wore out the keyboard, on my Sinclair.
Spectrum is a FAAAAR superior machine though, even if it sucked ass in the USA.
Good God, I remember all of that stuff.
ReplyThanks Ian, you merciless Btard. Now you brought back memories of that day I sold my C64 for an IBM 80086 with frigging Hercules graphic and green monitor.
ReplyThrew it away after two months and got me a used C64 again.
38911 basic bytes free - and that s**t ruled!!
Two floppy drives w/ parallel cable _and_ a datasette _and_ FinalCartridge III (No SpeedDOS though).
Ah, those were the days my friend, those were the days!
*sobs in melancholy*
Man, I loved programming on the ol' C64. I ended up with an 8088. That thing sucked to code on
"Internet appliance sounds a bit like a dildo that checks your stocks for you."
ReplyHaha! Yeah, that's ridiculous. So, I mean, do they have that though?
My dad had a pocket mail and he hated it. I remember trying to play with it and how bad it sucked. In fact, I didn`t even know what it was until I read this article. It`s amazing how much computers have changed, even since my family got our first one in 2000.
ReplyI worked aon a very remote mine site when pocket mail was released. Although the site had an internet connection personal use of email was strictly banned and enforced. Pocket mail was a boon for the 700 or so staff that needed to keep in touch with families at home. The drive to civilisation was 12 hours so devices like this offered hope for an otherwise pretty isolated existence.
I wouldn't say Apple has improved much in the whole design area.
ReplyTo put it simply, if you want to use your MacBook Pro in your lap while playing a game, don't bother getting a vasectomy.
That's pretty much true of any laptop. Although I say that and my Mac laptop gave me a second degree burn when I set it on my bare leg. Never again.
Owned the white Timex-Sinclair before the one in this article. It was even worse.
ReplyYou need to carry some more Minori Hatsune DVDs. She's been releasing a lot of new s**t lately.
What about the Windows Vista?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOr the Mac?
Or the random computer im typing this comment with?
Last I checked, Windows Vista is software, not a computer.
Mac is as well.
There is no machine called Mac. You are either referring to one version of Finder (5, 6, or 7), Mac OS 9 or Mac OS X, or the computers known as Macintosh, Macintosh 512K, Macintosh Plus, eMac, iMac, Powerbook, Macbook or Macbook Pro.
Vista is software, and you're computer sucks because it let you type such stupid bullshit.
Jesus, some of those were bad. I remember at school we had the 'Acorn' computers with the walnut panelled covering. They were dire. Then in 2000 we got a windows '95 laptop from a grant and within a few days someone had stolen it.
ReplyThe ADAM killed Coleco, they sold about 100k for xmas and majority of those ended up in the return line on the 26th. Some of the machines had a problem of not even working at all when you took it out of the box and set it up.
ReplyThe osborne 2?
ReplyDalek6450: you forgot every mac in existance
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies*existence ...you're not helping refuting the case that Apple users think they're smarter than PC users...
Tripdaddy: we aren't, and I have never said we were. Honestly, the only reason I use a Mac is because I've owned Macs since I popped out of my mother 20 years ago. I've considered purchasing a PC for years now.
Signed: a member of the normal, non-hipster Apple owners. (iPhones are stupid.)
^ Do you hang a coffee shop and write poetry about yourself? If you answer "no" to that and still don't have a latte glued to your hand, you're not part of the faggy sect of Mac owners.