8 Insane Ways Parents Are Politically Brainwashing Children
It used to be that the only thing kids had to worry about were cooties, homework and closet-monsters, but those innocent days are over. There's a war, dammit. A culture war.
Soon the red states and the blue states are going to erupt into the kind of hot purple mess previously only experienced by Prince's bedmates and Grimus's toilet. Are your kids prepared for the onslaught? If not, here's a few ways to make sure junior ends up on the same side as Mom and Dad, no matter who you hate!
#8.
Right Wing Kids' T-Shirts
It's time to show the country how upside down things have gotten: The Democrats control both the White House and Congress, a Latina woman (you know, those things that maids are?) just got appointed to the Supreme Court and the President wasn't even born in this country!
What better way to show your disapproval than with that last bastion of eloquent thought, infant and toddler right-wing T-shirts from Cafe Press! Not only are they a fantastic way to advertise your status as a Female Body Inspector, they're also a perfect medium for expressing your complex political opinions using only a sentence fragment.
Now, surely you'll change thousands of minds when people see your "NObama" T-shirt, but think of the impact it'll make when your four-year-old wears one! "God," those staunch liberal baby-eaters will think to themselves, "even toddlers hate Obama. This guy can't be good."
"Join Obama's Brownshirts? No thanks, comrade! I've got a shirt already. But I hope you're wearing a helmet 'cause I think it might blow your mind."
#7.
Left Wing Kids' T-Shirts
Can you believe those Republican assholes who dress their kids in politically-themed T-shirts pushing their own conservative agenda? What a shameless exploitation of children! Plus, they're totally wrong! Well, clearly the only course of action is to fight fire with fire by putting your preschooler in a T-shirt with the real truth on it!
Skreened.com is your one-stop shop for expressing hatred of everything from Christians to Republicans (ha! Like they're different things!). Sure, there are your garden variety "I Heart Obama shirts," but why just support your side, when you can knock down theirs instead? Take, for example, this sweet little ensemble:
There's no more tasteful, respectful way to politely disagree with organized religion than to swaddle your child with an image of a beaver gnawing on a cross. But if that's a little on the tame side for you (and if it is, thanks for reading, Keith Olbermann!) have your fourth grader really stick it to the God fans while simultaneously making a cheap crack about the greatest American tragedy in recent memory:
It's guaranteed to incite tears of rage in any puritanical Bible-thumper, and tears of laughter from all your friends down at the vegan co-op!
#6.
ConservativeKids.net
So, where is a conservative child to go online in their search for chasteness, purity and fiscal responsibility? ConservativeKids.net!
The right-wing website with all the "right" moves! Where you can learn about things like:
Immigration: "Democrats want to legalize these criminals because they want a new under-class of welfare recipients to vote for them."
Abortion: "...simply the killing of an unborn baby that is alive in its mother."
Liberals: "Liberals don't think people are capable of choosing their own lifestyle, so they pass laws that tell people what they can and can't eat and drink, where they can live, what they can listen to on the radio or watch on TV, what kinds of cars they will drive and how parents should raise their kids ."
"Oh wow the- Oh, sorry, Billy, the LIBERALS deem this unsuitable."
Your little one will have hours of fun learning about how the Left will kill poor people, erase civil rights and doom us all to a lifetime of eating socialist cabbage soup while wearing drab, shapeless uni-tards and standing in week-long lines for mismatched shoes.
After a single afternoon on ConservativeKids.net, your children will be armed with the talking points to argue with confidence about the need for closed borders, the abolishment of gay marriage and the evils of public healthcare!
Public health care.
Admittedly, they'll get their teeth punched in for it, because the other children would rather play foursquare than listen to conservative tirades, but that builds character! And really, how else will they prepare for a life-time of ostracization by the oppressive liberal media?
#5.
PETA For Kids
It's easy enough to raise your own kids to be vegetarians: You buy the food, after all. If the only two options are Tofurkey or starve, well, kids'll probably choose the former eventually. But teaching them to endlessly harangue others with self-righteous diatribes about the evils of animal products is a mechanically separated chicken of a different blood-soaked feather.
Luckily, there's PetaKids.com, a website full of fun facts, like detailing the operation of leg hold traps, and how chickens can actually "mourn" their dead. Plus you can download some sweet (pun so intended) anti-honey IM Buddy icons!
"Buzzy the Bee says: Slavery is illegal, for all creatures!"
PetaKids.com will also put your children right up there on the Animal Rights frontlines (already on par with the likes of such advanced activists as "the College Sophomore who's simply exhausted every other option to get pussy") with downloadable "Activist missions," like the Chicken McNugget McCruelty Mission!
Or, KFC Cruelty, where... where this happens.
