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If you think the Star Wars saga just encompasses six films and one Christmas special, well, we envy you.

Because the reality is, in the last 30-plus years of Star Wars there have been countless games, comics, novels, cartoons, TV specials and coloring books. And since George Lucas's approval process apparently involves handing a rubber stamp to a five-year-old, this "extended universe" has given us a handful of explosively retarded characters.



From: The novels.

We're not talking about the kid here. The kid is Anakin Solo, the son of Han and Leia. Ikrit is the Trix Rabbit monstrosity sitting on the kid's shoulders, and guess what? That's not his pet, that's his Jedi fucking Master.

This is the post-Return of the Jedi universe, where Jedis in training have the privilege of being taught by Luke "actual for real Jedi" Skywalker. Meanwhile, in a world where the Force can be passed on to a farm boy via Jedi man-batter, the genetically-privileged offspring of two people who spent their first date saving the universe from the forces of evil is being mentored by puss in freaking boots. Hell, why not just send him to public school?

"Non-refundable, your training is."

According to the Junior Jedi Knights series of novels about the Skywalker/Solo children, Ikrit was trained by Yoda centuries before the events in any of the movies, because in the Star Wars universe muppets have a longer lifespan than most modern nations. After somehow passing Jedi School, Ikrit went into exile for 400 years, presumably because someone locked him in a garage without a cat door, before Han's batshit crazy child found him and eagerly accepted the opportunity to be trained by the mystical rodent.

Why He Doesn't Belong:

He could either be running from Darth Vader or a Pokemon Master.

Probably Ikrit's most glaring deficiency would be the lack of opposable thumbs, something a Jedi would find pretty crucial in the operation of a lightsaber. Even Yoda could switch one on and pump up the jams like House Party 3, so as far as we're concerned Ikrit has no excuse. Also, we just can' t picture something that looks this much like a Care Bear going toe to toe against somebody like Darth Vader.


From: Star Wars: The Clone Wars video game

During the Clone Wars (between Episode II: Attack of the Clones and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) Ziro is the most notorious Hutt crime-lord on Coruscant, and he's also totally fabulous.

This tattooed, peacock-feather wearing villain first appeared in The Clone Wars movie as one of the main antagonists, and is Jabba the Hutt's embarrassing uncle. You know, the kind of uncle that shows up at family reunions and makes all of your female cousins really uncomfortable. Ziro speaks English instead of the cool, guttural Huttese language spoken by every other Hutt in a voice that seems more than slightly inspired by the openly gay author Truman Capote. It's also worth noting that Lucas is listed as a Producer of the animated film, which means he was probably at least aware the character existed before the game was released, once again confirming that George Lucas has lost his fucking mind.

"George, I told you a hundred times, it's not a real laser. We don't- Those aren't real, yet, and no one would give you one anyway."

Ziro's voice--along with his fashionably dyed purple skin and luminous yellow tattoos--presumably makes him the first openly homosexual Star Wars character (C-3PO is a robot so he doesn't count) so we guess that's some kind of civil rights milestone. Then again, he spends his time hanging out in his neon-lit apartment (which he describes as his "pleasure palace"), steals baby slugs and uncomfortably strokes his vast army of droid man-slaves. So evidently the first gay Star Wars character also had to be a depraved sexual lunatic.

Why He Doesn't Belong:

Did the first gay Star Wars character have to be a creepy, purple, gangster slug? We're already trying to justify the fantastically racist Jar Jar Binks, the mincing gilded nancybot C-3PO, the vaguely Jewish/Middle Eastern swindler Watto and the fact that Darth Vader suddenly started speaking with the voice of a black man when he turned evil. Give us a little help here, guys.

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Mount Sorrow


The Ewok Adventures (comic)

Meet Mount Sorrow, a sentient, talking mountain on the forest moon of Endor. In the above picture you can see him in his first (and only) appearance in the Ewok Adventures comic book, because as the writers soon realized, it is difficult to make a recurring character out of a giant stationary land mass.

Pictured: Tim Taylor and his original wacky neighbor, The Grand Canyon.

Mount Sorrow is named as such because his tears have the power to cure anyone of any ailment or illness. As luck would have it, he is constantly depressed and near suicidal, probably because he's a fucking rock on a moon full of Ewoks.

Don't worry, big guy. We've all asked Lucas the same question by now.

Why He Doesn't Belong:

OK, the Star Wars universe is a fantastical place. We get it. We just can't imagine a moment in the original trilogy where Luke Skywalker would travel to a world of teddy bears and try to get a talking mountain to cry enough magical tears to heal his severed hand.



Early Star Wars comics.

