Early Star Wars comics.
One of the first characters to appear outside the films, Jaxxon was a daredevil rogue and a smuggler who happened to look like Bucky O'Hare having sex with Marvin the Martian. He was a member of a group called the Star-Hoppers and worshiped something called "the holy hutch," which we assume is space lingo for "Get it? He's a fucking rabbit."
First introduced back in the early Star Wars comics published by Marvel, Jaxxon spent his days gambling, smuggling and outrunning imperial slugs aboard his starship, The Lucky Rabbit's Foot (see space lingo, above). Sound like anyone you know? Yes, Jaxxon was the comics' answer to Han Solo. The two inevitably crossed paths and got into a few crazy adventures which were just as idiotic as you'd imagine.
Why He Doesn't Belong:
As the Star Wars franchise gained in popularity, love of the furry bastard dwindled and Jaxxon boarded his ship in late 1987 and never came back. George Lucas himself has allegedly made clear that he never wants Jaxxon to make another appearance. If they ever build a hall of shame, we have to imagine that "kicked out of the Star Wars universe because George Lucas thinks you're ill-conceived" will get its own wing right next to "getting kicked out of an awards show because Kanye West thinks you're making a scene."
The Tales of the Jedi comics
If you think you'd be unlucky to wind up with a talking rabbit for a Jedi Master, how about a disembodied brain? First revealed in The Tales of the Jedi comic series, Ooroo was a member of a species with no eyes, ears, limbs or usefulness. Also, his name seems like it was dreamed up during the last harrowing moments of a heated Scrabble game that George Lucas was desperate not to lose.
"George, I really don' t think..."
"Fuck you, that's a word."
As a Master, Ooroo trained many disappointed apprentices. He couldn't speak so he connected to his students telepathically. And he couldn't breathe oxygen so he sat in a water tank all day long. Consequently, he was a master of "Force Float" and "Force Trying-Not-To-Prune."
Ooroo sacrificed himself to save his apprentice from being killed by evil Jedi, blowing up his tank and destroying the villains who had presumably gathered around to point and laugh at him. Before he died, Ooroo told his apprentice that he wished he could float the seas of his home world one last time. When your dying wish is to float in the ocean like a bloated corpse, the sky wasn't exactly the limit for you.
Why He Doesn't Belong:
According to his Wookieepedia page (the Star Wars wiki so nerdily titled that anything harboring a vagina will immediately burst into flames upon reading it), "Ooroo preferred to avoid combat where possible" but he was perfectly able to use a lightsaber.
As awesome as this would be to see, we simply cannot fathom how a floating tentacle brain restricted to a jar of liquid could even hold such a weapon, let alone turn it on. For a universe where Jedi come in all shapes and sizes, we would have thought at least one of the prerequisites to begin training would have been "must possess basic level of motor function higher than a turd in a punchbowl."
The Star Wars: Droids comics
What happens when you take Star Wars' most clumsy, inept and least threatening character and make him into a robot killer? You get C-3PX.
Threepio's cousin is locked, loaded and struggling to walk on uneven ground. First created in the Star Wars: Droids comic series, C-3PX was a protocol droid modified by Darth Maul to become a bounty hunter droid, boasting an armament of 83 weapons and about three moving parts. Oh yeah, he KNEW he was the fucking shit. The Fetts had nothing on this guy.
C-3PX was sent on missions from various masters for two purposes: infiltration and elimination. We shouldn't have to point this out, but a golden, reflective metal droid doesn't exactly scream stealth ninja. You could see the guy from about two miles away, lumbering towards you like Frankenstein's monster and telling people how many languages it's fluent in.
C-3PX's claim to fame came when he met C-3PO in the comics, where the two managed to switch places--with Threepio being mistaken for the assassin (because apparently no one was aware that pieces of technology routinely have more than one model type) and C-3PX trying to get his job back by convincing people he was the REAL murderbot--leading to a parent-trap style twin mix-up rife with hilarious hijinks and madcap consequences (C-3PX dies horribly).
Why He Doesn't Belong:
Unless you're blind, retarded or a bag of Fritos, C-3PX has no chance of assassinating you. Shit, all you'd need to do to escape him is to climb a flight of fucking stairs or toss Salacious Crumb at him to chew his eyeball out. Not even the Ewoks were intimidated by Threepio, and they thought he was a fucking god.
Trying to make a killing machine out of a protocol droid is like tying a grenade launcher to a housecat. An assassin can't inspire fear if your first instinct is to laugh at it and your second is to just push it over.
Have an idea for an article? Think you're funny? Just go here and sign up. No experience necessary.
For more idiocy from the Star Wars universe, check out 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball. Or find out what happened to some of your favorite rebels and imperials, in Where Aren't They Now?: 5 Post-Star Wars Careers Almost as Pathetic as Mark Hamill's.
And stop by our Top Picks to see Gladstone pretend that he's Darth Maul.
Don't forget to follow us on Twitter to get previews of upcoming articles and trick your friends into thinking you're psychic.