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We wanted to take a moment to address some of the ugly rumors that have been flying around about Cracked over the last few months, including the so-called Department of Justice investigation into Cracked's operation, and our recent book deal. Let's take the second one first. Yes, Cracked has signed a deal with the Penguin Group to publish a book next year with never-before-seen articles alongside the most awesome articles ever published on the site.
We would talk about what an accomplishment this is for us, but of course that would be ignoring the fact that you guys write the site for us. So, really it's your accomplishment. Good job. Since we are still putting the book together, this also means if you sign up to write for us you may very well be able to call yourself a published writer by this time next year, since if your article is good enough, we'll throw it in the book. This is important, because it's well known that telling a woman you're a published writer will make her pants shoot off so hard they'll instantly be nothing more than a speck sailing over the horizon.
Now for the less pleasant rumor, that the Department of Justice has launched Microsoft-style anti-trust charges against Cracked based on our "utter dominance of all forms of media" and "unconscionable levels of awesomeness". This is simply not true. These rumors come from the same unreliable source as the rumors that emerged last Spring that the FBI was requiring Dan O'Brien to register his sexiness as a lethal weapon. That is, they come from Dan himself.
Yes, it is true that the site (the one that people like you write for us) is now doing over 75 million pageviews a month, a number that until this summer we didn't actually know was a real number. Yes, it's true that our very own Robert Brockway has his own book up for pre-order right now called Everything Is Going To Kill Everybody. It is equally true that Editor David Wong's horror novel John Dies at the End is coming in hardback in just a few weeks and that a movie that borrows liberally from Dan O'Brien's life* grossed over $90 million at the box office. *denotes facts currently pending legal action But have we gotten too big? Just because the Swaim and Gladstone action figures didn't sell as well as Editor in Chief Jack O'Brien had projected? We don't think so. If there's one thing the internet economy has taught us, it's that once you're successful, you pretty much stay successful forever. The citizens of Washington state can protest the orphanage we demolished to build a new server farm until they're blue in the face. Those scrappy parentless bastards can proceed with their plans to put on a fundraising concert to buy back the land, but they'll never raise the money in time. We're on top, we'll always be on top, and we'll never, ever get our comeuppance.
So if you've ever had a great idea for an article, or you're just a funny person, now might be the time to join us in the online workshop. If you're good, you might end up in our book. If you're as good as Brockway, writing for Cracked might help you get a book deal of your own. And if you're as talented and handsome as Swaim and Gladstone you might even get turned into the least successful action figures since Rocky's Meat. At the very least, you'll have a shot at getting paid to write dick jokes that hundreds of thousands of people read in the hour after we publish them. But you'll never know if you don't sign up. |
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OMG!!! i want a Swaim action figure, and i want the limited edition Blow-Up-Doll as well *wink wink*
Holy s**t! Why nobody told me there were Swaim and G-stone action figures? I would have stol..er..bought a pair!
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WHERE CAN I GET A SWAIM ACTION FIGURE?!?!?! DID THEY COME IN LIFE SIZED??
What do you mean the SWAIM action figures didnt sell well? I bought..(OK..stole..whatever.) five and use 4 of them as voo doo dolls and the fifth I...I just "USE" ok...whatever...
But... what if I'm not lesbian?
Check your avatar in the forum. It will say "purveyor of dick jokes" under it. They don't send an email or anything, you have to check yourself.
Seriously do they ever respond back to the sign up thing? I did mine like a year ago and got no reply. Did it again just now
Damn, I have to go start signing up bands for the fund raising concert now. All the good ones already performed at the Spread Knowledge, Not Wikiality concert last month. I see your evil plot now, wait until after the good bands have done their summer charity concert to announce your new server farm, that way I will have to used bad bands and the fund raiser won't make much money. This is a very low blow, f**k you Cracked.
You could put a spring-loaded platform inside, so opening it causes junk mail to shoot in your face. I call it "pop-up ads."
@denimojo: Write articles about it, obviously.
Wait...if other people are writing the book for you, what are you getting paid to do exactly?
also, im not gay, but that pic of DOB at conans desk makes me a little erect.
ok, i have held out. however since you guys are BEGGING us to write more, i will. if you have ever seen my comments, you know i am as loquacious and eloquent as a f**k frozen and preserved for future generations to watch in its glory. i will write your articles cracked, but only because i have been buying the magazine since 1985, and reading the website for, well, all of it.
@Civilization: Do you mean that it should come with a Smaim scratch 'n' sniff figure??? That would be totally. . . gross! I mean, I love Swaim as much as the next guy, but still. . . . eeewwwwww!
The books should come with a Swaim action figure or scratch that, I want to buy a Swaim action figure and if you want to trow the book in the box with it fine
I'm not funny and I'm rarely original..... oh oh oh I have the perfect idea I can just have Seanbabys job
Polly, I'd be fine with that as long as it vibrates.
I don't care I'm gonna join the army during a way then write stories/songs about it. Or die (didn't really put that into account).
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