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Fantasy sports are role-playing games for people who believed they were too cool to get into Magic: The Gathering in high school. For those of us who participate, the draft is both an unofficial holiday and serious business. These three hours determine which carefully constructed roster of talented athletes will be making up for our own woeful athletic shortcomings over the course of the next three months. In theory, it's a pretty tough thing to screw up. But that doesn't stop these guys from trying: #11.
The Fantasy Veteran
The Fantasy Veteran is constantly explaining to anyone who will listen that football is the most popular fantasy sport because it requires the least amount of skill. He'll reference championships he's won in baseball, basketball and hockey, and will claim that whatever the most obscure sport he's ever played in his "fantasy career" (he'll pretend he's joking when he calls it this) is by far the most fun. He makes everyone else in the league feel a little less alright about themselves by referring to everyone as fantasy GMs, or fantasy owners, and if he's not the commissioner of your league, he's got lots of helpful advice for the poor bastard who is.
The first time anyone makes a pick he disagrees with (this will include approximately all of them) he'll be the first to joke that they might be spending too much time with their girlfriend. He's less likely to mention the connection between his extensive fantasy prowess, and the fact that women describe his general demeanor as rape-y. #10.
You Stole My Pick Guy
Whereas the Fantasy Vet "can't believe you took Maurice Jones Drew because it's a non-PPR league," this guy can't believe you took Jones Drew ... because he was his very next pick! This guy finds it absolutely mind blowing that two friends using the same finite pool of news and statistics, would end up liking the same elite player. If it's a live draft, he'll be glad to show you his copy of the Top 200 Fantasy Players he printed off of ESPN.com, where he's marked 176 of the names with what looks like a cross between Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics and a finger painting by a retarded child. Of course, it's tough to feel too much remorse since he grunts and hisses about at least one pick that was stolen from him in each round. #9.
The Clueless Guy
He has a vague notion of what the National Football League is, and he's pretty sure it has something to do with sports. He'll make his presence known in the third round when he starts asking after the availability of whichever long-retired player was most recently on Dancing With The Stars. When you invited clueless guy into your league a few years back, you were hanging precariously at nine participants with the draft 14 hours away and you needed to get to 10. #8.
The Superfan
The superfan shows up for the draft wearing his favorite team's jersey, and might give off the impression that he was drafted by them in the off-season since he uses the first person plural when referring to how good "our offense looks." He will be utterly shocked and irrationally outraged when you take his team's best player one pick ahead of him in the early rounds. But the late rounds are where the super fan really does his damage. He's spent the summer reading up on how his team's fourth string wide receiver might be due for a break out season, and seems wholly unaware that every beat sports writer in every NFL city in the country is writing that same article about their team's fourth string wide receiver. The most surprising thing about the Superfan is how shocked he'll be when his team sucks. Sure, it would be mathematically impossible for him to win the league without his home team becoming the first in the history of the NFL to average 15 touch downs a game, but man, he had a really good feeling about "our offense" this season. #7.
Let's Hurry It Along Guy
Let's Hurry It Along Guy starts heckling everyone who takes over 30 seconds to make a pick soon after the second round winds down. His tactic ends up making the draft an hour longer with all the time people spend asking him to kindly shut the fuck up, but he doesn't care. It's all about letting people know that he's got somewhere very important to be on a weekday night at 11PM. #6.
Guy Who Only Plays for Money
You may recognize him from his work as "The Guy Who Went Perfect in His Dad's NCAA Office Pool" last March. This player will compete in your draft because he's friends with the other people in the league, but he'll go out of his way to talk about how he's not really taking your league seriously because there isn't any money on the line. If there is money on the line, he's in some other league with a $7,000 buy-in, and he'll remind you several times throughout the draft that in his other leagues, he's got a much better team and has a shot at winning "some big dough." #5.
Awful Pick Guy
He won't say much during the draft, but every couple of rounds he will make a point to tell another player what an awful pick he just made. "Awful pick, bro," or "He sucks, that's a terrible call," are the most common variations of his go-to line. If anyone ever calls him on being an insufferable asshole, he'll usually claim that he's just "trying to rattle a few cages." But no matter how much he claims to be the Sun Tzu of Fantasy Football, Awful Pick Guy is usually just an asshole. #4.
Guy Who Drafts Ricky Williams
The Guy Who Drafts Ricky Williams will snag him in the eighth or ninth round and then boast about what a steal the pick is, and how this is the year Ricky stays healthy and puts it all together. When Ricky inevitably pulls his hamstring in the second game and then fails a drug test in mid-October, this guy will complain about how his team would be so much better if not for injuries and suspensions. You'll recognize the Guy Who Drafts Ricky Williams from your fantasy baseball and basketball drafts, where he was The Guy Who Drafted Ken Griffey, Jr. and the Guy Who Drafted Grant Hill, respectively. #3.
The Funny Guy
The Funny Guy can be expected to draft Jeremy Shockey fairly early and name his team "The Shockers," or draft Michael Vick and call his team The Electric Pit Bulls. This year he'll definitely be drafting the Bears' Adrian Peterson and then later offering him up in trades for first rounders. He'll also be drafting players with funny names, like Steve Breaston, Chad Ochocinco and Visanthe Schiancoe. When asked why he drafted Breaston so early, he'll likely tell you, "He was the breast available option." #2.
