The 5 Most Horrific Ways People Have Tried to Discourage Sex

#2. Publicly Outing Virgins and Sinners

When wanting to either stop someone from engaging in a shameful activity, or encourage "correct" behavior, an effective method is public acknowledgment and/or humiliation. Shame motivates almost as well as the promise of free tacos. Imagine if you had to always wear a shirt that displayed on it a tic-mark for every time you have masturbated; you'd either stop masturbating or, more likely, just never go outside again. At least not without a team of guys to help you drag around a shirt the size of one of those advertising banners they tie to airplanes.

Who Did It (and What in God's Name was Wrong with Them)?

The Scarlet Letter, though fictional, does detail the real Puritanical practice of sewing an "A" on the breast of women that fornicated outside of wedlock or, as the Puritans called it, "fucking like badgers. Outside of wedlock." In fact, this punishment became law in Puritan society in 1694 as a measure of leniency, since the punishment up to that point was either public whipping or death.

These days, where massive public shame is slightly less tolerated, abstinence rings have taken over as the unnecessarily and voluntary public method of displaying one's sexual predilections, narrowly beating out Abercrombie and Fitch's "I enjoy fisting" shirts. Generally worn on the ring finger in place of a wedding ring, abstinence rings let the world know you plan on humping absolutely no one until you're married. The world, in turn, continues to not give a shit.


"So you're not getting married OR fucking anyone? Hey what an interesting way to waste my time, you asshole."

While this appears fairly innocuous at first, it seems obvious that the goal is to make wearing of the rings so universal that not displaying one becomes the scarlet letter of slutdom.

It also seems rather questionable that you have teenagers publicly broadcasting the status of their respective dongs and vaginas when the only people apt to care are the sort that you probably don't want knowing about your teen's sex life.

#1. Castration

When all else fails, remove the testicles. And not in a metaphorical Guy Ritchie-way. Like literally taking the balls off. Which may have actually happened to Guy Ritchie, come to think of it.

Who Did It (and What in God's Name was Wrong with Them)?

Sometimes monks did it voluntarily to stay celibate, sometimes it was done as punishment for crimes and sometimes it was done over the course of an entire day with knives and pliers to torture dudes who really pissed someone off. However, when wanting to read the most metal story about castration you need to look no farther than Boston Corbett.

Boston Corbett was a hatter in the 1850s. After becoming a born-again Christian, Corbett felt conflicted about his past life which included a deep rooted love of whores. Moving away from a major city, exercising will-power and vigorous fapping were all ideas that never occurred to Corbett, who decided the solution was to remove his own balls. With scissors.


Like this, but worse in every way possible.

After giving the twins the closest shave ever, Corbett did what any batshit crazy and newly balless man would do and headed out to prayer group, perhaps to send his nuts off to the great beyond with a kind word. Then, since self-castration works up an appetite, he had dinner. Then he took a walk to enjoy the breeze on his gaping crotch hole. By now it had been a few hours since the castration and it finally struck Corbett that maybe he should have a doctor take a look at the massive scissor wound that now existed where his scrotum used to connect to his body. We assume the session consisted of the long silences interrupted by the doctor shaking his head and saying, "Dude... " every five minutes or so.

Corbett went on to join the Union army as soon as the Civil War started and re-enlist three times as the Milky Way in an army full of Snickers. Eventually, he became a part of the squad assigned to find John Wilkes Booth and was the one to put a bullet in his spine, ending the life of Lincoln's assassin.

You know, it's not easy for us to say this, but it totally looks like it was his balls that were holding him back.

Have an idea for an article? Think you're funny? Just go here and sign up. No experience necessary.

For fetishes where the practitioners should try one of the above methods, check out 5 Incredibly Impractical Sexual Fetishes. Or find out about some sex toys that might make a person abstinent after one use, in The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

And stop by Twitter to get previews of upcoming articles and trick your friends into thinking you're psychic.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

480 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!