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Bitch all you want about the computer you're using now, about how it's short on RAM and infected with spyware and Windows Vista, but that machine stands on the shoulders of giants. Retarded giants. What we're trying to say is that in order to get you the machine that functions at the level it does, the PC industry went through many, many horrible designs and ill-conceived products. So you can bitch about the cheap Gateway laptop you've been using for five years, but at least it's not... #5.
The 3com Audrey (2000)
A good sign that something unfortunate is afoot at your technology company is when someone proposes naming your new computer after a dead actress. Say Audrey Hepburn for instance. Also cause for concern is when they decide to market it as an Internet appliance instead of a computer, as Internet appliance sounds a bit like a dildo that checks your stocks for you. Launched in 2000, the makers of the Audrey designed their tool specifically for the kitchen and to do far, far less than a normal PC would do, because trendy, on the go internet users of the new millennium had no time to walk back to the living room or bedroom, they needed to see what eBay had to offer while they frosted their toaster strudel.
In an attempt to make the Audrey unique, which is marketing talk for "incompatible with anything and grossly inconvenient to use" the Audrey came in such technologically exciting shades as "linen" and "sunshine." It had a whopping eight-inch screen--probably enough to read the first half of this sentence--and subscribers got to have access to "channels" specifically designed and optimized for the Tiny Tim-sized screen. As a fun bonus, channels could be changed by turning a knob, kind of the same way you do on your TV, if you haven't bought a TV since the 1970s. Look, you can see what was going on here. Somebody at 3Com said, "Let's design a computer for 'the kitchen'" using air quotes to mark the last two words, with everyone in the room knowing that it meant "for women." "So what do computer users in 'the kitchen' want? A computer seemingly designed for a toddler, that's what! Without all those scary buttons and programs to boggle their simple, woman minds!"
Dismayed that the world was not in fact populated by housewives from 1955 sitcoms, the $500 device was yanked from shelves less than a year after it debuted. #4.
The Coleco Adam (1983)
We understand that personal computers were still pretty primitive in the 80s. Basically, a machine sold back then had to satisfy two requirements: entering the wrong command wouldn't cause the Reds to launch nukes at Nebraska, and the computer wouldn't spontaneously erase whatever program you were trying to run. The Coleco Adam only satisfied one of those. As you probably guessed, this was made by the Coleco company, the creators of Colecovision. That system was destined to drown in the shadow of the Atari 2600, and so this machine was attempt to horn in on the home computer market. And sure, there were minor issues, like the fact that the power supply ran through the printer (that is, if the printer broke, your computer was a paperweight).
But inexplicably more ridiculous than that, however, was that the Adam, like any good supervillain, released a a surge of magnetism when turned on. And its software was stored on cassette tapes. If you don't see the problem with this, you're too young to know what magnets did to cassettes (hint: It's the same thing that a big wave does to a sand castle). So thousands of customers found out that after starting the machine a few times, tapes kept nearby would wind up blank. For added kicks, the instruction manual that was circulated with the Adam told users to have the software tapes inside the computer before startup, ensuring they would always be right there in the line of fire.
Unsurprisingly, despite their efforts to fix the problem (which included putting a sticker on new computers warning that it will fry your shit), customers were less than enthused and, within two years, the Adam was gone from the marketplace. #3.
The Timex Sinclair 1000 (1982)
KAPOW! Look at that shit up there! That computer is so smart it's shooting out holy beams of computer light! And what's that? It's only $99.95? Holy crap, why were there any other computer companies still in business after the Timex Sinclair 1000 hit the market? Sure, that's $99.95 in 1982 dollars, but that's also a 1982 computer, back when super computers were still the size of office buildings and had to be cooled with blocks of ice.
Needless to say, people couldn't resist. Ads had to be taken out in newspapers all over the country just to let people know where they could fine one. It was like the Nintendo Wii that first Christmas it was out. And really, the only difference between the Sinclair 1000 and the competing systems that could cost up to 100 times as much, was that they actually functioned. With its totally hardcore 2KB of RAM and ability to display 32 columns and 24 lines in sleek, sexy, early 80s black and white, the TS1000 did nothing. We're not exaggerating; you could fill those lines and columns with some text, then presumably erase it and type more. Notice that you could do much the same with an Etch-A-Sketch. It had no ability to save your work (though you could hook a tape recorder up to it if you had one). If you wanted your computer to, you know, actually run programs and stuff, you needed to buy a $200 memory expansion that gave you the 16KB of memory that programs at the time required. Yes, the expansion you needed to use the machine cost twice as much as the machine itself. Oh, and they couldn't make enough of the expansions for everybody who needed them. So the rest were stuck with a $100 notepad.
Did we mention the keyboard? The keyboard had problems. Specifically, the fact that it didn't have keys. It used a membrane style keypad so that you couldn't actually feel the keys under your fingers as you typed. Despite selling a shitload of these, Timex bailed out on the home computer market just two years later, presumably chased away by a crowd carrying torches and pitchforks. |
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hahahah i wanted a sinclair sooooo bad.
