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Home > Science > Classic: 5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid

Classic: 5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid

By Tim Cameron Aug 29, 2009 361,757 views
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We don't want to make light of mental disorders or its sufferers, but you have to admit sometimes a person can be just mentally ill enough to be cool. After all, chicks totally dig troubled guys.

Now, when we say "troubled," we're not talking about that one naked dude on the subway who constantly masturbates and can only talk in machine code. No, we mean the complex and difficult soul, present in 70 percent of Oscar-winning movies, who spends two hours battling against his inner demons while being submerged up to neck level in pussy. You can be that guy, if only you're lucky enough to contract an inconvenient and traumatic brain condition.

Here are 5 such disorders that might just be cool enough to get you laid.

Foreign Accent Syndrome

This very rare condition arises as a result of a stroke or head trauma in which the brain's speech center is damaged, causing the sufferer to regain consciousness with a totally different accent. In addition, some people pick up a "bizarre intonation." We're not sure what this means, but we're guessing it's how you would sound if you tried to have a conversation while being enthusiastically fellated.

Will it get me laid?
Foreign accents immediately make you more interesting and exotic to the opposite sex, even if you're a fat, balding IT tech with a cubicle papered in Battlestar Galactica posters. The trouble is, you don't know which accent you're going to get. Some (Irish, for example) are business-class tickets to vaginatown, whereas others make you want to claw your own ears off and then eat them.

You could get lucky, like the lady who woke up speaking a strong Jamaican patois. Or, in a chilling worst-case scenario, you might end up like the woman who regained consciousness thinking she was French.

Jesus.

How do I get it?
From the cases we found online, the primary cause seems to be falling off motorbikes. As you'll see throughout this list, if our research is reliable--and we have no reason to suspect that a cursory scan of Wikipedia could be anything else-- then approximately 90 percent of interesting mental disorders happen this way. So, if you're in the mood for a change, and you're the kind of guy who likes fun surprises, just ride your bike into a truck and see what you wake up with.

Is it worth it?
Although some sufferers acquire specific dialects, most just end up with a "general foreign accent," which could make you sound like a brain-damaged Mrs. Doubtfire-type. Not sexy. However, the condition is usually short-lived, so go for it! What have you got to lose?

Ok, don't go for it.

Alien Hand Syndrome

It's otherwise known as Dr. Strangelove Syndrome, which should give you an idea of its symptoms. One hand appears to act independently of the rest of the sufferer's body, performing complex actions that are often in direct opposition to the person's intention. Your right hand, for example, might shake that of your girlfriend's father, while your left hand reaches around and gives him a cheeky pinch on his buttocks.

Due to its willfulness, sufferers tend to associate the hand with a specific personality, which is usually that of a total fucking dickhead.

Will it get me laid?
For a shy person, a rogue hand is an invaluable gift. Say a girl has been throwing you some subtle "bone me" signals that you've been too damn introverted to notice or believe. But your hand has noticed, and you watch in awe as its response leaves absolutely no room for doubt in the girl's mind that you are interested in commencing intercourse. To clinch the deal, you can now give her a line such as "Hey baby, do you know what my hand will be doing in 20 minutes? (cock eyebrow suggestively) Me neither!"

If that doesn't work (and let's face it, possessed limbs are often not the best judges of subtle moods), you've still got someone else's hand on the end of your arm. If you can persuade it that you love and respect it very much, and that your erogenous zone is not going to stimulate itself, you don't really need to get laid at all.

How do I get it?
Alien Hand Syndrome is caused by a particularly hardcore treatment for epilepsy in which a "doctor" surgically separates the two hemispheres of your brain. Due to its suicidal insanity, this operation can only be performed by a cackling madman in a lightning-lit castle at midnight. The lightning is important; on clear nights, a nurse is employed to switch the main light on and off really quickly.

Is it worth it?
It's your call. While the condition is rarely fatal, it can be very inconvenient. Are you a teacher? Better be careful. It only takes a few instances of "I swear it wasn't me! It was The Alien Hand" before the parents' association pays to have you arrested with unnecessary force. On the upside, you'll most likely get laid in prison.

Stendhal's Syndrome

Stendhal's Syndrome is a psychosomatic disorder that strikes when a person is exposed to too many beautiful or powerful objects in too short a space of time. Symptoms range from dizziness to full-blown psychosis. It can be triggered by famous works of art, areas of natural beauty and even entire cities; hence Jerusalem Syndrome ("Holy shit, I'm standing exactly where The Messiah once stood!") and Paris Syndrome ("Holy shit, I just paid $14 for a cup of coffee!").

