Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

It used to be that the only thing kids had to worry about were cooties, homework and closet-monsters, but those innocent days are over. There's a war, dammit. A culture war.

Soon the red states and the blue states are going to erupt into the kind of hot purple mess previously only experienced by Prince's bedmates and Grimus's toilet. Are your kids prepared for the onslaught? If not, here's a few ways to make sure junior ends up on the same side as Mom and Dad, no matter who you hate!

8
Right Wing Kids' T-Shirts

It's time to show the country how upside down things have gotten: The Democrats control both the White House and Congress, a Latina woman (you know, those things that maids are?) just got appointed to the Supreme Court and the President wasn't even born in this country!

What better way to show your disapproval than with that last bastion of eloquent thought, infant and toddler right-wing T-shirts from Cafe Press! Not only are they a fantastic way to advertise your status as a Female Body Inspector, they're also a perfect medium for expressing your complex political opinions using only a sentence fragment.

Now, surely you'll change thousands of minds when people see your "NObama" T-shirt, but think of the impact it'll make when your four-year-old wears one! "God," those staunch liberal baby-eaters will think to themselves, "even toddlers hate Obama. This guy can't be good."

"Join Obama's Brownshirts? No thanks, comrade! I've got a shirt already. But I hope you're wearing a helmet 'cause I think it might blow your mind."

7
Left Wing Kids' T-Shirts

Can you believe those Republican assholes who dress their kids in politically-themed T-shirts pushing their own conservative agenda? What a shameless exploitation of children! Plus, they're totally wrong! Well, clearly the only course of action is to fight fire with fire by putting your preschooler in a T-shirt with the real truth on it!

Skreened.com is your one-stop shop for expressing hatred of everything from Christians to Republicans (ha! Like they're different things!). Sure, there are your garden variety "I Heart Obama shirts," but why just support your side, when you can knock down theirs instead? Take, for example, this sweet little ensemble:

There's no more tasteful, respectful way to politely disagree with organized religion than to swaddle your child with an image of a beaver gnawing on a cross. But if that's a little on the tame side for you (and if it is, thanks for reading, Keith Olbermann!) have your fourth grader really stick it to the God fans while simultaneously making a cheap crack about the greatest American tragedy in recent memory:

It's guaranteed to incite tears of rage in any puritanical Bible-thumper, and tears of laughter from all your friends down at the vegan co-op!

Continue Reading Below

6
ConservativeKids.net

So, where is a conservative child to go online in their search for chasteness, purity and fiscal responsibility? ConservativeKids.net!

The right-wing website with all the "right" moves! Where you can learn about things like:

Immigration: "Democrats want to legalize these criminals because they want a new under-class of welfare recipients to vote for them."

Abortion: "...simply the killing of an unborn baby that is alive in its mother."

Liberals: "Liberals don't think people are capable of choosing their own lifestyle, so they pass laws that tell people what they can and can't eat and drink, where they can live, what they can listen to on the radio or watch on TV, what kinds of cars they will drive and how parents should raise their kids ."


"Oh wow the- Oh, sorry, Billy, the LIBERALS deem this unsuitable."

Your little one will have hours of fun learning about how the Left will kill poor people, erase civil rights and doom us all to a lifetime of eating socialist cabbage soup while wearing drab, shapeless uni-tards and standing in week-long lines for mismatched shoes.

After a single afternoon on ConservativeKids.net, your children will be armed with the talking points to argue with confidence about the need for closed borders, the abolishment of gay marriage and the evils of public healthcare!


Public health care.

Admittedly, they'll get their teeth punched in for it, because the other children would rather play foursquare than listen to conservative tirades, but that builds character! And really, how else will they prepare for a life-time of ostracization by the oppressive liberal media?

5
PETA For Kids

It's easy enough to raise your own kids to be vegetarians: You buy the food, after all. If the only two options are Tofurkey or starve, well, kids'll probably choose the former eventually. But teaching them to endlessly harangue others with self-righteous diatribes about the evils of animal products is a mechanically separated chicken of a different blood-soaked feather.

Luckily, there's PetaKids.com, a website full of fun facts, like detailing the operation of leg hold traps, and how chickens can actually "mourn" their dead. Plus you can download some sweet (pun so intended) anti-honey IM Buddy icons!


"Buzzy the Bee says: Slavery is illegal, for all creatures!"

PetaKids.com will also put your children right up there on the Animal Rights frontlines (already on par with the likes of such advanced activists as "the College Sophomore who's simply exhausted every other option to get pussy") with downloadable "Activist missions," like the Chicken McNugget McCruelty Mission!


Or, KFC Cruelty, where... where this happens.

To complete said mission, all you have to do is embed a gory video of chickens being slaughtered on your MySpace page! Not only can you show the world what a sadistic fuck Ronald McDonald really is, but you can get free stickers, too!

Continue Reading Below

4
Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under My Bed!

You can teach your children all about conservatism, indoctrinate them with religious beliefs while they're far too young to fully grasp them and dress them in all the propaganda you want, but what if that's not enough? What if they get bitten by a rabid liberal and start voting Democrat? You don't want to have to stone your only child for supporting the existence of a corrupt welfare state, so what is a responsible parent to do?

Well, you could literally substitute the monster under their beds with an entire political movement that just happens to disagree with you, one. Assuming that the state hasn't taken away your kids yet, you can read them Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed, and teach them what to believe the old fashioned way: with intense, unrelenting fear.