To complete said mission, all you have to do is embed a gory video of chickens being slaughtered on your MySpace page! Not only can you show the world what a sadistic fuck Ronald McDonald really is, but you can get free stickers, too!
Ironically, an NC amendment one ad decided to pop in.
ReplyThere ARE other political parties, you know.
ReplyThanks for the article. Because of it, I just signed my kids up for Camp Quest. What a great idea!
ReplyTo Disturbedpixie: "If they were, maybe I'd like them better, because it would sure be nice to have a president with any other faith than Christian." I'm sorry...have you researched some of the other religions out there? I'm not trying to say that our President must be a Christian, but I am pointing out the fairly evident flaw in your particular reasoning. The problems I assume you have with Christianity (as hinted at in your second-to-last sentence) are typically present in many other of the world's popular religions, and at the very least Christianity puts an emphasis on peace where some others do otherwise. Do some studying and internal analysis of your motivations before you make such a blanket statement. It makes you look like the type of person who would vote simply based on novelty "Oh! We haven't had one of those before! How refreshing!"
ReplyWhat I think is funny is Geoff makes fun of how liberals assume Republicans are all Christians, but then why do all the Republican examples on here talk about faith? I mean, come on, they're at least mostly Christian if they can easily throw that into any Republican themed website, book, or summer camp. It's not like that is a common theme for liberals, and I know Democrats in particular are not commonly Atheist either. If they were, maybe I'd like them better, because it would sure be nice to have a president with any other faith than Christian. Anyways, both parties don't even fight for what they claim they fight for. Like Republicans try to stay out of people's business?--that's why they ban gay marriage and marijuana use, huh? Yeah, that's freedom?
Reply"If they were, maybe I'd like them better, because it would sure be nice to have a president with any other faith than Christian." I'm sorry...have you researched some of the other religions out there? I'm not trying to say that our President must be a Christian, but I am pointing out the fairly evident flaw in your particular reasoning. The problems I assume you have with Christianity (as hinted at in your second-to-last sentence) are typically present in many other of the world's popular religions, and at the very least Christianity puts an emphasis on peace where some others do otherwise. Do some studying and internal analysis of your motivations before you make such a blanket statement. It makes you look like the type of person who would vote simply based on novelty: "Oh! We haven't had one of those before! How refreshing!"
Haha awesome article! I have nothing against atheists but every atheist organization I've encountered seems to be full of close-minded, passive-aggressive assholes. "Believe what you want as long as its NOTHING!"
ReplyWhat kind of circles do you travel in that you are habitually encountering atheist organizations? Okay, MAYBE a college campus. You've probably encountered a plenty of atheists and haven't known it, because--like cool, progressive Christians, they don't go around squawkin' about it.
Camp Quest, here I come! Is 26 too old?
ReplyI was thinking the same thing.. Well, as long as there's an adults only section. The last thing I want to do is go to a camp full of kids. :)
The US has gone insane , cartoonishly stupid politicians utterly obsessed with gay marriage(an issue as controversial as toast in Canada/Europe) and a meeja(you dont really have a media anymore) more interested in celebrity weight gain than health care.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThis isnt a slam I mean it , you have collectively gone insane.
Why isnt Ted Nugent in a mental hospital ?
In America we have something called freedom of speech, so people like Ted Nugent can believe what they want to believe without the threat of being put in an institution like Canada/Europe apparently does.
Nugent threatened to kill the President.
Sometimes people should be sectioned for their own safety and the safety of others.
@grange: Really? He didn't threaten to kill the President. Do some research before you quote your pony-tailed professor. He said, "We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November" and that he [Ted] would be "dead or in jail by this time next year" if Obama is re-elected. Those are metaphors, not threats.
If arresting people based on comments like these actually happened (which is why he was investigated, but not charged, by the Secret Service), EVERYBODY would be in prison.
@sven gold
what does the metaphor
"dead or in jail by this time next year if Obama is re-elected" mean ?
You forgot #9: Ignorantly assume and promote the idea that there are only two possible points of view.
ReplyPeople in other countries know what most Americans can't figure out: you need at least three political parties to have a real democracy. A two party state is no different than a one party state because it always has a majority government. Multiparty democracies often have minority governments (that has nothing to do with skin colour) which means you need concensus from the people and parties, not bribes from business, if you want to get anything done.
That would be nice, and trust that many Americans would love to have at least 3 major parties, but everyone is too afraid to vote for another party out of fear of wasting their vote and getting the despised party elected instead of the lesser of two evils. I wish we could get around that, and all agree to vote for what we believe in instead of voting for the douche or the turd sandwich. I'm sure tired of it, and sometimes dream of moving far far away.
