6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen
#3.
Maple "Syrup"
Long ago, when Canada mattered, it provided the world with a nearly endless supply of beaver puns and maple syrup. Lumberjacks and mounties had their fill of both and the rest of the world was green with envy. Nowadays the syrup industry has been quietly hijacked by terrorists like Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth and their crew of maple fakers who can't be bothered to suck sweet, sticky goo out of trees (that sentence is so ripe with innuendo we refuse to even exploit it).
Speaking of exploitation...
Oh, they would like to still convey the image of a down-home operation involving buckets tied to tree trunks to catch the syrup that oozes out. They may even sneak some trees onto the label.
But what's in it? Most brands are just water, high fructose corn syrup, caramel coloring and various chemicals. Yeah, you could pretty much make the shit yourself in about five minutes. Though at least the log cabin people have switched from high-fructose corn syrup to actual sugar.
"First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women."
A company in Quebec, where this impostor syrup bullshit is still taken seriously, stirred up some trouble earlier in the year when they started selling fake syrup in containers nearly identical to the ones that contain actual maple syrup, confusing the easily muddled syrup buying populace into purchasing the wrong thing. That is, the thing most people thought they were getting this whole time.
It Could be Worse...
Last year, news outlets in China claimed that street vendors selling pork dumplings were actually stuffing them with wet cardboard flavored with pork juice, just like mom used to pack for lunches after a particularly rough bender.
After the news hit, the Chinese government was quick to say the entire story was false and the reporter who had uncovered it all on hidden camera was arrested for making a up such a damaging and lie-filled tale about a country that would never allow such chicanery to occur. Shortly thereafter they made children's Tylenol out of asbestos and then oppressed a few million peasants for no reason.
#2.
Ginseng
Ever since energy drinks that taste like a mixture of Mountain Dew and ball sweat hit the ground running, much of the western world has been taken with herbal energy boosters, things like yohimbe, guarana and ginseng, because you can never convince an idiot that something is dangerous if it's "natural," no matter how much blood leaks from their ass after eating Hemlock salad.
"I bet all this blood in my stool is from that damn pasteurized milk."
The thing about herbal supplements, however, is that they're not regulated by the FDA, and the ingredients don't have to pass any kind of inspection for quality. It could be anything in there. It could be sawdust. It could be ground up issues of Bulgarian porno mags. And it often is.
What a waste.
Maybe not the Bulgarian porn, but according to one study in Britain of 50 different supplements sold, six didn't even have ginseng in them and one even had ephedrine, apparently because the makers wanted to scam their customers but still wanted them to have an accelerated heart rate and a chance at death.
Hey, a placebo is a placebo, right?
It Could be Worse...
Depending on where you stand on the issue, this may not be worse, but some herbal medications out of (guess where) China, reportedly for weight loss, apparently contain more than the expected amount of sildenafil. More being any at all, as sildenafil is the generic name for Viagra and arguably while humping your way to a slimmer waist line is a potential way to get results, the product probably wasn't advertised that way.
Of course the bigger question is, why wasn't it?
#1.
Strawberry Flavoring
Making something taste like strawberries seems like a bit of a no-brainer. Now, most of us aren't naive enough to think that the Nesquik Bunny is squeezing fresh strawberries into every batch of powder. But, you know, you get some dehydrated strawberries or even the parts of strawberries other people didn't want to eat. Hell, even ground up strawberry stems wouldn't shock our jaded imagination.
But knowing big business as you do, you should not be surprised to learn they refuse to do things the old fashioned way. Strawberry flavor not only doesn't involve fresh strawberries, it doesn't involve anything that's even been in the same room as a strawberry.