This chilling tale of two young entrepreneurs lost in the hellish, hyper-regulatory haze of Liberaland will have even the toughest young Republican hiding under the covers (knowing full well that liberals can't cross the blanket seal).


"Not today, gay marriage!"

According to its website, Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed "follows the adventures of Tommy and Lou, two ordinary boys who dream of starting a lemonade stand in order to earn enough to buy a swing set. But when liberals like Congresswoman Clunkton, Mayor Leach and Mr. Fussman start demanding that Tommy and Lou pay half their money in taxes, take down their picture of Jesus and serve broccoli with every glass of lemonade, the young brothers experience the downside to living in Liberaland."


Please note our WHAT THE FUCK arrows.

Finally, a book that isn't afraid to teach kids exactly what they need to fear the most: taxation, religious tolerance and vegetables.

If it's any consolation, liberals, at least this means that future generations of right-wing psychopaths will be hobbled by malnutrition and therefore entirely ineffective; after all, it's hard to stand up for your beliefs when you've got rickets.

3
Why Mommy is a Democrat

Many Republicans think the absolute worst thing about the Democrats is their paternalistic, nanny-state policies that serve to take away every last scrap of freedom from decent, hard working Americans in order to give free lapdances to illegal aliens. Well, what conservatives view as a dangerous encroachment on civil liberties and personal freedom, Why Mommy Is A Democrat considers proof that Democrats are the Chosen Ones (so to speak).

In a series of warm, colorful drawings depicting a mother squirrel nurturing her cute little babies, Why Mommy Is A Democrat outlines all the ways that the Democrats are kind, caring and lovingly maternalistic. According to the book, Democrats are the only reason we share our toys, play by the rules and stay safe.

More importantly, each page shows how the other, nameless party fervently despises and wants to destroy everything that mommy holds dear. Depicted as a heartless businessman, a ditzy, self-obsessed society wife and even a massive elephant careening towards a homeless man (presumably a metaphor for that controversial Republican-sponsored "stomp the life out of hobos" bill), your children will suffer no unfortunate illusions that the other side is composed of actual people, and not just greedy, bloodthirsty monsters who are actively out to destroy all mothers.

Do you hear that, Republicans? Your mother-hating platform has finally been exposed!

Continue Reading Below

2
Atheism Camp

There are plenty of Christian youth camps around and, on some level, we always assumed there were atheist equivalents (even atheists want their kids out of their hair for a week every summer). But are there any camps that teach their children to be dismissive dicks about their beliefs, the way the more hardcore evangelical ones do?

Yes! Welcome to Camp Quest, the first specifically nonreligious camp in America!

Camp Quest is all about free thought. They want you to know they're not like those evil, condemning "religions" who don't accept people just because they have different beliefs. No, Camp Quest accepts all campers regardless of faith! Why, even the most hardcore of Christians are welcome to participate in fun group activities like the "Invisible Unicorn Hunt," described here by their executive director:

"There are two that live at Camp Quest. You can't see them, touch them, hear them, smell them, and they don't leave any visible signs or tracks. If a camper can prove that the unicorns do not exist he or she will win a godless $100 bill (a $100 from prior to 1954 when "In God We Trust" was added to U.S. paper currency)."


Every year, between eight and 15 children drown in this lake looking for the unicorn.

Really, Camp Quest? Did you think thinly-veiled metaphors were like a secret handshake only taught at Elitist Prick Atheism College? So sure, all religions are welcome at Camp Quest--just so long as you don't mind substituting all of your playground games for snide, passive aggressive jabs.

1
Camp American

Well, we conservatives certainly can't let them get way with that! Fortunately they've got Camp American, "Where God's truth and Patriotism go hand in hand."

This summer camp in Indiana promises a fun-filled week learning about "the deception of evolution," the importance of purity and morals in a free society and the secret "pagan connection to the radical environmental movement."

Campers can study such topics as how to return Christ to the American government, how the environmental movement is actually a secret plan to eliminate private property and how to keep the constitution exactly as it was written over 200 years ago.

...plus they've got inner-tubing!


"WEEEEE! LIBERALS ARE DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY! WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Like most summer camps, Camp American recommends children bring things like clean socks, snacks and a sleeping bag, but it does have a few special requirements: Along with the toothpaste and swimsuits, campers are expected to bring a copy of the Constitution so they can learn how to properly interpret it, no outside media is permitted (hey, they don't let fatties bring Twinkies into Husky Adventures, so your fifth grade Beatnik will have to leave his copy Infinite Jest at home).

And, lest the endless lectures on moral government and personal purity get a little too steamy, Camp American strictly forbids Speedos for boys and bikinis for girls to prevent any further impure thoughts down at the swimming hole.


Yeah, now you're ready to swim. Have fun, young lady.

Not like that atheism camp, where it's probably crotchless thongs as far as the eye can see!

Now pick a side, people, before it's too late!

Follow Geoff on Twitter. It makes him feel wanted.

Have an idea for an article? Think you're funny? Just go here and sign up. No experience necessary.

For more disturbing things we're sticking our children in, check out 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants. Or read about how to protect your family from the Swine Flu carrying terrorists in 7 Safety Products (for the Incredibly Paranoid).

And stop by Twitter to get previews of upcoming articles and trick your friends into thinking you're psychic.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

1792 Comments

Load Comments