6 Star Wars Characters Too Retarded for Film
#3.
Jaxxon
From:
Early Star Wars comics.
One of the first characters to appear outside the films, Jaxxon was a daredevil rogue and a smuggler who happened to look like Bucky O'Hare having sex with Marvin the Martian. He was a member of a group called the Star-Hoppers and worshiped something called "the holy hutch," which we assume is space lingo for "Get it? He's a fucking rabbit."
First introduced back in the early Star Wars comics published by Marvel, Jaxxon spent his days gambling, smuggling and outrunning imperial slugs aboard his starship, The Lucky Rabbit's Foot (see space lingo, above). Sound like anyone you know? Yes, Jaxxon was the comics' answer to Han Solo. The two inevitably crossed paths and got into a few crazy adventures which were just as idiotic as you'd imagine.
Why He Doesn't Belong:
As the Star Wars franchise gained in popularity, love of the furry bastard dwindled and Jaxxon boarded his ship in late 1987 and never came back. George Lucas himself has allegedly made clear that he never wants Jaxxon to make another appearance. If they ever build a hall of shame, we have to imagine that "kicked out of the Star Wars universe because George Lucas thinks you're ill-conceived" will get its own wing right next to "getting kicked out of an awards show because Kanye West thinks you're making a scene."
#2.
Ooroo
From:
The Tales of the Jedi comics
If you think you'd be unlucky to wind up with a talking rabbit for a Jedi Master, how about a disembodied brain? First revealed in The Tales of the Jedi comic series, Ooroo was a member of a species with no eyes, ears, limbs or usefulness. Also, his name seems like it was dreamed up during the last harrowing moments of a heated Scrabble game that George Lucas was desperate not to lose.
"George, I really don' t think..."
"Fuck you, that's a word."
As a Master, Ooroo trained many disappointed apprentices. He couldn't speak so he connected to his students telepathically. And he couldn't breathe oxygen so he sat in a water tank all day long. Consequently, he was a master of "Force Float" and "Force Trying-Not-To-Prune."
Ooroo sacrificed himself to save his apprentice from being killed by evil Jedi, blowing up his tank and destroying the villains who had presumably gathered around to point and laugh at him. Before he died, Ooroo told his apprentice that he wished he could float the seas of his home world one last time. When your dying wish is to float in the ocean like a bloated corpse, the sky wasn't exactly the limit for you.
Why He Doesn't Belong:
According to his Wookieepedia page (the Star Wars wiki so nerdily titled that anything harboring a vagina will immediately burst into flames upon reading it), "Ooroo preferred to avoid combat where possible" but he was perfectly able to use a lightsaber.
As awesome as this would be to see, we simply cannot fathom how a floating tentacle brain restricted to a jar of liquid could even hold such a weapon, let alone turn it on. For a universe where Jedi come in all shapes and sizes, we would have thought at least one of the prerequisites to begin training would have been "must possess basic level of motor function higher than a turd in a punchbowl."
#1.
C-3PX
From:
The Star Wars: Droids comics
What happens when you take Star Wars' most clumsy, inept and least threatening character and make him into a robot killer? You get C-3PX.
Threepio's cousin is locked, loaded and struggling to walk on uneven ground. First created in the Star Wars: Droids comic series, C-3PX was a protocol droid modified by Darth Maul to become a bounty hunter droid, boasting an armament of 83 weapons and about three moving parts. Oh yeah, he KNEW he was the fucking shit. The Fetts had nothing on this guy.
C-3PX was sent on missions from various masters for two purposes: infiltration and elimination. We shouldn't have to point this out, but a golden, reflective metal droid doesn't exactly scream stealth ninja. You could see the guy from about two miles away, lumbering towards you like Frankenstein's monster and telling people how many languages it's fluent in.