In fact, strawberry flavoring (like the kind you get in fast food milkshakes) is a mix of about 50 separate chemicals and none of them have berry in the name. They include:
Amyl acetate, amyl butyrate, amyl valerate, anethol, anisyl formate, benzyl acetate, benzyl isobutyrate, butyric acid, cinnamyl isobutyrate, cinnamyl valerate, cognac essential oil, diacetyl, dipropyl ketone, ethyl acetate, ethyl amyl ketone, ethyl butyrate, ethyl cinnamate, ethyl heptanoate, ethyl heptylate, ethyl lactate, ethyl methylphenylglycidate, ethyl nitrate, ethyl propionate, ethyl valerate, heliotropin, hydroxyphenyl-2-butanone (10 percent solution in alcohol), a-ionone, isobutyl anthranilate, isobutyl butyrate, lemon essential oil, maltol, 4-methylacetophenone, methyl anthranilate, methyl benzoate, methyl cinnamate, methyl heptine carbonate, methyl naphthyl ketone, methyl salicylate, mint essential oil, neroli essential oil, nerolin, neryl isobutyrate, orris butter, phenethyl alcohol, rose, rum ether, g-undecalactone, vanillin, and solvent.
But it does have orris butter, the most delicious butter you can squeeze from an orris, whatever the fuck that is.
This is an orris known for its butter production, apparently.
On the plus side, amongst the many ingredients found in your strawberry flavoring are things like diacetyl. Hey, remember that one? That was the stuff that made the popcorn guy sick.
It Could be Worse...
If strawberry's not your flavor and you're more into spice, you could try to add a bit of curry powder to add an Indian flair, the only downside being that occasionally Indian spices are doctored with substances like lead chromate--which improves color--to sawdust to make it bulkier or actual dried cow shit, which if it improves anything really speaks poorly for the quality of the spice to begin with.
"And some powdered cow shit for the lady?"
Oh, and do you like wasabi, that exotic spicy green Japanese paste you can get with sushi? Well, you've likely never had it. The vast majority of wasabi is just regular old horse radish mixed with green food coloring.
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Who in their right mind actually cares that a lot of this stuff is fake as long as it's edible ? Do you think I lose sleep wondering if I'm putting real maple syrup on my pancakes or not ? Have you ever bothered to see how REAL cheese is made ? The way REAL cheese is made would be enough to gross out a lot of people and it's no worse than how artificial cheese is made, it's just as healthy too but typically cheaper.
ReplyI thought there was a reason strawberry flavoring tasted worse than any other artificial flavor. Yick. But really, you just posted a long list of ingredients without looking at them: cognac essential oil, lemon essential oil, mint essential oil, rose and vanillin are totally fine ingredients.
ReplyWell, shit! Brockway was right. Everything IS going to kill everybody. (re: lead chromate)
ReplyThe fake things in this article may taste inferior, but as far as being grossed out or angry, so what?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes, fake crab meat is made out of mashed up fish. What do you think actual CRABS are made out of? They make their own meat out of animals they find washed up on the beach. Yes, it tastes better, but you didn't need to be told that.
The same (or worse) goes for fake cheese. Oil and water may not taste as good as real cheese, but it's hardly deserving of a "get-it-out-of-the-kitchen!" shocker. And if you were already happy eating fake "american" cheese and want a reason to go back to it after reading this article... get a piece of real cheese and a microscope. BARF.
And what's the deal with complaining that the red color in fake crab meat is made of insect shells? The author of this article is disappointed to not be eating real CRABS, but a sprinkling of insect protein is verboten?
They taste inferior as you said. That is so what. Crab is mashed up fish? So you are mashed up dick, or whatever you ate last? Are you feeding the homeless by pulling Big Macs out of your armpits? I didn't think so. But while you are running about willy-nilly popping things in your mouth, I got this plan to save water by reducing my toilet flushes. So open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise!
I enjoy imitation crap sticks as a snack. I hate fish, and yeah I get that imitation is just random fishes but don't care since it doesn't taste all fishy.
Hell, if they injected fish with that favor I might actually eat *real* fish instead!
Uh Ron... imitation crab is usually fake pollock - and it is evident by the fact that it looks and takes nothing like regular pollock (you can even pull it apart in layers) that it is obviously "chopped/mashed, pressed, and formed" - just like most every other meat product in the market these days.