. BTW my work is having a drawing for a free blu-ray player, if you want to enter. http://tinyurl.com/y987ct8
I had an Apple III for ages! It started making a noise like a yeti eventually and smelled like a microwaved GI Joe, so obviously I got rid of it. No fried floppy disks, but my dad wouldn't let me put the thing next to the curtains.
I remember how unbelievably on top of the world I was when I got my first PC... 6 GB hard drive, Netscape Navigator, WINDOWS FUCKING 95. I think I had my first orgasm when I discovered MSpaint.
Holy Moses, I had one of those PocketMail things. It was epically useless. I think it had some kind of... spelling game?... but that was IT, man.
@Johnvince: I love that you started out bitching about apple, then to describe their fanboys, compared them to DMB fans, then just forgot about apple and gave an unsolicited trashing of Dave Matthews. Seriously, best comment all day. Fuck Apple and Dave Matthews Band. I'm gonna go back to FaceBook and be a fan of that.
My parents actually had one of those Adam computers. My dad used it solely as a word processor.
Life needs passion.
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I cut myself on safety scissors once.
You know, I built a PC that was a lot like that...except it actually had programs that ran on it besides word processing and the apple puzzle game.
Not only that, but I actually still have it around, sort of. You see, with my PC I don't have to purchase an entirely new computer if I want to keep it current. I just replace a part here and there. Like that fan that went out on your apple for instance. Or the RAM. Or the motherboard. Or the Videocard. Or the processor...
Apples are the safety scissors of the computer world.
When our daughter started college in 1999 we bought her an eMachine clone of the Apple iMac. For $899 at Circuit City it came with a printer. She used that computer through all four years of college for everything she did; never a problem. It was carted back and forth between campus and home in the trunk of her car, set up and used at home during the summer, and back again. After graduating college she used that computer for five years going from apartment to apartment more times than I remember; never a problem; never a hard drive crash; no data ever lost. Relegated to back up duty, the poor old guy finally gave up the ghost one night last year. Actually it still worked, just sounded like it wanted to die, so she retired it. He was lovingly recycled but will live on forever in our memories. RIP old friend.
My high school had an Apple III, which would be fine, except for the fact that I only graduated high school in 2007. Yay, public school!
yes, yes, very good! but you forgot the Asus Eee, the worst pc ever made. it looks neat, but I say, as an owner, its the worst pc ever made. much worse than that applel thingy. belive me. own it in a week, and your gonna go nuts. WORST PC EVER!
I'm typing this on my Eee 1000HE, and I don't really see what you mean. It's cheap, has good battery life, and is made by ASUS, the best brand in terms of reliability. What's not to like?
yes, yes, very good! but you forgot the Asus Eee, the worst pc ever made. it looks neat, but I say, as an owner, its the worst pc ever made. much worse than that applel thingy. belive me. own it in a week, and your gonna go nuts. WORST PC EVER!
My first comp had the screen and actual computer built into one massive box that weighed around 65 pounds.
I was born in 89'. I had that computer until I was 15. So fuck you Ian, I knew my comp was a fossil before the term fossil was coined(Not literally, exaggeration, but yeah you get the fucking idea.)
Funny article, those computers really do look like the most maddening contraptions known to man. I've been looking around for cheap computers lately (which is how I found this article lol) but seriously check out http://www.dubli.com./ They sell the latest computers at discount prices. Though maybe in 10/20 years they'll be saying the same thing about tablets and god knows what!
i may be young enough to have escaped these horrors but fuck u op, my first comp ran vista
Ahh, my first computer. It was a Commodore 64. It had to be hooked up to the TV, natch, and I distinctly remember seven hours spent staring into static like that chick from Poltergeist, being mocked by the K in the right corner. We took it back for a sweet Atari that played Pong in a radiant two-color palette. My second computer had actually been a server at one point, so it was packed with a full-on 16MB RAM and I could surf ~newsgroups~. Booyah.
Pretty sad that my family had two on this list; The Aubrey and the Sinclair. The Aubrey was a classic case of trying to hard be stylish for style's sake and not enough function. Yes, this paperweight rots in a local landfill now. I remeber the disillusion with the Sinclair after we brought it home. After punching several quick Basic programs through the stiff "keypad" and finally having the program work only to not have the work saved when you turned the computer off. Yes, anyone under the age of 30 will not have to tolorate this nonsense ever....
I don't know what's worse: Apple fanboys who pee their pants because the Macbook is OMFGGG SOUPER AWESOME
or Windows junkies who act like someone just murdered their entire family if someone says they prefer Apple over Windows.
Calm the Christ down. If it gets you on Facebook, be happy about it!
I don't know what's worse: Apple fanboys who pee their pants because the Macbook is OMFGGG SOUPER AWESOME
LOL Yeah Apple really does produce shitty shit. Although the thing is they have such a cult-following it's similar to Uber Dave Matthews Band fans. They INSIST their shit is the best and demand you experience it in just such a way in just such a time that really changes your whole perspective. Then you sit through their presentation and wonder when you were supposed to be wowed. Fuck Apple and Dave Matthews and his squinty "im in love w myself" look oh and the horriffic voice he is somehow famous for. UGH! Oh apple still sucks my ballbag