I think the lesson here is to let your own children decide. Sure you can tell them what you believe and see if they'll agree, but you have to give them freedom. my parents had me in a Catholic school from 3-9 years old and my mom really doesn't give a damn that I quit being Christian and that I'm still trying to find my own beliefs
ReplyOh dear you Americans have gone insane
ReplyI'd try and insult you crazy whoever-you-ares but... you're kinda right...
That, is correct. We're all batshit insane over here
ReplyI am glad to check the article. I am a professional woman. I am just divorced. I lo ve younger men. I am dat ing a man who is 25 year old. he's caring, kind, has a real job that earns him good money and he is very attractive. I think younger men like cougars because they have no agenda, don't usually want to get married and are usually very independent and don't need a man to take care of them.I meet the younger men on this place COUGARKISS,C 0 M.
is atheist camp any worse than bible camp or camp jesus?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo, but I think that was the point of the article. *Anything* that tries to indoctrinate children in this specific and targeted way - rather than giving them information, rational critical thinking skills, and some fairly basic points about not hurting people as far as is possible, and letting them decide for themselves after hearing many opinions - is tantamount to child abuse. It was a fairly even-handed article, really. He did mention that in 'Camp American', part of it was 'returning Jesus to the government'.
Are we walking general idea or specific? Because the bible camp I had gone to was a very nice not ultra-religious camp, but I know those exist.
I went to a christian summer camp, and while it wasn't scary like in the film "Jesus Camp", it was annoying as hell. Always being told to pray, and ask Jesus for forgiveness, and to not bring up other faiths, and having to listen to cheezy christian music. And then when a counselor molested me and my friends, and he was allowed to stay as long as he said he was sorry, because he is a member of their church, so he can't be that bad, I knew THAT it IS bad. You can't assume someone is a good person because they go to church, and the false belief that Christian camps or churches are automatically safe havens puts children at risk. Everybody, no matter what their beliefs need to make sure their Children are with good people, and faith has nothing to do with it.
It's a sad commentary on society when the acknowledgement that the other side in political beliefs are decent people passes off as intellectual sophistication.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies+1 Insightful
-1 misjudged - since when is cracked 'intellectual sophistication'?
Cracked can be intellectual and sophisticated! Or... intellectual... when it wants to be.
I would live in the woods for a week looking for that unicorn. Then I would claim I had found it, and kept its intangible horn in my sack.
ReplyI hate your so-called 'reasoning', sir, but I can't fault your talent at mischief. Well played.
" you see, I found where it lived by measuring the growth of aetherberry in the area. I then took my incorporeal knife ans sawed off the intangible horn to keep in my hyperspace storage sack"
Okay, I walked into an article written by a future (or present) serial killer. Calm down Geoff - take a deep breath - it'll be okay.
ReplyExtremes are bad. No matter which side you lean towards (i would also argue there are more than two sides) any extreme is a bad thing. It is impossible to hold a conversation with either extreme. Their minds are so unflinchingly closed that you cannot even converse with them. I am a Libertarian (card carrying!!!) i agree with parts of what either side has to say. Still, I don't even talk politics with people i know are on the poles of political thought. You just can't do it. It is ruining this country. Compromise is rendered impossible. Blah blah. Sorry for the rant...to lessen the seriousness of this post please let me offer the following----> Fart.
ReplyI wish I'd had an athiesm camp to go to when I was a kid, and get a brief respite from the mental torture of growing up with hyper-religious parents for 18 years. But I agree that lots of people take it too far.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI think a science camp would have been better. Less smug, and probably more interesting :) I went through the same thing, trust me; I have science partly to thank for saving me from insanity :) I know what you mean though.
GOod thing that Camp Quest is not an atheist camp but rather a science camp then, don't you think?
BigCheese, really? Then why would they be mentioning god if they were just a science camp and not reactionary atheists?
In so called "Third World country" like mine,I thought we only have got Dumb politician and Jackass people following political party. Now,when i read the comment section of "best site cracked" and USA Presidential candidate policy I feel very good.I am Happy to find that "so called ~First World Country~ doesn't mean Intelligent people".
Reply*People will never learn the lesson ~ Not his/her speech but leaders action matters most.*
Everyone's basically the same the world over, with the same problems :) We need to work together against lying politicians and corrupt governments!
America is much smarter than your deadbeat country,
"pagan connection to the radical environmental movement."
ReplyMaybe that has something to do with the fact many of those (like Wicca) are enviromently based.
Still though... is that really the biggest threat? The fact that some tree-huggers love trees? What is this implying, that witchcraft is being used against the American People? (I am such a tree-hugger, by the way; we're not f*****g casting spells on government, despite the warnings of certain pro-nutjob camps. Most of us are quite ineffectual; in this way we are like the rest of man.)