C-3PX's claim to fame came when he met C-3PO in the comics, where the two managed to switch places--with Threepio being mistaken for the assassin (because apparently no one was aware that pieces of technology routinely have more than one model type) and C-3PX trying to get his job back by convincing people he was the REAL murderbot--leading to a parent-trap style twin mix-up rife with hilarious hijinks and madcap consequences (C-3PX dies horribly).
Why He Doesn't Belong:
Unless you're blind, retarded or a bag of Fritos, C-3PX has no chance of assassinating you. Shit, all you'd need to do to escape him is to climb a flight of fucking stairs or toss Salacious Crumb at him to chew his eyeball out. Not even the Ewoks were intimidated by Threepio, and they thought he was a fucking god.
Trying to make a killing machine out of a protocol droid is like tying a grenade launcher to a housecat. An assassin can't inspire fear if your first instinct is to laugh at it and your second is to just push it over.
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For more idiocy from the Star Wars universe, check out 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball. Or find out what happened to some of your favorite rebels and imperials, in Where Aren't They Now?: 5 Post-Star Wars Careers Almost as Pathetic as Mark Hamill's.
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Hutts are hermaphrodites, they can't be gay, because they are both genders.
Replyyou are making that up. as matter of fact., the storyline driving clone wars revolved around a plot to make Jabba think that the jedi kidnapped HIS SON and aiding Dooku in the kidnapping plot was jabba's AUNT Zero.
Hutts are hermaphrodites, but one or the other "gender" is the dominant one for every Hutt. So while Jabba is a hermaphrodite, he has a male predominant personality. Still does not explain how a Hutt could be gay... maybe both his/her genders were predominant.
This might be the most hilarious article I've read on Cracked.
Reply"according to his Wookieepedia page (the Star Wars wiki so nerdily titled that anything harboring a vagina will immediately burst into flames upon reading it)
Notice none of these came form either of the KOTOR games... further testament to their enduring amazingness. And there needs to be one of these done for Star Trek characters who don't belong.
ReplyI love Star Wars, but f**k it's annoying when you run afoul of a "real fan", who has spent thousands of dollars on every crappy pulp novel, comic book, video game, lego set, or video game based on a lego set, because as they'll rabidly insist with a glazed, unblinking look, "it's ALL canon, Lego Ewok RPG VII is just as part of the Star Wars universe as the Empire Strikes Back".
ReplyThat's the nice thing about Star Trek, novels and comics are regarded as little more than fanfic. Though I don't agree with Paramount's decision to give Nemesis canonical status.
I would choose all these characters over Jar Jar Binks. I mean they were rejected for him!?
ReplyGive me Bunny Jedi Master, give me Bad*** Robot Assassin, and if Han Solo was an Anthro Rabbit the movie would be a lot more interesting... I said interesting not better.
i reckon ikrit had a whole master splinter thing going on, it learned about the force by watching yoda until it was powerful enough to undo the latch on its hutch and then it just hid behind cupboards and under sofas for 400 years.
Replyi really dont see the problem with a jedi that cant use a lightsaber, incase you forgot the entire purpose of jedi is the force, learning about it, training to use it, and using it to help the galaxy, what makes a jedi is his ability to wield the force, not a glowing blade of light
ReplyVIRGIN
Again, another female here (one who has actually reproduced, so not nerdy virgin comments, please) who loves Star Wars.
ReplyI just have one thing to say: I am a girl, and I have a link to Wookiepedia saved on my favorites bar.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesEither you're going to be bashed and accused of being a guy, or you're going to be flooded with marriage proposals. Most likely, you'll get both. By the same people.
I will maintain a neutral stance, and just say that I'm glad I'm not the only one that has Wookiepedia bookmarked lol
I bet your vagina is all dried up
omygod marry me!
Tits or gtfo
how long have you been a girl?
Mount Sorrow... Waith. Is not that the talking mountain form Adventure Time?
Replyf**k you Gibbens, you stupid cunt. Ikrit has every right to be a Jedi Master. He was trained by f*****g YODA. The fact that he doesn't have opposable thumbs doesn't mean f*****g ANYTHING. He uses the Force to swing his lightsaber, BITCH.