The Auto Drafter
There are excusable reasons to miss your fantasy draft. Guys have kids, get married, their wives find out about their kids and leave them. But there's always that one guy who can't be bothered to be at a computer for three hours out of the year, every year. Yahoo! or ESPN will make all of his selections for him, and he'll spend the rest of the season bitching about how he was "totally going to take (insert whatever player kicked his ass the previous Sunday)." His list of "guys I was totally going to take" contains at least 15 players who were gone by the fifth round. #1.
The Stats Guy
Stats Guy likes to tell you that "the late rounds are where you can really get a lot of value if you know what to look for." He was thinking about taking the same quarterback as you "until I realized that he has a sub-.500 completion percentage against the Cover 3." Usually, his apparent belief that Chris Mortensen and Ron Jaworski don't have shit on him stems from the fact that he's read the 2009-2010 pro football prospectus from cover to cover. The amount of fun you'll have in your draft will be inversely proportional to how many guys have shelled out the $12 for this statistical tome. If there are multiple Stat Guys, they will spend the first 15 minutes of the draft locked in an ideological battle over the Law of 370 as it pertains to Adrian Peterson and Michael Turner before moving on to countless other statistical debates that it would be literally impossible for anyone else in the league to give less of a shit about. The good news is, the only statistical probability that seems to come true year after year is that the Stats Guy never ever wins. With additional reporting from Sean Mcgrane. Check out more people that will no doubt make your life that much harder, in 8 Customers Everyone Hates and 7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert. And visit our Twitter to get previews of upcoming articles and trick your friends into thinking you're psychic. |
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Funny article almost all of thoose guys are definitly in my fantasy league... i read this at the begining of the season.... being a Bears fan the one about Johnny Knox made me laugh... ironically i picked up Knox last week because in most leagues at this time he is as vaulable as Randy Moss (27 points) and more vaulable then other well known guys like Terrell Owens (16 points)and T.J. Who'sYourMamma (11 points)
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And along with the "rule crier" comes the "Rule Changer" A good friend was commissioner of my friend's league last year, and I saw everyone angrier than I ever have at his rule changes every 2 seconds, during the middle of the draft. Including one where he decided his 3 month old son could play...and got first pick. THAT went over well. It was pretty fun to watch from the side, when all of the sudden everyone's screennames are gone, and just his "Guys? Guys? What happened? Dammit, somethings wrong with the computer...." They literally just "walked" out on his draft and started another one. To this day he doesn't get why.
I would like to add the "rule crier". The person who complains about the rules during the draft. If you don't like the rules, find another program or start your own. Also, I qualify as 'Stat Man" but have taken first palce in my league 4 times in 7 years. I also took 2nd once 4th and 7th out of 10. With so many variables the best chance to win is analyze everything you have. Although it's time consuming and nerve racking it helps.
You forgot 'The Name Dropper' who will only ever pick players he's heard of or that 'sound familiar'. This guy somehow always ends up getting first pick.
WTF is all this s**t about? Where's the funny...Hello?...Funny?...Are you there?
As a European, I'm definitely a #9. Go, Texas Cowboys! Score many home runs! Although in all honesty, joking aside, I really did think that Jeremy Shockey played ice hockey.
DeathByGrogg : To be fair, this site is for Americans.
I miss when this site used to have funny articles.
" I'm from Canada and I got it. Football doesn't even exist here" The CFL folded?????
What the f**k is fantasy football, and I hope anyone who plays it hasn't had the balls to accuse anime and comic book nerds of being geeky. At least geeks are known for intelligence.
This one wasn't very good. Anyone who's played fantasy football knows who these guys are. Pointing them out and putting them in list form doesn't make it funny. And when did Adrian Peterson start playing for the Bears?
I'm in my first Fantasy Football league this year; I was worried I'd be the clueless guy, but during the draft I realized I've gained a much better familiarity with the game in the last couple of years than I had realized; I was almost #4 (McDominater Varient) but he turned Traitor so I didn't want him on my team; In the later rounds I became a bit of a funny guy- I drafted Ladanian Tomlinson (sp?) because I recognized his name from a Campells Soup commercial, but according to my Commish, I ended up with a pretty decent team this year.
I'm from England and still found this funny, you can pretty much apply it to fantasy football (soccer) over here and it's essentially the same. People b***hing about it are just here to wind people up.
Nice article. Fantasy Football never seemed big to me; it always looked like gambling for losers who can't go to Vegas, and I was always more of a baseball person. Every sport has fans that are Stat Guys, and Stat Guys can suck my Italian c**k. This isn't a computer game; statistics can't be your only viewpoint in terms of sports. I don't care how many touchdowns Brett Favre had as a Jet compared to when he was a Packer; I still think that the f**ker needs to stop flip-flopping and retire. And I'm not saying Favre ain't good, I'm just saying that he looks as old as Roger Clemens and needs to leave the field.
I fell into the "auto pick" category this year. Had to work, but I'm not going to b***h about the selections. It's just a game. And f**k you buttelf. There's nothing wrong with "fantasy anything" as long as you don't revolve your life around it.
Alternate title: Top Eleven Obnoxious For Real Football Fans. Most of these people do the exact same thing for real football, and are just as annoying.
#12-anyone who plays fantasy anything. you f**king losers.
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