Will it get me laid?
Without a doubt. The problem with most of these disorders is that you actually need to have them in order to reap their benefits. With Stendhal's Syndrome, you merely need the object of your arousal to think you have it. Just mention to your quarry that you suffer fits of dementia when exposed to overwhelming beauty, then look at his/her face and immediately crash convulsing to the floor, gibbering and foaming at the mouth. Maybe give the ground a couple of headbutts and chew off a portion of your tongue. Who isn't going to fall for that?

How can I get it?
If you want to experience the syndrome, Florence is the place to go. The author who it was named for, Stendhal, shat his mental gasket there in 1817 after spending too long staring at the Santa Croce frescoes. According to his memoirs, "Absorbed in the contemplation of sublime beauty ... I reached the point where one encounters celestial sensations ... I had palpitations of the heart...Life was drained from me," which makes you feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to mop the floor afterwards.

Is it worth it?
Oh, totally, guy. Aside from being retardedly romantic, Stendhal's Syndrome is also the only affliction on this list that can get you laid without you actually having it. If you're the honest sort who insist on really getting the disorder, the worst you'll have to suffer through is a trip to some grand city that will overwhelm your senses, which could also be accomplished by finding one of those 108-inch high-def TV's and popping in a BluRay disc full of boobs. Neither one sounds that bad.

Walking Corpse Syndrome

Walking Corpse Syndrome, otherwise known as Cotard's Syndrome, is a rare disorder in which the sufferers are convinced that they have died or otherwise ceased to exist. It was first described by neurologist Jules Cotard in 1880, but was only given scientific legitimacy in April 2007 when it featured in an episode of Dinosaur Comics.

Will it get me laid?
Not a lot, but there's a definite niche market opportunity here. You're a corpse, but you're still warm, which would make you extremely attractive to rheumatic necrophiles. If you made an ad on NDATE saying "I'm sprawled on my warm, comfortable sofa feeling dead and horny", you'd have sex-starved goths battering down your door.

How do I get it?
Cotard's Syndrome usually arises as a result of some other mental illness, but it can also be caused by brain injury. One victim developed the syndrome after (you guessed it) a motorcycle crash. His mother took him to South Africa to recover, where he was convinced that he had instead been taken to Hell. He arrived at this conclusion after noticing that everything had suddenly got hot, suggesting that Cotard may also be an abbreviation of COmplete reTARD.

Is it worth it?
The syndrome is associated with chronic depression, and the only conclusive cure is a heavy dose of electroconvulsive therapy - presumably to convince you that it's probably not heaven if "Jesus" keeps repeatedly tazering your head.

Synethesia

For synesthetes, the stimulation of one sense causes the automatic stimulation of another, resulting in the ability to taste shapes, see music, and countless other variations. One synesthete may perceive each letter of the alphabet as a different color; another may have entirely separate smells for each year in the calendar. So to that person, 1996 has a pleasant apple-like fragrance, whereas 1983 might smell like dicks.

Will it get me laid?
This is the motherlode, baby. Synesthesia has long been associated with high levels of creativity, and everybody knows that chicks get some heavyset boners for creative guys. Justin Chancellor from Tool has the condition, and he requires a snow plow to clear his driveway of boobies every morning. Richard James from Aphex Twin perceives music as colour, and girls perceive him as a walking penis. Pharrell Williams is the geekiest synesthete on the planet, yet as soon as he opens his front door, the sky above him is instantly filled with flocks of detached female underwear engaged in an urgent crotch-to-face migration.

How can I get it?
It's mainly hereditary, but you can trigger it if you overdose on psychedelic drugs. It can also be brought on as a consequence of deafness, or after a stroke. Basically, just go to a Tool concert. It is not necessary to be riding a motorbike while you do this, although that would be pretty fucking cool.

Is it worth it?
Synesthesia is more common than you think--up to 1 in 23 people have it--and it's largely harmless, although there can be a risk of sensory overload. In one form of synesthesia, every written word evokes a different taste, which can be distressing if you can't read your own mother's name without getting a mouthful of dog vomit and sprouts.

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78 Comments

hm, one time i tripped and took a shower and when the drops hit the ground they turned into colors for a second. it was cool, but living with it would suck. however, id would get u a lot of p***y just because guys would actually pay attention to what women were saying, since it would look cool

11/05/2009 07:46:00 AM
choppin_meat420

I met someone with synethesia; he saw colors in taste.

09/22/2009 04:52:51 PM
Ringoringa

People always talk about how women love creative men, but apparently men love creative women just as much. I guess people just like creative people.

