It used to be that the only thing kids had to worry about were cooties, homework and closet-monsters, but those innocent days are over. There's a war, dammit. A culture war.
Soon the red states and the blue states are going to erupt into the kind of hot purple mess previously only experienced by Prince's bedmates and Grimus's toilet. Are your kids prepared for the onslaught? If not, here's a few ways to make sure junior ends up on the same side as Mom and Dad, no matter who you hate!
8Right Wing Kids' T-Shirts
It's time to show the country how upside down things have gotten: The Democrats control both the White House and Congress, a Latina woman (you know, those things that maids are?) just got appointed to the Supreme Court and the President wasn't even born in this country!
What better way to show your disapproval than with that last bastion of eloquent thought, infant and toddler right-wing T-shirts from Cafe Press! Not only are they a fantastic way to advertise your status as a Female Body Inspector, they're also a perfect medium for expressing your complex political opinions using only a sentence fragment.
Now, surely you'll change thousands of minds when people see your "NObama" T-shirt, but think of the impact it'll make when your four-year-old wears one! "God," those staunch liberal baby-eaters will think to themselves, "even toddlers hate Obama. This guy can't be good."
"Join Obama's Brownshirts? No thanks, comrade! I've got a shirt already. But I hope you're wearing a helmet 'cause I think it might blow your mind."
7Left Wing Kids' T-Shirts
Can you believe those Republican assholes who dress their kids in politically-themed T-shirts pushing their own conservative agenda? What a shameless exploitation of children! Plus, they're totally wrong! Well, clearly the only course of action is to fight fire with fire by putting your preschooler in a T-shirt with the real truth on it!
Skreened.com is your one-stop shop for expressing hatred of everything from Christians to Republicans (ha! Like they're different things!). Sure, there are your garden variety "I Heart Obama shirts," but why just support your side, when you can knock down theirs instead? Take, for example, this sweet little ensemble:
There's no more tasteful, respectful way to politely disagree with organized religion than to swaddle your child with an image of a beaver gnawing on a cross. But if that's a little on the tame side for you (and if it is, thanks for reading, Keith Olbermann!) have your fourth grader really stick it to the God fans while simultaneously making a cheap crack about the greatest American tragedy in recent memory:
It's guaranteed to incite tears of rage in any puritanical Bible-thumper, and tears of laughter from all your friends down at the vegan co-op!