It used to be that the only thing kids had to worry about were cooties, homework and closet-monsters, but those innocent days are over. There's a war, dammit. A culture war.
Soon the red states and the blue states are going to erupt into the kind of hot purple mess previously only experienced by Prince's bedmates and Grimus's toilet. Are your kids prepared for the onslaught? If not, here's a few ways to make sure junior ends up on the same side as Mom and Dad, no matter who you hate!
#8. Right Wing Kids' T-Shirts
It's time to show the country how upside down things have gotten: The Democrats control both the White House and Congress, a Latina woman (you know, those things that maids are?) just got appointed to the Supreme Court and the President wasn't even born in this country!
What better way to show your disapproval than with that last bastion of eloquent thought, infant and toddler right-wing T-shirts from Cafe Press! Not only are they a fantastic way to advertise your status as a Female Body Inspector, they're also a perfect medium for expressing your complex political opinions using only a sentence fragment.
Now, surely you'll change thousands of minds when people see your "NObama" T-shirt, but think of the impact it'll make when your four-year-old wears one! "God," those staunch liberal baby-eaters will think to themselves, "even toddlers hate Obama. This guy can't be good."
"Join Obama's Brownshirts? No thanks, comrade! I've got a shirt already. But I hope you're wearing a helmet 'cause I think it might blow your mind."
#7. Left Wing Kids' T-Shirts
Can you believe those Republican assholes who dress their kids in politically-themed T-shirts pushing their own conservative agenda? What a shameless exploitation of children! Plus, they're totally wrong! Well, clearly the only course of action is to fight fire with fire by putting your preschooler in a T-shirt with the real truth on it!
Skreened.com is your one-stop shop for expressing hatred of everything from Christians to Republicans (ha! Like they're different things!). Sure, there are your garden variety "I Heart Obama shirts," but why just support your side, when you can knock down theirs instead? Take, for example, this sweet little ensemble:
There's no more tasteful, respectful way to politely disagree with organized religion than to swaddle your child with an image of a beaver gnawing on a cross. But if that's a little on the tame side for you (and if it is, thanks for reading, Keith Olbermann!) have your fourth grader really stick it to the God fans while simultaneously making a cheap crack about the greatest American tragedy in recent memory:
It's guaranteed to incite tears of rage in any puritanical Bible-thumper, and tears of laughter from all your friends down at the vegan co-op!
So, where is a conservative child to go online in their search for chasteness, purity and fiscal responsibility? ConservativeKids.net!
The right-wing website with all the "right" moves! Where you can learn about things like:
Immigration: "Democrats want to legalize these criminals because they want a new under-class of welfare recipients to vote for them."
Abortion: "...simply the killing of an unborn baby that is alive in its mother."
Liberals: "Liberals don't think people are capable of choosing their own lifestyle, so they pass laws that tell people what they can and can't eat and drink, where they can live, what they can listen to on the radio or watch on TV, what kinds of cars they will drive and how parents should raise their kids ."
"Oh wow the- Oh, sorry, Billy, the LIBERALS deem this unsuitable."
Your little one will have hours of fun learning about how the Left will kill poor people, erase civil rights and doom us all to a lifetime of eating socialist cabbage soup while wearing drab, shapeless uni-tards and standing in week-long lines for mismatched shoes.
After a single afternoon on ConservativeKids.net, your children will be armed with the talking points to argue with confidence about the need for closed borders, the abolishment of gay marriage and the evils of public healthcare!
Public health care.
Admittedly, they'll get their teeth punched in for it, because the other children would rather play foursquare than listen to conservative tirades, but that builds character! And really, how else will they prepare for a life-time of ostracization by the oppressive liberal media?
#5. PETA For Kids
It's easy enough to raise your own kids to be vegetarians: You buy the food, after all. If the only two options are Tofurkey or starve, well, kids'll probably choose the former eventually. But teaching them to endlessly harangue others with self-righteous diatribes about the evils of animal products is a mechanically separated chicken of a different blood-soaked feather.
Luckily, there's PetaKids.com, a website full of fun facts, like detailing the operation of leg hold traps, and how chickens can actually "mourn" their dead. Plus you can download some sweet (pun so intended) anti-honey IM Buddy icons!
"Buzzy the Bee says: Slavery is illegal, for all creatures!"
PetaKids.com will also put your children right up there on the Animal Rights frontlines (already on par with the likes of such advanced activists as "the College Sophomore who's simply exhausted every other option to get pussy") with downloadable "Activist missions," like the Chicken McNugget McCruelty Mission!
Or, KFC Cruelty, where... where this happens.
To complete said mission, all you have to do is embed a gory video of chickens being slaughtered on your MySpace page! Not only can you show the world what a sadistic fuck Ronald McDonald really is, but you can get free stickers, too!