ReplyI ought to Fus Ro Dah you.
aww, poor little guy. he's upset about the little cat monkey thing. i think fus ro dah is actually klingon for 'give a big ol' hug.'
when did a kinkajou come into the equation? i would say that ikrit is a cross between a rabbit, a ferret and a beaver
HK-47 is the only homicidal protocol droid I need to know about.
ReplyWhat about IG88?
IG-88 wasn't a protocol droid.
I think there's something deviously brilliant about a protocol droid assassin, but not as a sort of bad ass locked and loaded assassin, more as the kind that wanders around in some place that would have a protocol droid, like a palace, and would be totally unexpected to be dangerous.
ReplyIkrit...Sad when your adversary can be distracted by a ball of tinfoil. :P
ReplyMaster Ikrit, More to say have you?
ReplyNo, just need to use your box if that's ok.
Actually, I could really dig C-3PX. I've always been a fan of the clumsiness of C-3PO and how he's kind of like the 'butler' of the star wars universe, if you could call him that.
ReplyBut I could totally see a different model, absolutely fearless, carrying out every command that is ordered to him, with the absolute badassery of the terminator. Stomping his iron clad boots down the corridor of a spaceship, one arm ahead of him, holding a blaster, just straight up f*****g imperial droids in the d******e with his ultimate baddassery.
I'd imagine that if Darth Maul (He kicks so much f*****g ass he'd bitchslap you into the Lord of the Rings universe - I don't give a f**k what you say about him he is the shit) modified a copy of Threepio he'd actually give him functioning joints, as you don't take a Toaster and give it a blaster and immediately call it a bounty hunter. Threepee-ex (yeah that's now a m***********g nickname) would actually be feasable in my opinion if he functioned properly. As for telling you how many languages he's fluent in, he straight up wouldn't. You know why? Because he's NOT Threepio.
That aside, as far as sticking out, the Star Wars universe DOES have cloaking shields, so what's stopping someone from giving him a working cloaking device if he has (and I wish I could comment with italics) 83 m***********g weapons. Even if he was gold, it wouldn't matter, if anything it could be a plus. One minute you're standing at the canteen rocking out to "Tattooines hottest hits - Jubbas Jams edition #35" and then all of a sudden BAM, a golden m***********g pimp daddy of a bounty hunter bot just straight up murders the f**k out of you. Possibly then taking your space phone and calling your space b***h to inform her that your p***y ass is grass and he's going to be lubricating her joints later, if you know what he means (which you do).
All up, I honestly think Threepee-ex (oh f**k I did it again isn't it just majestic?) would be a kickass f*****g character and a good counter-character for Threepio.
But that's just my two spacebucks.
You're so wrong about C-3PX. He's badass.
ReplyThe best assassins are the ones that nobody's afraid of ... until it's too late.
I thought Jar-Jar was #1...
ReplyIts characters that werent on film.
Technically, it says "too retarded for film", and I'm sure some would argue that Jar Jar belongs in that category anyway.
Though personally I kinda like him. Complain all you want, but I thought he was funny... Might've had something to do with me being about ten or so last time I saw the movie, but still.
Never seen Clone Wars, don't know a thing about it. But I'm gonna say number five sounds too awesome for film.
ReplyI don't think ooroo and the rabbit jedi master were bad choices. A jedi doesn't necessarily have to use a lightsaber to be considered a jedi (a jedi is someone who controls the force). About ooroo's lightsaber skills, come on, that one is easy. The force allows you to move objects without the need of touching them. Do I need to explain further?
ReplyI get it, lightsaber fights are cool (boobs and explosions, yay!), but these characters are meant to teach us (as yoda was in the first trilogy) that there's more to the jedi order than badass lightsaber fighting.
yeah and bugs bunny regularly outsmarts elmer fudd. wabbits can be pretty f*****g tricky