The 5 Most Horrific Ways People Have Tried to Discourage Sex

About 95 percent of everything males have ever done has been with one goal in mind: to impress the ladies and hopefully get one of them to touch their wiener. But parallel to that runs an alternate universe of people whose entire goal is to stop themselves or others from having sex.

How far would they go? Horribly, disgustingly far. No, some of this is not for the faint of heart.

Male infibulation is the technical term for a procedure that basically wires your dick shut to prevent sex or masturbation. It was usually done by pulling the foreskin over the head of the penis and clamping it to the other side using a metal ring or stitches. Wait, was this something they did on purpose, or was it like a fraternity prank they pulled on passed-out dudes?

And... how do you take a leak?

Who Did It (and What in God's Name was Wrong with Them)?

In Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome, the last thing a slave owner wanted was to have his slaves fornicating and masturbating when they could be out picking grapes or being killed by lions for entertainment. Thanks to infibulations their penises were rendered useless as it kept them from even thinking about sex since just getting a semi chub would have hurt like hell.

The practice branched beyond the slave trade towards the fine arts as well. Greeks and Romans enjoyed their live shows but hated big, floppy cock head. This was an issue since most public performances were done in the nude. The solution? Rather than something sensible like tiny hats or a fig leaf; musicians, athletes and comedians opted to do the least logical thing possible and infibulated themselves. Thus the head was obscured allowing for the modesty of these ancient cultures to not be tarnished as they made their way to the state-run orgy.

A tradition that lives on today.

Then in the 1870s, masturbation became a popular scapegoat for most forms of physical and mental anguish such as insanity and epilepsy--which makes sense if you think about all the times you jerk yourself into a fit of seizures. A Welsh physician named David Yellowlees thought he would set up shop as a male infibulator in an effort to stop these masturbators.

While this sounds like almost as bad of a business venture as pets.com, Yellowlees actually found himself with a number of volunteers for the procedure. We're going to guess they were responding to some ads with very unclear wording.

A chastity belt is a harness that is made to fit around the waist, blocking access to the naughty parts, thus preventing sex. Kinda like wearing a Star Trek belt.

Who Did It (and What in God's Name was Wrong with Them)?

The chastity belt is by far the most romanticized and exaggerated of all the sexual suppressing devices, and romanticizing a rusty crotch locker is harder than you'd think.

They have often been portrayed as elegant devices voluntarily worn by a devoted if insatiably horny and untrustworthy wife waiting for her husband to return from the crusades. In reality they tend to look pretty horrifying.

Jesus. Are those teeth?

Outside of a few rare cases, chastity belts were typically used as a measure of self-defense against medieval crotch warfare rather than as a means to subjugate women. The term "chastity belt" has been used since the Crusades in a metaphorical way to mean the chaste vows between a man and wife, but the literal metal cooch barrier is much rarer.

The first recorded usage of an actual chastity belt was in Florence in 1405 on what we assume was a slow news day.

The use of chastity belts to prevent consensual sex did not exist until the 1700s and lasted until about 1930. They were typically fitted on teen girls in order to keep them virgins until marriage. It was also handy to keep them from masturbating, which of course was a leading cause of infertility and demonic possession of the vulva.

The only other area that chastity belts have found a sex-preventative use was in England, in the 19th century, as a way to avoid sexual harassment in the workplace. From this we can assume that 150 years ago, men were a lot more direct with their sexual harassment, apparently opting to forgo a "your tits look great in that sweater" morning greeting for some surprise coitus by the water cooler.

History teaches us that virgins are valuable, if for no other reason than angry volcano gods all seem to find them delicious.

The perceived benefits to a prospective husband would lead to larger dowries and the chance to marry a wealthier man. Hell, the British Royal Family blatantly came out and said that the "virginal status" of Diana Spencer was a huge factor in their selection of her to marry Prince Charles. But all of this amounts to nothing if we have fake virgins running about all willy nilly. Someone needed to devise a test to make sure.

We'll check. With our dongs.

Who Did It (and What in God's Name was Wrong with Them)?

The basic virginity test was proof of a hymen. Old timey people used to prove a bride's status as a virgin by displaying the bloodied wedding sheets the day after the marriage (though that also seems like it could be the sign of a chastity belt penis mauling). Yes, nothing shows your husband that you love him more than flying your hymen sheets at his in-laws house for a few weeks.

Another type of virginity test used in some parts of Africa involved a group of women deemed "virginity testers," who would examine girls of marital age and determine if they were virginal or not. Brides-to-be that were declared certified, grade A virgins were not only worth the extra dowry, but came with the bonus knowledge that they'd been groped by a group of creepy old ladies. Sometimes the exam consisted of a search for a hymen, sort of a vaginated Where's Waldo, but other times it would be determined by the sound of the woman's urine stream, as it's well known that brazen hussies have very splashy pee.

"Mom, Cynthia pees just like a whore."

Speaking of urine, another type of virginity test was put forth in Pliny the Elder's History of the World, in which he claimed to have invented a virgin potion. All a woman had to do was drink it and then not whiz. He believed that the more sex a woman had, the shorter amount of time she could hold her pee. Remember this next time you are at the bar and see a girl going to the restroom every 10 minutes.