"pasteurized processed sandwich slices"
Replyf**k yeah. pass the artificial mustard and mayo, please.
unless there is strawberry syrup in my ketchup I don't have any of those things. Seriously, all i have is bread, tofu, fresh fruit and veggies, organic milk, ketchup, garlic, EVOO, butter, and some chocolate chip cookies.
Replystill looking for the part of the article that asked us to post pretentious shopping lists in the comments.
Use of the term EVOO automatically discredits anything you have to say.
As a Marylander, we live off crab during the summer; imitation crab meat cannot compare. Like licking a buttered gym sock...
ReplyThen enjoy finding out most of our restaurants import the crabs from other countries, as we have severely overcrabbed the bay. But hey at least when there's none left in the Chesapeake we... um, wait no there isn't a fun joke for that.
i like fake crab better than real, maybe i havent had good real tho
ReplyThis article mentions the very mistake it makes. The author jokes about people believing things must be healthy because it's natural, but the rest of the article is mostly about things being unhealthy because they have a chemical name. OOOH, strawberry flavoring has lots of chemicals in it. So? If you broke down real strawberries to find out what made them taste the way they do then those chemicals would have all sorts of funny names too. I don't expect my Cracked articles to get all the details right, but I do expect the premise to at least make sense.
ReplyI haven't even taken a whole semester of organic chemistry and I already recognize most of those compounds. Not a big deal.
Real strawberries are mostly composed of basic minerals, fructose and an aromatic sextet, providing the smell. They aren't made up of the nightmarish cocktail posted in the article.
wasabi can really only grow on like this specific mountainside in japan. it costs $100/lb and is traditionally grated on sharkskin just before serving. im not surprised that nugget next to my sushi is not the real thing!
Reply"Wasabi... grows naturally along stream beds in mountain river valleys in Japan." It's cultivated in shitloads of places, and not, as you suggest, "like this specific mountainside in japan."
congrats, you can click links and regurgitate the source material back to us, you win at college.
I actually like strawberry flavouring better than strawberries.
ReplyIt doesn't taste much like strawberries, but neither does chocolate, or crab meat (real or otherwise), or honey, or pizza..
Worst thing is, I have all of these in my kitchen. I can feel them breathing...but I'm not sure if I want to throw them out or not because they taste so damn GOOD. :(
Replyim fed up of everyone having a dig at surimi (do you guys know jamie oliver?) at the end of the day its another animal product thats being used and enjoyed instead of thrown away. i live in thailand and surimi is very tame compared to most peoples day to day diet.
ReplyDon't see why a "slurry of lumpy, white awfulness" is a problem. Most people seem to like porridge (take oats, which are tasty, and milk, which is tasty, cook them together and you get slime with lumps in that tastes of /nothing/ and somehow contrives to still taste of nothing even when you add more honey after every mouthful until the last few spoonfuls are more honey than porridge. It's some kind of flavour black hole.)
ReplyAnd that fake crab meat tastes great.
Strawberry Flavoring....Yum!!
ReplyI'm actually pretty okay with mayple flavoured syrup. In australia good luck getting the real stuff.
ReplyI finally talked my family into switching from 3 buck a container "syrup" to the expensive stuff because I read the label to them. When they realized "maple" and "syrup" didn't appear anywhere in the ingredients list, they were horrified. Granted, 12 bucks for a smaller container is bullshit, but at least it's actual syrup.
Reply#1 doesn't surprise me, not since my AP Chem teacher promised us we would make apple flavoring out of the the stuff in his stock cabinet.
ReplyI once saw what the containers of 'butter' under the counter looked like... it was nothing but a filthy bucket full of congealed grease, and the guy behind the counter was using like this.. heating stick or something to make all the caked grease wax or whatever melt.... f*****g gross.. my grandmother loves that s**t but to me it doesn't even have taste.. its like cardboard..if it was liquid and left a sad greasy film of shame on your lips.
ReplyWho the f**k even likes Junior Mints?
ReplyJunior Mints are awesome.