09/21/2009 11:32:13 PM
violetxrain

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09/08/2009 08:42:02 AM
ned123

I have all these syndromes, and let me tell you, getting from where I park my LARGE AMERICAN MOTORCYCLE, to the door of my smalll j*panese apato, takes most of the evening, since I'm boning everything in sight. When I finally collapse on my tatami mat, I'm dogpiled yet again by overheated spasmodically keegling vagina. This continues till the next morning where if I'm lucky, and have my S&W 459 with me I can make it to my LARGE AMERICAN MOTORCYCLE, which gives me some time to rest up before I arrive at the first stop sign, where I'm again covered in cooze. I've never made it beyond the first stop sign, but I seem to make out pretty well....I must be boning my landlady and the grocer, and the girl from Starbux. See my priapatic bonard in DICKHEAD Magazine.

09/04/2009 04:06:13 AM
Otis_Driftwood

Alien Hand Syndrome would totally get whoever came up to me with it laid. Reminds me of Angel. "I have an evil hand. I've been writing 'Kill! Kill!' all over everything."

09/03/2009 05:54:17 PM
Eaver

You'll find the best selection of hot babes, sexy tall singles at the exclusive dating community ------------- Tallfinder.com -------------. Come in and stay a while. Post a message, a pic of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You are guaranteed to find someone you like there.

09/01/2009 11:08:45 PM
cherry668

I had a friend with Synethsasia, and quite frankly got REAL tired of him talking about colors, tasting, feelings and art and s**t! I was like "shut the f**k up dude! Seriously!", and He was like "I tasted a chocolate spunkmeir muffin when you said that"

08/31/2009 08:54:46 PM
FRANKENSLUT

One mental disorder that will get women laid: nymphomania! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_M9SizIzpQg

08/30/2009 07:42:55 PM
elo

Hah! At a quick glance, I thought that dude under Cotard's syndrome was Kieth Richards. Woops.

08/30/2009 04:07:16 PM
Jesus,Jess

RDean totally had my respect up until the LSD remark. At that point, he earned himself a one-way ticket to Douchebag Town.

08/30/2009 12:21:50 PM
Luigifan

@zom-b sorry, I had to go back a couple pages and mistakenly told it to resend the information, jeez. pedant.

08/30/2009 12:16:16 AM
cello

i dont know about women with boners but i know one of my severly whipped friends has a girlfriend with f**king bolders lol, hes probably got tic tacs

08/29/2009 09:37:50 PM
godsmack4life

@SenorHonkHonk: IPWND? Sounds like a particularly malignant app. * * * Wheelz, and his "iGarfunkledYourMother" app.

08/29/2009 08:57:43 PM
Wheelz

Women can get boners? None of the ones I dated had penises, though I may have had that rare mental condition known as IPWND (Invisible Penis on a Woman Neural Disorder).

08/29/2009 07:53:39 PM
SenorHonkHonk

Man_Of_Paper said it best. Plus, A reposted article isn't nearly as bad as a bunch of people whining about the fact that OMFG IT'S A REPOST WAHHHHHHHH I suppose you watch tv and complain about reruns? Seriously, get over it. Anyfreakinway, this was my first time reading this and I thought it was hilarious. I love you guys!

08/29/2009 06:59:59 PM
Halfer

If this is a classic I've been reading Cracked for too long >_

08/29/2009 06:46:59 PM
Natnie

This is a great article, no matter how old it gets. And if you wanna b***h about how Cracked is "recycling" articles, then write one yourself, you lazy bastards.

08/29/2009 06:18:21 PM
Man_of_Paper

First off, let me say: 'Classic' or not, this article is hilarious. Period. So shut up. Second, I knew for sure that this was gonna make the 'I have synesthesia' proclaimers come out of the woodwork. No offense to those who actually do have it, but in my experience most people claim to have synesthesia in the same way that boring girls tend to claim to be bisexual. So people will think they're cool. And usually they manage to convince themselves that it's true, to protect their self-image. Mentally associating music or other sensations with disparate sensory perceptions is NOT the same as suffering from synesthesia. Most people experience emotions and sensations when presented with stimuli that amount to more than just the sum of the stimuli, and translate that into creative interpretations in their mind. It does not mean you suffer from a medically recognized disorder. Once again, I mean no offense to those who actually are synesthetic. But I am not afraid to assert that many of you who claim that you are, in fact are not. That being said, I will openly admit that I am NOT. However, I am a strong advocate of taking LSD to (at least temporarily) experience these or similar sensations. Seriously guys, it's great. And I agree that to truly rock your face (and your sweet mind-brain), you should take in the neighborhood of 10+ hits. But for f**k's sake, be f**kin careful in doing so!!! As in, make sure nobody around you will let you kill yourself, or go to the damn hospital or god forbid the police (although going to the hospital will most likely end up in going to jail anyway).

08/29/2009 05:52:57 PM
RDean

I have synethesia, and it has totally not gotten me laid.

08/29/2009 05:48:16 PM
Chordus

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