One of the first characters to appear outside the films, Jaxxon was a daredevil rogue and a smuggler who happened to look like Bucky O'Hare having sex with Marvin the Martian. He was a member of a group called the Star-Hoppers and worshiped something called "the holy hutch," which we assume is space lingo for "Get it? He's a fucking rabbit."

First introduced back in the early Star Wars comics published by Marvel, Jaxxon spent his days gambling, smuggling and outrunning imperial slugs aboard his starship, The Lucky Rabbit's Foot (see space lingo, above). Sound like anyone you know? Yes, Jaxxon was the comics' answer to Han Solo. The two inevitably crossed paths and got into a few crazy adventures which were just as idiotic as you'd imagine.

Why He Doesn't Belong:

As the Star Wars franchise gained in popularity, love of the furry bastard dwindled and Jaxxon boarded his ship in late 1987 and never came back. George Lucas himself has allegedly made clear that he never wants Jaxxon to make another appearance. If they ever build a hall of shame, we have to imagine that "kicked out of the Star Wars universe because George Lucas thinks you're ill-conceived" will get its own wing right next to "getting kicked out of an awards show because Kanye West thinks you're making a scene."

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The Tales of the Jedi comics

If you think you'd be unlucky to wind up with a talking rabbit for a Jedi Master, how about a disembodied brain? First revealed in The Tales of the Jedi comic series, Ooroo was a member of a species with no eyes, ears, limbs or usefulness. Also, his name seems like it was dreamed up during the last harrowing moments of a heated Scrabble game that George Lucas was desperate not to lose.

"George, I really don' t think..."
"Fuck you, that's a word."

As a Master, Ooroo trained many disappointed apprentices. He couldn't speak so he connected to his students telepathically. And he couldn't breathe oxygen so he sat in a water tank all day long. Consequently, he was a master of "Force Float" and "Force Trying-Not-To-Prune."

Ooroo sacrificed himself to save his apprentice from being killed by evil Jedi, blowing up his tank and destroying the villains who had presumably gathered around to point and laugh at him. Before he died, Ooroo told his apprentice that he wished he could float the seas of his home world one last time. When your dying wish is to float in the ocean like a bloated corpse, the sky wasn't exactly the limit for you.

Why He Doesn't Belong:

According to his Wookieepedia page (the Star Wars wiki so nerdily titled that anything harboring a vagina will immediately burst into flames upon reading it), "Ooroo preferred to avoid combat where possible" but he was perfectly able to use a lightsaber.

As awesome as this would be to see, we simply cannot fathom how a floating tentacle brain restricted to a jar of liquid could even hold such a weapon, let alone turn it on. For a universe where Jedi come in all shapes and sizes, we would have thought at least one of the prerequisites to begin training would have been "must possess basic level of motor function higher than a turd in a punchbowl."



The Star Wars: Droids comics

What happens when you take Star Wars' most clumsy, inept and least threatening character and make him into a robot killer? You get C-3PX.

Threepio's cousin is locked, loaded and struggling to walk on uneven ground. First created in the Star Wars: Droids comic series, C-3PX was a protocol droid modified by Darth Maul to become a bounty hunter droid, boasting an armament of 83 weapons and about three moving parts. Oh yeah, he KNEW he was the fucking shit. The Fetts had nothing on this guy.

C-3PX was sent on missions from various masters for two purposes: infiltration and elimination. We shouldn't have to point this out, but a golden, reflective metal droid doesn't exactly scream stealth ninja. You could see the guy from about two miles away, lumbering towards you like Frankenstein's monster and telling people how many languages it's fluent in.

C-3PX's claim to fame came when he met C-3PO in the comics, where the two managed to switch places--with Threepio being mistaken for the assassin (because apparently no one was aware that pieces of technology routinely have more than one model type) and C-3PX trying to get his job back by convincing people he was the REAL murderbot--leading to a parent-trap style twin mix-up rife with hilarious hijinks and madcap consequences (C-3PX dies horribly).

Why He Doesn't Belong:

Unless you're blind, retarded or a bag of Fritos, C-3PX has no chance of assassinating you. Shit, all you'd need to do to escape him is to climb a flight of fucking stairs or toss Salacious Crumb at him to chew his eyeball out. Not even the Ewoks were intimidated by Threepio, and they thought he was a fucking god.

Trying to make a killing machine out of a protocol droid is like tying a grenade launcher to a housecat. An assassin can't inspire fear if your first instinct is to laugh at it and your second is to just push it over.

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For more idiocy from the Star Wars universe, check out 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball. Or find out what happened to some of your favorite rebels and imperials, in Where Aren't They Now?: 5 Post-Star Wars Careers Almost as Pathetic as Mark Hamill's.

And stop by our Top Picks to see Gladstone pretend that he's Darth Maul.

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